


A Little At A Time

by TeamAlphaQ



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alcohol, And I always do my job, Angst, Careful Izaya that's a choking hazard~, Death, Did I mention angst, First Kiss, Fluff, God Izaya stop doing stupid shit, Hah never mind you all know anyway, I'm A Cocktease It's true, It would solve so many problems, Izaya's definitely not okay, M/M, Nah it's my job to make you feel pain, No Izaya you're not a bird, Not so playful fighting, One Shot Collection, Otoro, Play Fighting, Probably some sexual tension, Quasi love confession but Shizuo doesn't know it, Romance, Russian Sushi, SMUT!, SO MUCH FLUFF, Slash, Sleepy Izaya, Stop eye fucking each other and actually fuck each other, Stop pretending to be one, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Sunsets, bet you can't guess where Izaya is, blood everywhere, did you really think you were going to get away with just reading fluff, needless pain, poor Shizuo, snuggles, the moon is beautiful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2018-10-26 23:47:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 40,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10797297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamAlphaQ/pseuds/TeamAlphaQ
Summary: A collection of one-shots focusing on the in-betweens. Those moments neither would remember, because they’re so ordinary, but have to remember, because they’re everything. And some that are just too important to forget. Each one is special to someone, it’s just a matter of why.





	1. Cold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bad_Romance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bad_Romance/gifts).



> Just some stuff I've been gathering slowly over time. Some smut, some fluff, some other stuff. It's all got a loose plot if you squint and some have a very linear timeline but you should be able to read each one individually without much trouble. I'll update when I feel like it or whenever I have one done.  
> That being said, enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cold rain sucks. It sucks even more when you've just been shot.

Rain is terrible.

Izaya never had to be told this to know it’s true. He’s never liked it, not when he was younger and it drove all the humans inside, away from him and his games. Certainly not now, as it soaks through his coat and to his skin, which is numb and definitely waterlogged by now. If he ever gets out of this misty misery, he’ll probably need to be wrung out like a sponge.

It’s not even raining that hard, just a light, stinging drizzle, but any rain is bad rain if you’re out in it long enough. Especially when winter is still hanging around in the air, making the droplets more like little bits of freezing cold torture. The dark doesn’t make it any better, only making his walk more dangerous as well as colder. He can’t even see the raindrops, Izaya only feels them when they hit his exposed skin.

With his free hand, Izaya tugs his hood down further, trying to keep the rain out of his eyes. The abrupt movement sets him off balance and the raven is forced to release his waist for a moment as he tries to get his feet back under him. He fails, of course. The universe has never been kind.

The puddle he lands in is even colder and Izaya feels his teeth jitter together, though whether that’s from shock setting in or the cold around him, he doesn’t know. Increased shivering sends several rapid jolts of pain up his spine and Izaya’s hand goes back to its earlier task, staunching the blood that keeps trickling from the bullet wound in his side.

Because, you know, he’s been shot. It kind of hurts.

Just a bit.

Why, you might ask, is Izaya Orihara, infamous info broker of Tokyo and the general nightmare of its residents, outside in the middle of the night, miles away from his home and bleeding out on the streets of Ikebukuro? Well, he wouldn’t be able to answer you. Mostly because the blood loss is setting in.

Besides, he’s not particularly sure himself. Usually, in this situation, he would be headed towards Shinra’s where he would probably pass out on the floor, only to wake up to another one of the doctor’s lectures and a thankfully stitched up side. Why Izaya is instead headed towards Shizuo’s house is beyond him at this moment.

It’s irrational honestly.

With shaking limbs, Izaya drags himself to his feet and tries to regain his bearings. Thankfully, his body requires little instruction and instinctively starts him plodding once more towards the blond idiot’s house. His steps are even slower than before.

Unfortunately, the rain only comes down harder, as if mocking him.

This whole thing had started a month ago, with a bottle of cheap alcohol and a bruised throat. Shizuo had been too tired to _actually_ throw Izaya out of his apartment, the raven had been a bit too drunk already to be deterred when the blond pinned him to the wall by his neck. After the unpleasantries had been exchanged, they’d ended up at Shizuo’s kitchen table, drinking in silence.

The night after, when Izaya had come back with better alcohol and clearer eyes, Shizuo hadn’t even blinked. Just sitting there in silence is easy after all, even for two lifelong enemies. From then on it had become a pattern. Izaya brought something intoxicating that made being in each other’s presence less heinous. In return, Shizuo opened the door and didn’t snap when Izaya started talking and telling him things the blond really had no business knowing.

So in reality, the only thing weird about this particular night is the bullet hole and the only thing Izaya’s really worried about is the fact the bottle he’d brought broke when he was jumped. Without it, the raven’s not sure if Shizuo will open the door for him at all. Stupid thing to worry about probably, but his brain is rattling in his skull from all the shivering and he can’t think rationally.

He just wants to get there. Shizuo’s apartment is warm, the couch in his living room is old but comfortable. If Izaya can manage to not pass out before arriving on the beast’s doorstep, at least he won’t be slowly turning to ice anymore.

 _I’m crazy to think he’d let me in_.

It’s the blood loss making him think crazy. It has to be.

Shizuo will probably kick him out.

Izaya might as well just curl up here and fall asleep.

He’s not surprised when his knees buckle and the ground comes rushing to meet him. When his forehead smacks the sidewalk, which looks more like a river than pavement, Izaya closes his eyes and tries to draw himself back together. This whole thing is stupid, he shouldn’t have been drinking before coming here, the raven was just asking for trouble by doing that. Someone with as many enemies as him has to be careful after all.

The attackers had come out of nowhere. Without even breaking a sweat Izaya had disposed of the first three. He’d even managed to keep the bottle of whiskey intact. Then he’d heard the shot ring out and a moment later he was clutching his side as blood seeped through his fingers. He could still see the glittering glass of the broken bottle as it skittered over the street.

Izaya’s fourth attacker had gotten away. A lowlife, Izaya didn’t doubt, but sadly a lowlife with a gun is still dangerous.

He’d have been fine if it hadn’t started raining.

The cold made everything harder and it didn’t help stave off shock in the slightest. It had only taken minutes to soak Izaya to the bone and another two to leave him completely numb. At least it made the pain manageable.

_It’s the little things._

Too bad he’s dying. Izaya’s sure that if it weren’t so cold and if he weren’t going into shock, he’d be thinking a whole lot more. Maybe he’d be reflecting on his life and how he’d gotten to this street, to this place, several blocks from Shizuo’s apartment. Perhaps he’d even contemplate the little niggling problem that he’s bleeding out through a bullet hole in his side, just in time to die here, a short ways from warmth, out in the street alone.

Miserable, ne?

But perhaps this is better, dying quietly in the freezing rain. It’s only ten at night but in this twisting section of town, there’s no one to run across him. Slowly, a soft moan of pain escaping his lips, Izaya rolls over and stares at the stormy sky. Water runs down his back, making the chatter of his teeth more pronounced as tremors wrack his body. Izaya never thought he’d die like this, but, apparently, you never knew.

Death is a persistent thing.

He wonders if Shizuo even notices he’s not there, not sitting across the table from him with a glass in his hand, muttering softly about how tired of life he is. Probably, the blond won’t notice until Tom, his employer, points out the side story in the paper, the article mentioning him only briefly, before carrying on with other unimportant news. The thought hurts, to be honest. Izaya supposes he doesn’t deserve anything better, though he’d hoped for a lot more.

Not that’d he’d been expecting those late nights to go anywhere, no, Izaya’s not a dreamer by any stretch of the imagination.

But, maybe it could have gone a bit better.

As if he ever had any idea where he wanted those nights to go in the first place.

His vision is darkening, and he’s pretty sure it’s the dying bit and not the rain’s fault at all. _For once._ Too cold to care, Izaya closes his eyes and starts to drift off. It’s amazing how easy it is. Like it hasn’t eluded him his whole life, sleep welcomes the raven swiftly and the world starts to fade to one monotonous buzz.

Very peaceful. Very calm. Very-

“Izaya? The fuck are you doing there?”

Well, this was unexpected.

Izaya opens his eyes, even though he can’t really see anything anymore. Footsteps pound beside his head and the faint smell of nicotine filters through the raven’s brain. His eyes flicker closed again, he can’t keep them open.

“Shit, you’re bleeding everywhere. What the fuck happened to you?” He sounds alarmed, perhaps he doesn’t run into almost-corpses very often.

Funny, Izaya never thought the man would care.

Shizuo, for that’s who it is, slips an arm under Izaya. He can feel it, the warmth spilling off of the blond, negating the deadening chill of the rain. Another arm hooks under his knees and a moment later the hard pavement at Izaya’s back vanishes, replaced by a very warm Shizuo, who’s shaking him in an attempt to wake him up.

Well, maybe he’ll still die if this idiot is left to deal with him. Izaya could care less. Shizuo’s body heat is like fire to Izaya’s icy skin and it feels good. Except for his wound, which throbs hatefully as it remembers it exists, but he’s going to ignore that.

“Flea, don’t you fucking-”

“I got shot,” Izaya mumbles, cutting off Shizuo’s anger. Well, maybe anger isn’t the word for it. Fear is probably a closer approximation. At his words, the beast stops shaking him and just lets Izaya’s head fall limply to his shoulder. “Wasn’t paying attention,” he continues, though his tongue feels too big for his mouth. “ ‘m bleeding out now.”

“I can see that,” Shizuo huffs. He starts walking then, Izaya can feel each step reverberate through him as the blond’s feet connect with the pavement. The movement makes his head loll, Shizuo props it up with more gentleness than Izaya deserves. “What kind of goddamned idiot tries to get themselves killed in the middle of the night huh? Why the hell were you even here?”

The question stings because he expects Shizuo to already know the answer, but the rain that’s still falling stings more. Izaya shudders violently and murmurs, “Coming to see you.” Shizuo growls under his breath at the words so Izaya rushes ahead, needing to explain himself. “Sorry, the bottle broke, I know-”

“Don’t fucking talk about that shit like it’s important!” Shizuo snaps and Izaya doesn’t understand why the blond sounds worried because he definitely does and it doesn’t make sense. Why is he even helping the raven at all? “Why the hell would I care about some shitty bottle, you’re dying.” It’s hilarious because Shizuo’s not supposed to care about him at all.

Nevermind that Izaya’s hatred for Shizuo has trickled away and now all he feels is a strange sort of pull towards the beast, Shizuo’s supposed to hate him regardless. That’s how this works, right? Drinking together in the late hours of the night doesn’t change a thing. Even if Izaya feels like it might have changed something for him, that doesn’t make it real.

Except this _is_ real and Shizuo’s arms tighten around him as his pace picks up.

“Just thought…” Izaya’s losing what consciousness he has left, not that he begrudges its departure. “Thought you hated…” It’s a wonder he hasn’t passed out already.

“Well you thought wrong,” Shizuo says shortly. Izaya feels the words travel through the blond’s body and into his own. They’re surprising, and they probably would have sent Izaya’s brain into overdrive if he hadn’t already been so close to death. As it is, he accepts them easily, because without all his usual thoughts crowding his mind, Shizuo’s words make sense. “I don’t hate you.”

“Oh,” is the only answer the raven manages.

That worries Shizuo, just like everything else about his condition apparently. Izaya knows this because the blond stops unexpectedly so he can shout, “I mean it Izaya! Don’t you die on me now you little shit. You can’t just act like that for a month and expect me not to care when you get shot. That’s not fair!”

“Life’s not fair,” Izaya whispers simply, feeling the need to cough and suppressing it because he knows it’ll only hurt more. _You’re not fair_ , he thinks dimly. The blood loss is really getting to him now, even with both arms wrapped around his waist Izaya has to wonder if he’ll really make it. Shizuo can only do so much and the raven doesn’t even know where the blond is taking him. He’d ask if he could put the sentence together.

“I don’t fucking care.” Shizuo starts moving again, and this time it’s at a run. Every jolt hurts, every raindrop stings, every beat of the blond’s heart echoes in Izaya’s ears. Nothing phases him, he just dangles limply in Shizuo’s arms and focuses on breathing.

_In, out. In, out._

“If you die, I’m going to fucking kill you.”

_In, out. In, out._

“Oi! Open your eyes or something. Don’t go to sleep!”

_In, out. In, out._

“Izaya!”

_In, out. In-_

The next thing Izaya knows, he’s at Shinra’s, listening to the steady beeping of the heart monitor. Next to him, he can hear the deep breaths of Shizuo, slow and calming.

_In, out, in, out, in, out…_


	2. Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a weird feeling, coming home to find your enemy outside your door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, because why not. I felt like it.
> 
> Enjoy

There are things that can’t be predicted.

Shizuo knows this too well. He feels like his entire fucking life is just one long series of unpredictable events. Growing up with super strength should be plenty of different for one lifetime but for some reason, Shizuo seems to attract weird like a candle attracts moths.

Weird circumstances, weird problems, weird people. Hah, _especially_ weird people. Shizuo would like to think of himself as fairly normal, though that’s probably inaccurate on many levels. When he’s not tearing up street signs or putting people in the hospital, the blond really doesn’t do much that’s out of the ordinary. He works a kind of shit job as a bodyguard that’s made better by his boss, the debt collector he works to protect. After work, he goes home to his tiny apartment, keeps to himself and generally doesn’t cause trouble.

Shizuo isn’t exactly the pinnacle of interesting. Not once you get down to it.

Of course, because strange and interesting -he uses that term lightly- people seem to gather around him, Shizuo finds himself attracting a whole lot more attention than most people who are as boring as he is, do. The whole temper problem probably doesn’t help his case.

Recently, however, Shizuo’s noticed that things are getting better and a whole lot less _interesting_. There’s a reason behind it, and even for someone like him who's surrounded by crazy all the time, it’s weird.

That reason goes by the name of Izaya Orihara.

The bastard is one of the things that has kept Shizuo from being normal for most of his life. They used to fight constantly, running all over kingdom come as Shizuo tried to kill the slippery parasite and Izaya tried to injure him in return. It had been one of those things that set Shizuo apart from everyone else and he’d hated the man for it.

So what does Izaya have to do with things getting better? Well, Shizuo isn’t quite sure when the whole thing started. He’s nearly certain it ended that night when he found Izaya lying in a puddle of his own blood out in the freezing rain but that’s neither here nor there.

What he’s noticed, however, and it’s only now after a week of Izaya being kept under the watchful eye of Shinra that it’s really become apparent, is that his days have gotten a lot less interesting. And it isn’t even just that Izaya’s currently confined to a bed because when has that ever stopped the flea. No, Shizuo’s convinced that since Izaya started showing up at his house every other night with a bottle of alcohol and a bit of conversation, the man hasn’t caused as much trouble for him during the day.

To make a long story short, things have changed.

It’s an interesting thought, and Shizuo sort of hopes it’s true. Dealing with Izaya’s shit is exhausting. If he’s willing to give Shizuo a break, then the blond isn’t going to complain. He’s not exactly sure where it’s supposed to go because it’s Izaya and that alone is a problem, but Shizuo kind of likes just talking to him.

The alcohol is just an excuse at this point. It makes it easier to open the door, past that, Shizuo’s not even sure why they bother.

Of course, now Izaya’s been shot, and that irritates him because it means he probably won’t see the flea on his doorstep anytime soon. Shizuo doesn’t particularly care that just a month ago he would have been delighted to discover Izaya had been shot, he doesn’t like it now and, in the end, that’s what matters.

“Shizuo, you still there?” Tom’s voice shakes Shizuo from his brooding thoughts. The debt collector tilts his head and raises an eyebrow. “You look like you’re going to kill something.”

Snorting, Shizuo taps his cigarette to dislodge the loose ash and tries to relax his face. “Yeah, sorry Tom-san.” Shaking his head, Shizuo chuckles wryly and admits, “It’s been a week.”

“Well, it’s almost over,” Tom mutters, looking over his list for the day. “We only have one more person before we’re done for the day.”

Shizuo grunts, but doesn’t say anything. It’s weird, how the first thought that comes to mind is that Izaya won’t be waltzing through the door late in the evening when he’s on his last cigarette and already falling asleep. The thought of going home doesn’t sound quite so appealing anymore, and it’s because his old enemy won’t be there.

Still an enemy, it’s not like they’d ever agreed they didn’t hate each other anymore. Not an enemy though, because if Izaya still was an enemy, Shizuo wouldn’t be so bothered about his being hurt.

But Tom’s knocking on the door of some apartment and Shizuo’s got a job to do and thinking himself in circles isn’t doing his mental state any good.

The man who opens the door is grungy, smells bad and irritates Shizuo in general, but he doesn’t have to like these people, he just needs to make sure they don’t hurt Tom. He mostly ignores the conversation his boss and the man have, it’s boring and he doesn’t really care. Shizuo has never liked listening to these people whine and bargain so if he doesn’t have to listen, then he’s not going to.

Even so, some of what they’re talking about sticks. Apparently, the man wants more time to pay his loans and Tom keeps telling him that he’s already given him extra time. It’s boring right up until the moment where the man grabs at the debt collector and shakes him roughly. That’s Shizuo’s cue to earn his keep.

“Look,” Shizuo growls pleasantly, very _gently_ removing the man’s hands from the lapels of Tom’s jacket. “This is actually very simple. You politely hand over the money and in return, we leave. Understand?” It’s tempting to break a few of the idiot’s bones, just to make himself clear, but Shizuo resists. _Just because I’ve had a bad week doesn’t mean I can take it out on just anyone._

“C’mon man,” the pathetic piece of shit whines, cowering. “I can’t give you the money yet, you’ve got to cut me some slack.”

The man’s voice is grating and it only serves to aggravate the blond a little more. “You don’t deserve shit,” Shizuo tells him irritably, eyes narrowed. The man flinches away from his words, fear in his eyes.

Tom puts a hand on his shoulder, a silent order of ‘for the love of god, stand down Shizuo, he’s going to piss himself’. “I’ve given you as much extra time as I can,” Tom says, almost apologetically. “I’d rather not-”

Complacently, Shizuo starts to tune out the conversation. He’s tired, he doesn’t have the desire to deal with this shit, let alone the energy to get into it in the first place. He would have ignored the rest of the conversation entirely if he hadn’t heard something that brings his head back to the here-and-now. “You of all people should go easy on me,” the man is telling Shizuo, tugging on his shirt desperately. “After I did you such a big favor.”

“The fuck?” Shizuo growls, trying to dislodge the man’s hands, which are stronger than they look. This close, he can smell the drugs on the man and see how bloodshot his beady eyes are. Shizuo looks at Tom, half in confusion, half in anger. The only response he gets is a shrug and look that says, _just don’t hurt him too badly._

“Look,” Shizuo snaps, finally managing to shove the man away. The idiot stumbles and almost falls over. “I don’t know shit about you or about what _favor_ you supposedly did me. We’re just here to collect the money. If you’d like to walk away from this, I’d suggest you cut the bullshit.” His tone progressively gets more and more agitated. _Is the piece of shit trying to piss me off?_

“But I’m the one who did it!” the man says in a hushed voice, eyes wide and wild. “I’m the one who killed him! You should be grateful.”

_Fucking what?_

Shizuo’s hand shoots out and grabs the man’s collar. _If he means what I think he fucking means…_ Drawing a deep breath that does nothing to cool the rage shooting through his system, the blood says, in a very soft, very deadly voice, “Who. The hell. Are you talking about?”

Perhaps if the man hadn’t been so high, he might have thought twice about the next thing that came out of his mouth. As it is, he just grins widely and babbles, “Yes! I’m the one who shot that informant you hate so much. He killed the others but I managed to kill him, or at least shoot him. You should be eternally thankful, I’ve gotten rid of your enemy!”

Something inside Shizuo snaps. Tom has the good sense to take several steps back as Shizuo slams the man who had _dared_ to hurt Izaya into the wall, denting it. “You’re the one who fucking shot him?” Shizuo roars, eyes blazing. All he can think of is Izaya, unconscious in his arms, hardly breathing as he pounds on Shinra’s front door. It only makes his anger burn brighter. “I’m going to fucking kill you!”

Genuine terror finally breaking through whatever drug-induced haze he’s been in, the man scrambles at the hands choking him and babbles, “But you hate him, you always try to kill him!” Shizuo slams him into the wall harder and his eyes roll in pain.

“Just shut the hell up!” he thunders. Shizuo's week has been complete shit thanks to this man, Izaya almost fucking _died_. At this point, he’s ready and willing to take all of his rage out of this man’s hide. “You have no right to even lay a _finger_ on him!” It doesn’t even register that he’s getting this worked up over what the man did to _Izaya,_ all Shizuo wants to do is hurt his man until he can’t even _think_ about touching the raven ever again.

And he would have done it too, if it hadn’t been for Tom, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the man. “Shizuo stop! You’re going to kill him. Let him go, you’ve done enough damage already.” It takes everything Shizuo has to drop the softly groaning man to the floor before taking a step back, fists still shaking with repressed rage.

“He fucking tried to _kill-”_ he started.

“I know, but he’s not worth it.” There’s a surprising amount of understanding in Tom’s eyes, especially considering Shizuo doesn’t even understand it completely himself. “Go home Shizuo, I’ll handle it.”

Even though he desperately wants to turn around and kill the son of a bitch who thought hurting Izaya was a good idea, Shizuo draws a harsh breath and walks out the door, doing as his boss bids him. _I almost killed him_ , he realizes as his head starts to clear. _And I don’t regret it in the slightest._ Once he finally regains enough composure for his hands to stop shaking, Shizuo pauses to light up.

The nicotine calms him somewhat.

Mind traveling to Izaya, Shizuo runs his hands through his hair. This is stupid, clearly. _I should go see him. He’s still at Shinra’s, surely visiting after everything wouldn’t be wrong_. It feels wrong though, like that night was an end to something that never should have happened in the first place. _If I’m willing to kill someone, just because they hurt Izaya, I’m already in too deep_.

Sighing, the blond focuses on his cigarette and where his feet are taking him. _Home, because in the end, I’m too much of a coward to go see Izaya. What would I even say? We aren’t even friends._

The sun is setting, the air is chilly, driving most people indoors. Shizuo just hunches his shoulders and continues to his apartment. He’s tired, confused, and ready for this week to be over.

When he gets to his apartment, the lights are almost as dim as the sky outside. A bulb has blown, someone needs to fix that. Doesn’t matter really, there’s a reason these apartments are cheap. The world is a muted buzz as he walks up to his door, rifling through his pockets for his keys so he can unlock the door, grumbling when he can’t find them, sighing when he finally does. It all blends together.

“I was wondering when you’d get home,” muses a soft voice that Shizuo hasn’t heard in a week. Swiveling abruptly, Shizuo finds himself staring into the dark red eyes of the very person he’s spent so much time stressing over.

Izaya, for who else could it be, lets his head fall back against the wall. “I’ve been waiting here for _forever._ Very rude of you if you ask me.” From the furrow of Izaya’s brow, Shizuo can tell he’s in pain, the hunch of his spine only enforcing this notion. He’s not wearing his usual clothes, instead, he’s still dressed in the loose-fitting hospital wear Shirna probably gave him. When he notices Shizuo staring, Izaya grins weakly. “What, did you miss me Shizu-chan?”

 _Yes._ “What the fuck are you doing away from Shinra’s?” Shizuo demands instead, shaking some of his initial surprise away. Honestly, he’s glad to see Izaya, more than glad but he doesn’t feel like contemplating that right now.

Izaya pouts. “Just coming to see you, ne? I got tired of Shinra’s useless whining.” When he shrugs his shoulders, Shizuo notices the arm he has wrapped around his middle. “Besides, two weeks is overkill, I’m fine already.”

“You were fucking shot,” Shizuo points out, brows creasing in incredulity.

Izaya’s laugh turns into a painful looking cough. “I’ve survived worse.” With a sidelong look at the door, the raven adds, “Nevertheless, I would love to get my hands on the idiot who decided shooting me was a good idea. It hurt, just a bit.”

Shizuo’s eyes darken as he thinks of the druggy, pinned against the wall, eyes out of focus. “Oh, I found him already,” Shizuo growls, familiar anger flickering at the base of his skull. “He’s not doing shit ever again.”

Face lighting up with an odd sort of glee, Izaya croons, “Aww, does Shizu-chan want to kill the people who hurt me? Is he protective?”

“I would have fucking killed him,” Shizuo responds calmly, not rising to the jibe. “He’s a murderer.”

“I’m still alive,” Izaya points out, lids lowered. “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

“Do you honestly think I want you to die?” Shizuo asks, a disgruntled look on his face.

“No,” Izaya admits, before wincing and curling in on himself in pain. “A-ah, _god,_ I hate getting shot.”

Eyes softening, Shizuo sighs and asks, “Can you stand?”

The little head tilt Izaya gives him is priceless. “Why? What’s that got to do with anything.” Suspiciously, the raven presses himself into the wall and insists,  “I’m not walking back to Shinra’s if that’s what you’re saying. I don’t care what you think.”

Shizuo chuckles because goddamnit he missed the little shit and he’s not even ashamed to admit it. Without warning, he steps forward and pulls Izaya off the ground and into his arms. The man weighs next to nothing which is good for Shizuo and bad for Izaya as he squirms in an attempt to get away.

“Don’t be stupid,” Izaya huffs, eyes darting away, cheeks dusting pink.

Change is a funny thing. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it and never stops coming, even when you want it too. Shizuo knows something’s changed when he just holds the struggling man closer and grins stupidly, for the first time in forever. It doesn’t matter, he likes it.

“I missed you,” Shizuo comments, grin lessening as he looks down at Izaya. “When I thought you had died, I- I didn't know what to do with myself.”

“Aren’t we supposed to be enemies?” Izaya asks softly, eyes raking over Shizuo’s face, memorizing every detail like he doesn’t already know every line and every hair.

Shizuo just shrugs. “Things change.”

And they do, sometimes, for the better.


	3. Sober

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two months have passed since he last touched the bottle. Funny he’s still here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah! I was bored.
> 
> Enjoy

Alcohol, Izaya’s never particularly liked it. It’s bitter, inebriating, and all around not a pleasant experience, especially if you manage to consume too much of it. Some people claim to like that bottomless pit that is getting drunk, Izaya doesn't believe it for a second. But maybe that’s because he knows far too much about his precious humans. Perhaps it’s one of those lies that’s self-vindicating after all.

The first time he tasted alcohol was at the age of sixteen, Izaya’s pretty sure it had been a weird sort of joke Shiki played on younger people. Needless to say, he’d found it disgusting. Over time, however, he’d learned that drinking alcohol was a social pass, and he’d done accordingly.

There’s something to be said for the skill of drinking. Unfortunately, Izaya had next to no tolerance and everyone knew it. To counterbalance this, the skill he actually perfected was that of pretending to drink, convincing everyone he was intoxicated, then blindsiding them when he was the only sober person in the room. Quite clever, if he was one to judge.

But recently, recently he discovered just how far alcohol could get a person. It had got him into the lair of the beast with only a few bruises and a bad headache in the morning. Getting drunk meant he didn’t have to think about what he was doing, he could just… do. Izaya liked to think it put him at Shizuo’s level and that’s why he could be around the man but, the truth was, he was already at that level, it just took alcohol to see it.

And that was that month in a nutshell. Probably unhealthy, definitely upsetting to his sensibilities but a pass. A tentatively outstretched hand.

One Shizuo had, as far as Izaya could tell, taken.

At first, it had been strange, delicate. They hadn’t really talked much, just sat together in silence. Izaya could remember clearly the number of times he’d wanted to say something, and even more clearly the number of times he forced that desire down. Shizuo would always smoke, eyes fixed on a point over Izaya’s shoulder as if avoiding looking at the man would prevent him from losing his temper.

And predictably, the alcohol was there, sitting in the middle of the table unless one of them reached for it. They didn’t always finish it, most of the time they didn’t, but it was always there. Generally, it was Izaya that consumed the majority of it, half out of principle and half out of necessity. Shizuo drank too, even though he didn’t like the taste.

Things were easy.

There’d been a reason he’d showed up that first time. Life had been wearing him down, slowly breaking Izaya apart. Why he’d chosen Shizuo to confide in, well, who else? The beast understood him, even if it was in a twisted and warped way. He’d understood that black hole in Izaya’s heart that sucked in everything but never filled him.

So that’s where he’d gone.

It wasn’t until the late nights had become a pattern that he’d said anything to Shizuo at all. Talking, after all, was an entirely unexplored territory between them. They fought, they didn’t _discuss._ But Izaya had started opening his mouth anyway. Even then the conversation topics were innocuous. The weather, The news. Work. Sometimes Shizuo responded, sometimes he didn’t. It hadn’t mattered much, Izaya had usually talked enough for the both of them.

But it hadn’t stayed like that. Gradually, Izaya had started to talk about other things. Problems around the city he was dealing with, clients that had angered him. Then it was his loneliness, his fears, bits of his past. Shizuo just listened, letting him ramble. Alcohol made it easier to start talking, the blond helped Izaya keep on going.

Honestly, Shizuo probably knew more about Izaya than the Raven knew about himself.

It shows tonight when Shizuo hands Izaya a cup of tea before dropping to the old sofa as well. The TV is on, Izaya’s not really listening to it. He’s watching Shizuo, who has a cold bottle of milk in his hands and is staring distantly at nothing. Amazing how easily the man could zone out.

Why the couch? Well, Izaya would like to think they’ve graduated from Shizuo’s old, if sturdy, kitchen table. Actually, they’ve changed quite a bit, and not just in seating arrangements.

Izaya’s been learning things about the blond that he never knew before. He knows what types of food Shizuo eats, it helps when he decides to grab dinner for the two of them from a convenience store. Yes, he’d known this before, but it’s different. He’s not confined to what he’s already seen Shizuo consume, he knows just by looking at something whether Shizuo will like it or not.

Shizuo seems to understand Izaya’s pallet as well but curiously, it hadn’t taken him time to figure out.

Sometimes Shizuo talks about his work as well. Izaya had always known Tom Tanaka, his name, address, and bank account number, but he’d never known who he was, What managed to irritate him, how he treated the people around him, why he was willing to put up with Shizuo at all. Before, Izaya would have claimed he knew everything about Shizuo just on principle, now, he knows enough to admit that he’s only scratched the surface of the creature he spends his time around.

But he’s learning, picking up on all those little ticks Shizuo has. The obvious and the more subtle. Izaya has always known how to push the monster’s buttons, he’s only just now learning how to avoid them. The ease with which Tom calms Shizuo down makes sense to Izaya now. It’s in all those little tells you have trouble seeing when you have a ninety mile an hour trashcan hurtling towards your face.

But Izaya can see them now. He sees some of them at this moment, just the beginning twitches of anger. Something earlier pissed Shizuo off probably, he’s just remembering it now. It’s in the way he doesn’t blink as much as he should, the slight tensing of his forearms, the subtle way he rolls his cigarette between his teeth. Not really biting down on it, but far from relaxed.

Briefly, Izaya contemplates leaving, just to get out of range of the potential explosion, but he likes where he’s sitting, his tea is actually not half bad and it’s warm. If not in temperature, then in atmosphere. So instead he paws at the remote and changes the channel.

Shizuo has always had a childlike nature about him in that, among other things, his attention can at times be easily broken. The moment the droning Japanese newscaster is replaced by a bad American western, Shizuo’s body forgets that he’s upset. Turning, he raises and eyebrow at Izaya.

Izaya just shrugs. It’s amazing how when he’s not doing something nefarious, Shizuo rarely asks for a verbal explanation. He just has to look at Izaya to know what’s at the forefront of the man’s mind. Izaya can almost do the same for Shizuo, but he doesn’t claim to be an expert. Mysteriously, Shizuo seems better at this than him.

But he’s not going to worry about it, Izaya hasn’t thought of this relationship as a competition since the strange interlude began. While under normal circumstances, he would find someone almost reading his mind disconcerting, it’s Shizuo, and somehow, that makes it all okay. Why, Izaya’s not sure, it just does.

Everything is comfortable, Izaya’s at peace.

And he’s sober, which is what makes this all so amazing. After getting shot he hadn’t bothered with the alcohol, it was hard enough to escape from Shinra’s watchful eyes. All he does now is show up at Shizuo’s house and the man lets him in.

Izaya likes this better when he’s not drunk. It’s easier to keep from rambling, stay quiet and contemplative. Shizuo probably prefers it too, considering how he finds alcohol as distasteful as Izaya does. They’re honestly just enjoying each other’s company and while that’s a miracle in and of itself, it’s even more amazing that Izaya wouldn’t have it any other way. His own apartment is cold, Shizuo’s is always warm. His voice is gentle these days, and Izaya likes letting his masks slip for once.

But tonight, there’s something else there. Izaya sets his empty cup on the table, straightening as he does so. He’s been sensing a budding bit of tension in the air and it’s mildly confusing while at the same time making an inordinate amount of sense. It’s something about being in proximity to Shizuo, it’s something about the pleasant tingling that spreads through him whenever their skin touches. Izaya’s not sure yet what it is, but he nearly certain he wants more of it.

Which is why he scoots over on Shizuo’s old couch, moving closer to the silent man. He likes the closeness, the companionable stillness. Shizuo glances up at him but doesn't stop him, doesn’t ask why. The only explanation is that he already knows. Really, not that surprising.

It takes a moment for Izaya to adjust to this, the hyperawareness he seems to have suddenly developed. One moment it was tingling, the next, Izaya knows exactly how easy it would be for him to just lean to the side a fraction of an inch and relax against Shizuo’s shoulder. Fidgeting, he watches Shizuo from the corner of his eye. The man isn’t looking at him, but Izaya knows Shizuo’s whole attention is fixed on him anyway.

It was all like a game, a game of who would do what first. As it happens, Shizuo’s the one who takes the next step by slowly stretching, seemingly casual, but Izaya feels the arm slip around behind him. They’re still not touching, it’s hard to pretend that nothing has changed and they’re still rivals if they’re casually touching after all.

Shizuo’s index finger beats out an irregular pattern in the back of the couch. Izaya’s anxiety manifests in the way he bites his lip. The air is tense, the only sound is the TV and even that seems distant. This feels like a line is being crossed and it’s almost more dangerous than fighting.

But Izaya knows a chess game when he sees it and it’s his turn to move.

And it’s in this way that he takes a deep breath before letting his head fall against Shizuo’s chest, curling up against him like he’s done similar his whole life. Like a valve being opened, the pressure in the rooms drops and Shizuo releases the breath he’s been holding. Still incredibly self-conscious, Izaya mumbles under his breath, “I was cold.” The warmth spreading through his insides makes the pitiful excuse worth it.

Relaxing somewhat himself, Shizuo chuckles warmly and Izaya can feel it echo through his own body. “What,” he rumbles, and a shiver makes its slow descent down Izaya’s spine. “Are you drunk Flea?” His arm settles around the raven’s shoulders nonetheless, pulling him in a bit more.

At the soft words, Izaya smiles tiredly and lets his eyes drift closed. “Nope, I’ve been sober for two months now.” It’s calm, comfortable, and quiet. He doesn’t know what it is, it’s new and it’s nothing like anything he’s ever experienced before.

Funnily enough, Izaya finds that he likes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. Again, bored. But at least it's not depressing and sad and such. 
> 
> Heck, I would even say it's fluffy.


	4. Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over time, the game has changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still bored, but slightly less so. 
> 
> Honestly, I had eight hours in the car to write, I made good use of it, my darlings. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Sometimes it’s not quite so quiet.

They still run through the streets of Ikebukuro by day, locked in their usual fight. Well, not really usual, Shizuo isn’t aiming to kill anymore. Izaya, in turn, isn’t quite so cruel, doesn’t try to piss him off quite so much. It looks the same, damaged property and dulled knives, but the players of the game know it’s just that.

A game.

Not, Izaya has to admit, the kind of twisted thing he normally calls a game. This is playful and it isn’t the kind of thing that kills you if you misstep. No, it’s different.

But not by much.

Izaya sails through the streets like a red-eyed, raven-haired demon. One can practically see how stupidly excited this whole exercise makes him. What with his flushed face and his narrowed eyes, it hardly looks like a fight at all when they get close enough to touch. Ah, but that’s not the objective and Shizuo rarely catches him.

It used to be serious, their fights used to be blood-curdling, heart-thumping, adrenaline-fueled fever dreams but Izaya likes this better.

Down an alley, up a fire escape. Shizuo’s thrown street sign almost hits him and he vaults off the rusted metal and onto the narrow window ledges each apartment building sports. For a moment he teeters, almost stumbling, then he’s off like a shot, running along a razor’s edge like it’s no big deal. This is one of Izaya’s fortes and sometimes, he wonders if Shizuo likes watching him slither out of danger, twisting in a deadly dance only he knows.

 _He_ certainly likes watching the beast chase _him_ , fire in his golden eyes, smoke tangling in his bleached hair. It’s a sight to behold, one that would have been terrifying if Izaya weren't so certain Shizuo wasn’t going to kill him. It was a very odd sort of truce, but they both seemed to be honoring it. There is little point in bringing it up.

Gracefully falling off the ledge he’s reached the edge of, Izaya tumbles down in a limber ball of wiry limbs and fluttering coat, rolling to his feet before he has a chance to lose his momentum. It’s been months since this was actually a life or death scenario but his blood still runs hot when he hears Shizuo’s taunting call of, “Iza~ya.”

And Izaya responds with something equally well-versed, “Idiot protozoan,” as he takes them through another throng of people, spinning and darting, never running into anyone or otherwise slowing his pace. The humans naturally part for Shizuo, he doesn’t even have to sidestep a single soul.

So it’s a good thing Izaya’s so fast, otherwise, he’d already be at a disadvantage before they even started. That would have been anticlimactic and boring, to say the least. No, he’s always been better at this than Shizuo, but it’s not by much, which is what makes it so much fun.

This game they play, it’s almost _something_. It’s almost deadly, it’s almost dangerous, it’s almost like what they’re not sure is there, but sincerely hope exists.

Except, if Izaya’s being perfectly candid with himself, it’s nothing like the evenings he spends curled up on the end of Shizuo’s couch, watching the television while the smell of cigarettes wafts through the air. Sometimes, depending on where he is, Izaya wonders if the other one is real. At night, he can hardly see these play fights as existing because it seems too open to have happened at all. In the day, Izaya can’t believe he can get close to Shizuo at all because it seems too personal and removed from what’s before him.

As far as he can tell, however, both are equally real. Both are as much a part of his life as the other. They just don’t mesh, don’t mix even under the best circumstances. If he could give a name to either, maybe Izaya would have had better luck fitting them together into a cohesive narrative, but it all seems rather improbable.

So until he has something worked out, Izaya figures he’ll just keep playing this oh-so-dangerous game without complaint. Because it’s fun, and because he doesn’t have a better option.

Grinning madly, Izaya darts down another, less frequented street. It’s there that an idea hits him and he’s sent flying into another alley. At long last, it’s here that he slows down and he’s not entirely sure why he does it in the first place because this is a _game_ and you can’t just give up halfway through. But he’s not giving up, he’s just not running and Izaya’s pretty sure he can do both at once.

As he half expects, Shizuo crashes into him a moment later. The inevitable collision is almost violent, but oddly enough, _isn’t._ It’s a weird sort of thing because Izaya doesn’t turn around and Shizuo doesn’t stop and when warm arms encircle him in what’s less of a crash and more of an embrace, both of them freeze, everything else momentarily forgotten.

There’s a brief pause where they both wonder what happened and whether it was an accident or not. A second later Shizuo quickly starts to step back and Izaya can feel the embarrassment radiating from him. “Shit, I- I’m sorry,” he mumbles, sounding ashamed.

Izaya almost moves away as well because he really wasn’t expecting that but at the same time it’s warm and he remembers just last night, falling asleep in Shizuo’s lap like it was the most natural thing imaginable. Without thinking, he puts his hands on Shizuo’s arms and pulls him back, relaxing against the monster’s warm chest. It really is natural, easy, and for the first time, this, whatever it is, feels solid. Out in the daylight, Izaya can almost see it for what it is and he welcomes it because it’s only then that he’s sure it’s not going away.

“I- Izaya?” Shizuo sounds confused, nervous like he’s not sure where this is going. Honestly, Izaya isn’t sure either. He hasn’t been quite sure in a long time. But this is just easy. A normal progression from getting drunk at Shizuo’s house, to staying conscious at Shizuo’s house, to being okay with the beast in the evening when there’s no one around, to being comfortable with him in daylight. This comfortable closeness is just another step and it doesn’t feel strange in the slightest.

“What is this, Shizu-chan?” Izaya muses, leaning his head back on Shizuo's shoulder. He’s absolutely convinced that this is the best thing ever and even if someone did come down this alley he wouldn’t have moved a muscle. Shizuo's arms tighten at the question and Izaya has a feeling that the beast likes this just as much as he does.

Shizuo snorts and shakes his head slowly. “Do we really have to figure it out right now?” he asks gruffly, body loosening where it’s pressed against Izaya’s bony shoulders and prominent spine. “I kinda like it,” he adds quickly as if Izaya would ever doubt he did. “I kinda like you.”

 _Oh_ , but the raven just isn’t that open. He doesn’t really know how to be quite that honest so he settles for second best. “Hmm,” Izaya responds back, amused by how dark Shizuo’s cheeks have grown. “I suppose I tolerate it.” Eyes taking on a playful gleam, Izaya adds, “I guess I might tolerate you too, sometimes.” Shifting and letting out a snort, Shizuo glares down at him but doesn’t rise to the challenge.

“So we don’t have to be anything,” Shizuo mutters, sounding a bit relieved. His arms are loose around Izaya, he could break the beast’s hold easily, but he doesn’t. Because this is a fun game and Izaya doesn’t want to ruin whatever is happening because of it.

“Isn’t this already something?” Izaya asks, inhaling the nicotine infused with Shizuo's clothing and closing his eyes for a moment. It’s amazing how relaxed he’s become over time around the beast. And it only took a _couple_ months, proof miracles could happen.

“Well, it’s a good something,” Shizuo huffs before letting go of Izaya and stepping back, giving the raven-haired man room enough to turn and face him. “And I like it where it is for now.”

That’s something they can both agree on.

They’d certainly come a long way since crushed trash cans and tipping liquor bottles. Make no mistake, it’s far from simple, even if the original complications have evaporated over time. Now it’s a different type of complicated, but Izaya’s willing to let it go if it means he doesn’t have to obsess over it. Besides, even if he doesn’t know exactly what he wants or what he’s just gotten himself into, Izaya’s pretty sure that this mess started a while ago so he might as well keep going.

Because this game is warm and safe. Because Shizuo’s apartment walls aren’t quite as impersonal as his own, and the beast’s golden eyes glow brightly whenever he stares at Izaya from the other end of that small kitchen. Because Izaya knows when he’s beat, and this time, he’s perfectly happy to lose to the gods of fate.

“I’ve got work Shizu-chan,” Izaya says at length, stretching his arms above his head before rolling his neck. “I’ll see you later I suppose.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Izaya turns to face the blond and grins when he sees that blush still high on his cheeks. “See you tonight?” Shizuo clarifies with a trace of hope.

“Of course,” he all but purrs in hard to suppress delight. It’s a little thing, but little things can become big things if given time. As he saunters away, Izaya calls back, “Don’t forget to leave your door unlocked for me Shizu-chan. I’d hate to have to pick the lock again.”

Shizuo chuckles warmly.

Izaya never pauses as he leaves, still smirking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally, this story is too fluffy. TIME FOR SOME ANGST THAT YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR OR NEED!!!!
> 
> Because why not?


	5. Sometimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the fights are real. Sometimes they still cause pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canadia is truly beautiful my darlings, but my heart and mind are always on my stories and bringing you more deliciously concocted angst. Which I am doing now because it's only six a.m. and I woke up at two.  
> I hope it isn't too noticeable...
> 
> Enjoy!!

Sometimes, they still fight.

Times like this, Shizuo wonders what they think they’re doing. Questions whether they’re thinking at all. Asks himself why they’re bothering because it doesn’t seem to matter that he cares for Izaya, he still ends up pissed with him just the same. The only thing that seems different is that it hurts more when he loses it. Now the fights drag them apart by hacking at their base. 

Most of the times he wants to blame Izaya for what happens. The man can be absolutely infuriating after all, why shouldn’t he point fingers where they deserve to be pointed? But he knows that’s his anger talking, his short temper. Yes, Izaya needles him on occasion, but more often than not, it’s just Shizuo. The man’s just a spark, Shizuo’s the one doused in gasoline.

That doesn’t make the fights any smaller, any easier to diffuse. If anything, it’s worse. In such tight quarters, when he explodes, it always leaves a scar. An ugly mark that can’t fade soon enough. Shizuo always ends up wondering if he’s just imagining that there’s something between the two of them. How can it be affectionate if Izaya’s words cut so deeply, how can it be caring if Shizuo’s rage leaves bruises?

Sometimes, it’s abusive.

Really, it’s unhealthy. Even Shizuo, idiot that he is, can see it. Izaya must be able to see it, however ignorant he can be. They’d be better off alone, not trying to exist around each other when it feels like all they do is clash. Hell, it feels like more time is spent trying to forget their last fight than being happy around each other. 

Shinra, the moral busybody that he can be, has expressed his concerns with what’s between them. Softly of course, furtively as if worried he’ll upset two different brands of monster that will turn on him in a moment. How it’s any of his business is beyond Shizuo, he wants him to keep the fuck out of the mess Izaya and he have gotten themselves into. He wishes he knew why they got themselves into this in the first place, but he doesn’t. 

Sometimes, it’s illogical.

Actually, it’s always illogical, they’re just better at hiding it some days than others.

One of them should really just leave, it would be better for both of them. This is just causing pain and it’s almost always Shizuo’s fault. He’s the one who’s out of control, after all, If it weren’t for him, Izaya wouldn’t get hurt so often, he’d be happier. The thoughts make Shizuo miserable, which in turn shortens his fuse further. And every time he snaps, something breaks.

Today, it’s a mug that had held cold tea. He’s not sure when he picked it off of Izaya’s table but it sure shattered when it hit the wall by Izaya’s head. The raven still hasn’t reacted, he’s standing there, staring at Shizuo, who is pulsing with anger and frustration. At his feet, the tea is staining his carpet, turning it milky brown.

At least this time Shizuo can point to the exact words that came out of Izaya’s mouth that pissed him off. He’d brought up this whole mess in the first place, starting off casual but gradually getting more accusatory. Shizuo could only handle so many comments about how he’s becoming an abuser and he’s going to get arrested on charges of domestic battery before something snapped.

The look on Izaya’s face shifts minutely, but Shizuo knows the glimmer of objurgation deep in his eyes because he’s seen it a million times before. Usually, Izaya’s just joking when he says he blames Shizuo for these fights but at times like these, it’s clear that somewhere deep down, he believes it.

“Just shut up,” Shizuo repeats more softly, fighting his natural instinct to fly off the hook further. Keep hurting, keep throwing until it’s bone cracking and not just plaster. The fringes of his vision are red, his fists are clenched but he doesn’t want to see that condemnation on Izaya’s face. He wants to wipe it away with his fists, but that never helps, does it? “You’re no better you piece of shit.”

Then the slow dribble of blood slides down Izaya’s face and Shizuo realizes a fragment of the shattered mug must have still hit the man, even though he dodged. It streaks down from just above his eyebrow to his cheek before dripping to the ground, joining the tea stains already there.

“I might be worthless,” Izaya whispers, his voice coming out all too broken and tired. “But at least I don’t throw things at you.” And just like that, the anger is gone. Shizuo can’t maintain it in the face of Izaya’s pain. Oh, the proud man will never admit it hurts, but Shizuo can tell it does. It’s in the tensing of his jaw, the way he stands up straighter.

Deep down, Shizuo knows that it’s always been his fault, he just wishes he could pretend otherwise. He opens his mouth, probably to apologize, but Izaya’s lips purse together and he shuts it again.  _ I’m doing the best I can, but my best isn’t good enough. _

All he can do is stare at Izaya, watch and pour all his remorse, his self-hatred into his eyes. Little by little, the raven-haired man breaks down as well, bits of his shell crumbling around him. The pain he’s feeling plays out across his face, blame, anger, hatred, it’s all there. Shizuo wants to fold beneath that expression.

But it’s his fault this is all so shitty so instead, he steels himself and mutters, “I’m sorry.” Those are still new words to him, he’s not used to apologizing to Izaya, a few months ago it would have never been a thought in his head but he’s learning by necessity. He seems to fuck up pretty frequently after all.

“Ah yes, you’re sorry.” The words, meant to be snide no doubt, come out bitter and sad. Izaya’s crimson eyes look so damaged, tired. Why does this have to hurt? Why can’t it always be sweet? Why does the center have to collapse as the edges fray away? “Because sorry means so much.”

Shizuo’s eyes drop to the floor because Izaya’s right. Even if he doesn’t often apologize, words don’t heal cuts and bruises and they definitely don’t heal Izaya’s heart. And yet he can’t stop himself from muttering, “Well what else do you want me to say?” 

“I don’t know,” Izaya admits. Finally, his hand travels to the thin laceration on his forehead that just keeps bleeding. Smudging the blood, he prods at the injury. His pale fingers come away red. Staring at his hand resentfully, the Raven asks, “What are we doing Shizu-chan? We’re not even- What are we?”

He doesn’t have an answer. It’s not as if they’re in a relationship, he’s not sure what a relationship would even entail. They’re just spending time around each other. They just care about each other too much. People always ask if it’s love, Shizuo’s not even sure what that word means. This though, this can’t be love.

“I should leave,” Shizuo mumbles, eyes dark, sad. Furious with himself and no one else. He doesn’t want to, doesn’t want to think about this. All he wants to do is make things right, gather Izaya into his arms and reassure himself that this isn’t stupid, that there’s something there that he can cling to. But he can’t, he’ll just screw up again. Izaya will do something to needle him and he’ll blow up.

Izaya’s eyes lock on Shizuo and he screws his face up in fury. “So you’re just going to run away? Is that all this is worth to you?” His words don’t make sense, didn’t he just insinuate he doesn’t know why they’re trying?

Frustrated, Shizuo says, “Don’t fucking start. All we ever do is fight, you’ve said it yourself, why do we even bother?” Clenching his fists, he struggles to keep himself still. Izaya’s head keeps bleeding, his expression keeps changing, emotions he never used to show when they were just enemies and things were simple. 

“I just want this to stop hurting,” Izaya murmurs, anger dissipating, replaced by a helpless look. Across the room from Shizuo, silhouetted by huge windows overlooking Tokyo, Izaya looks so small, fragile. Something that needs to be protected.  _ But I can’t, can I? I just make things worse. _ “I want this to make sense.”

Wordlessly, Shizuo lets his gaze fall. None of it makes sense. They don’t make sense. Both of them are so twisted, so warped by the world and by each other they don’t fit together, they don’t so much as belong in the same room. Hell, it’s been over three months since this all started and they still don’t know if they’re friends. Just a ticking time bomb, just one mistake from collapsing.

“But it’s not going to make sense, is it?” Izaya’s soft words pull Shizuo’s eyes up, however reluctantly. There’s so much pain in his eyes, but he’s staring at the blond man with something else, something tender. “We’ve never made sense, ne? Why start now?” Sucking his bottom lip in, Izaya nibbles at it, nervous, but not of Shizuo.

“I’m sorry,” Shizuo mutters again, unable to stop himself from starting forward, haltingly walking towards Izaya. The man doesn’t move, just watches Shizuo with helpless emotion, like if Izaya could, he’d still hate the man before him. Wouldn’t that be so much easier? But Shizuo can’t get rid of the shitty, illogical feelings he has for Izaya and he doubts the Raven can pull his own apart either.

“I know you are,” Izaya admits, crimson eyes softening impossibly.  _ Just like always, just like every other time I’ve fucked up. Welcoming me back like he’s crazy, like he likes the destructiveness I bring. _ There’s no one else who would willingly accept Shizuo after the things he does. Izaya’s the only one.

Which is why Shizuo doesn’t leave, doesn’t get out now while his head is clear and he can see how convoluted this nameless relationship can be. Because he also sees the good, the shining moments, far more frequent than the bad. Not really outweighing them, nothing can do that. They’ll forever be a dark stain, but these terrible moments aren’t the only thing there.

This is why Shizuo moves around Izaya’s desk, around the scattered papers that went flying as Izaya tried to avoid the mug. It twists his stomach, he wishes this were different. But it’s not, and he wants it, no matter how twisted and dark it looks from the outside. Maybe that’s wrong, but for all his strength, Shizuo’s not strong enough to do the right thing.

Izaya blinks slowly as Shizuo stops before him, hardly a foot away. “How long are we going to pretend this is a good thing?” Shizuo asks, voice tender, hand gentle as he swipes a finger over the blood on Izaya’s face. His heart keeps thumping painfully, which might be a good thing, but Shizuo’s just as willing to believe it’s a bad thing. Ever so slowly, they’re breaking down, crumbling into something new. 

Falling together.

“Forever?” Izaya guesses, fingers wrapping around Shizuo’s wrist, cool and delicate. “Until it really is a good thing?” It’s just the kind of stubborn-ass thing Izaya would say, Shizuo finds himself snorting with bitter laughter. Izaya’s face melts into a small, rueful smile too, just barely there but definitely a smile. It’s all Shizuo wants, a shaft of light through all this darkness plaguing them.

Tentatively, the blond pulls Izaya against himself, holding him closely, smothering their words, the spoken and the unspoken ones. With a soundless sigh, Izaya’s tense body relaxes against Shizuo, the fight leaving him, fleeing both of them. The only thing they’re really still fighting is themselves. All the pieces of their past that tangle in the air and make this so much harder than it needs to be.

Sometimes, all they need is this closeness, this tenderness after the storm. Healing when everything is painful. How fitting they find that comfort here, where the pain is greatest. It’s almost self-destructive.

And Shizuo knows he’s making the wrong choice, that really he should be leaving so he doesn’t end up killing Izaya one day, but he can’t and he doesn’t want to. He just wants to sink into the cool touch of Izaya and the head resting on his shoulder that promises his life won’t be so shitty anymore.

Sometimes, it’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah! It only gets worse people
> 
> After all, I am the one writing it, when have I ever been kind?
> 
> Still need to catch that moose tho...


	6. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up with a sprained wrist and a throbbing head is never fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOre angst. MORE!!! Sorry sorry, I know I'm a monster but come now, you people seem to like it.  
> Haha, oh boy, I'm so mean to Izaya...
> 
> Enjoy!

When he first wakes up, Izaya judiciously decides not to open his eyes. The throbbing at his left temple isn’t going to get any better when introduced to light. Neither, he suspects, will the stiff pain in his wrist, though at least if he opens his eyes, he can get a look at it. Really though, he’s not sure he wants to wake up just yet.

So instead he just lies there and carefully tries to acclimate his mind to the reality of being awake and wonders, insofar as he can, what happened before this. Izaya has a hunch, call it a premonition if you will, that he’s not in his own bed. He’s woken up under mysterious circumstances in enough foreign places to know when he’s not at home. Of course, it usually hurts more, and he’s a little more restrained but Izaya’s not in a position to sweat the details.

As his senses begin to return to him, he notes the heavy smell of antiseptic and rubber gloves and relaxes, because he knows where he is now and it’s _definitely_ not his first time waking up to this place with no idea how he got there. Feeling about with the hand that doesn’t hurt, Izaya finds the bandages wrapped around his skull and the brace on his left wrist before sighing resignedly and opening his eyes.

Well, it does indeed make his head pound, hard enough that he feels nauseated. Part of him wants to try to close his eyes again and fall back into that comforting blackness, but he’s come this far and he’s not going to give up now. Opening his eyes wider and blinking blearily, Izaya stares at the ceiling of Shinra’s clinic and wonders again how exactly he’d gotten here.

There are memories, he can almost find them, but they’re vague and he can’t quite grasp them before they inevitably flutter out of his reach. Grumbling, Izaya tries to sit up, before letting out a soft groan of pain and falling to the sheets again. Apparently, his spine is also upset with him, along with his entire left side really.

Thankfully, wherever the underground doctor happened to be, he heard Izaya’s sounds of pain and a moment later there’s the sound of shoes on the tile floor. Despite the pain, Izaya cracks a half grin and, with a tongue that feels unfortunately thick, mutters, “I really need to stop ending up here, ne?”

Shinra laughs, which is good because it means Izaya isn’t in such bad shape that the doctor can’t find humor in the situation. There have been times like those, instances that stick out quite sharply in Izaya’s mind, but this isn’t one of those times. Good, he doesn’t really want to have to deal with something major.

“Well Izaya, it would certainly be better for _you_ ,” the doctor comments, walking around his bed and poking at various instruments that make irritating beeps and groans. “Though you’re in surprisingly good shape all things considered.”

His interest is peaked. “And how exactly did I end up here?” Izaya manages to peel open his eyes again and finds Shinra checking the bandages on his forehead. With a look of surprise, Shinra glances down into Izaya’s eyes.

“You don’t remember?” he asks curiously, pulling out a light so he can shine it in Izaya’s face, checking on goodness knows what. Whatever he finds apparently satisfies him because a moment later the light is put away. “Hmm, you don’t seem to have a concussion. What’s the last thing you recall?”

Izaya’s silent for a moment as Shinra starts to unwrap his skull and he tries to remember what he was last doing. Blurry thoughts surface and he wonders aloud, “How long have I been here?”

Pulling the slightly bloody bandages away, Shinra promptly answers, “About eight hours, give or take a couple minutes.” Izaya almost nods before he remembers his headache and ceases his movements. What must have been just yesterday comes into focus and Izaya recalls clients, Namie, and a cold cup of tea someone spilled on his rug. Past that though, it all seems hazy. As if sensing Izaya’s continued confusion, Shinra adds, “Shizuo-san brought you in.”

“Ah,” is all Izaya has to say as he shifts and his left hip bumps the side of his bed, giving him an unpleasant jolt of pain. Discovering that he does remember something and more is coming back the longer he meditates on it, Izaya tries to focus. “He was at my apartment,” the raven hums, almost to himself.

Shirna doesn’t bat an eye at this. Most of Izaya’s close acquaintances and Shizuo’s friends are at least partially aware of their… relationship. Celty had been the first to figure out there was something going on between the two when she had come to deliver something to Izaya and found Shizuo instead.

Unfortunately, this meant that the crack doctor had found out as well, leading to a rather uncomfortable conversation during which Izaya had been forced to explain the nature of their relationship to dispel any of the strange ideas that Shinra had gotten. For example, no, they weren’t sleeping together and no, they weren’t _dating_. They just happened to like being around each other and were willing to give that much a chance.

It isn’t something weird, it’s just something that’s still only half-formed. Izaya doesn’t have a clue so he’s glad the doctor isn’t inclined to question it anymore.

“I gathered that much from what he told me,” Shinra says, cutting through Izaya’s thoughts and leaving him a little confused before he picks up the thread of the conversation and lets out another hum of understanding. “I- Ah, I also gathered that he was the one who put you into this state...”

As he waits for his memories to catch up with this new information, Izaya evades the statement by asking, “And what state would that be?”

Like a switch has been flipped, Shinra falls into doctor mode. “Your left wrist is sprained, probably from when you tried to stop your fall. Your head connected with something sharp, I suspect the edge of a table. There was blood, but it was nothing too serious and you don’t seem to have sustained any lasting damage. Other than that, your back and left side suffered from contusions, though again, it’s nothing too serious.”

The memories click into place now, one after another. Izaya’s mouth turns down as he remembers his stupidly taunting remarks, Shizuo’s anger and the inevitable fight that he’d been just begging for. Groaning, Izaya holds his good hand to his head as he remembers the world suddenly vanishing out from under him when the beast finally lost it and sent him flying across the room.

All he has after that is a moment of panic and a flash of pain.

“He’s getting weak,” Izaya comments, trying to sound light and only managing to sound guilty. Really, he shouldn’t have pushed Shizuo like that. He’d been standing far too close, the air had been far too charged, something had been bound to happen, this wasn’t surprising in the least. “Usually he manages to at least break something.”

“This has happened before?” Shinra squawks, looking alarmed. “I mean I knew you two didn’t have the best relationship but-”

Izaya rolls his eyes before quickly insisting, “I was _kidding_ Shinra. Usually, Shizu-chan doesn’t throw me against things anymore.”

“Oh,” Shinra relaxes, eyes flitting about. “Well, I guess that’s good. I never did like it when you were always at each other’s throats.” Izaya has to agree, he didn’t like it either. It was painful, even when it was fun, and the bruises that used to decorate his skin were always big and hard to hide.

Well, these newer bruises probably aren’t much better but at least Izaya knows nothing’s fractured.

Struggling for a moment before sitting up, Izaya glances about the stark room and mumbles, “Hey Shinra, is Shizu-chan here?” The small sick room is empty, save for the pair of them. That doesn’t really surprise him though, it’s not particularly comfortable and the couches out in the living room that doubles as a waiting room are much more amenable to sleep. Chances are, the blond fell asleep waiting for him to wake up. It sounds like the kind of thing he’d do.

Izaya has always pegged Shizuo as someone who could be intensely loyal at times such as these.

But Shinra’s twisting expression tells another story entirely. “Ara, actually…” Trailing off, the doctor looks at Izaya with worried gray eyes and mutters, “Shizuo-san left Izaya. He didn’t stay for more time than it took me to look you over. All he seemed to want to know was if you were going to be okay, then he was gone.” The corners of his eyes crinkle in concern. “I’m sorry, he didn’t tell me anything more.”

Flicking his tongue over his lips to wet them, Izaya takes a moment before carefully asking, “Did he leave a note or anything?” Why Shizuo left is beyond him, Izaya can’t imagine he would have any reason to do so. At the very least, Izaya’s sure Shizuo would have wanted to apologize. He hadn’t meant to hurt the Raven, it had been an accident and Izaya really had been egging him on.

If anything, it’s Izaya who needs to apologize.

“No, he didn’t,” Shinra responds, still looking at Izaya with worry, which irks him to be honest. Scratching the back of his head, the doctor quickly offers, “I can go get your things though, maybe you can call him.”

Izaya just sits in silence, his brows drawn together in thought.

Looking about helplessly, Shinra gets to his feet and mutters, “I’ll just get you your clothes then, shall I?” When there’s still no response, he puffs out a breath and hurries from the room.

Finally moving, Izaya turns in the direction of the door and feels a knot of unease curl in his stomach. He’s never been good with these things, close interpersonal relationships. So far he’d been managing this thing with Shizuo by not thinking too hard about it. If something happened between them, Izaya would have no way to solve the problem because he was making a point of ignoring any possible issue that came up. If something _is_ wrong...

But that’s silly. He’s not that hurt and they hadn’t even been fighting about something serious. Izaya doesn’t like to think that he might have taken his jokes too far and driven Shizuo away. After all, he’s quite content with the _thing_ they have. If Shizuo’s upset, Izaya doesn’t have a clue how he’s supposed to fix that. It had all just been a joke.

Settling his thoughts, Izaya assures himself it’s probably nothing and waits patiently for Shinra to return. He’ll call Shizuo, they’ll both apologize, and this will all blow over.

Using the time he has to its fullest, Izaya checks his wrist. It throbs when he tries to move it but he _can_ move it so it’ll heal. His side looks ugly, purplish yellow, standing out against his ivory skin. Izaya rubs it and winces in pain but he’s glad because he deserved worse and it isn’t that bad.

By the time Shinra returns with his things, Izaya’s already got his feet dangling off the edge of the bed, preparing to stand up and move around. The doctor sighs but doesn’t try to stop him, even when Izaya stumbles and almost falls on his face. Izaya’s determined and nothing Shinra says is going to make him listen. He’s had much worse after all.

“I’ve got your things,” Shinra intones, setting them on the now vacated bed. Izaya shifts through them and picks out his shirt and jeans so he can start to change out of the hospital clothes Shinra had dressed him in. It doesn’t really bother him that Shinra’s still in the room, the doctor has been treating him for years, Izaya’s a little past the point of embarrassment.

“You should be fine to go home,” Shinra continues, still frowning slightly. “Just keep that brace on your wrist until I say otherwise.” When Izaya glances back at him, Shinra scowls and insists, “I mean it Izaya, you’re always so stupid when you get hurt. Just put up with it, okay?”

“Fine,” Izaya mutters, picking up the several different phones and his apartment keys, all of which had been in his pockets beforehand. He notes his coat on the bed as well and turns to Shinra in puzzlement.

“Shizuo-san brought it,” Shinra explains with a shrug. Izaya puffs out a small laugh and shakes his head as he slips the coat on regardless.

“Well, I must give the idiot credit, at least he thought ahead,” Izaya mutters, slipping his phones and other paraphernalia into his pockets before twirling about once to make sure he hasn’t missed anything. Bowing to Shinra playfully, he says, “Thank you so much for waking up at an ungodly hour for me Shinra, I’ll try to get hurt at a more reasonable hour next time.”

Shinra smiles thinly before his expression falters and falls back to a worried look. Frowning as well, Izaya tilts his head and asks, “Is there something else Shinra?”

Starting, Shinra looks up and opens his mouth abruptly, as if to say something, before shutting it again. Shaking his head, the doctor mutters, “It’s probably nothing big, it’s just…” He takes a deep breath. “Shizuo-san seemed off when he was here. Like… upset I guess.” He waves away his own words with a half laugh. “It’s probably nothing, he was probably just concerned about you or something, I’m making trouble where it doesn’t exist.”

Izaya raises an eyebrow but doesn’t refute the doctor.

“Well, I suppose you should be going then.” Shinra gets to his feet and smiles. “Have a good day Izaya.”

He leaves then, hurrying outside to the streets, glad that Shizuo thought to bring his coat. The moment Izaya has his bearings, he pulls out one of his phones, deciding that now is as good a time as ever to call Shizuo. The sooner the better really, Izaya doesn’t want the idiot to take his silence to mean he’s upset. That would just cause unnecessary drama.

He’s about to dial the beast’s number -he memorized it a while ago- when the new message icon catches his attention. Sighing, Izaya flicks it open and starts to skim it, assuming it’s got to do with work or something else he can put off till later.

It’s only when his eyes find the words _I’m sorry_ , that he stops and checks the I.D. Shizuo’s name blinks at him and instantly Izaya’s eyes shoot back to the beginning, now taking in the words he’s reading.

_Izaya,_

_I’m not sure when you’re going to wake up or get this. I hope it’s soon._

_Please, don’t try to contact me again. After what happened last night, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I hurt you, and I’ll probably end up doing it again. That’s why I think we should stop this thing now. Before I do something to you that doesn’t heal._

_I’m sorry if I caused you pain,_

_Shizuo_

Biting his lip hard, Izaya takes a very slow, very shaky breath. So this is it, Shizuo's just… ending it, whatever _it_ is. He’s afraid of hurting Izaya, so he’s just leaving him entirely. It makes sense, in a horribly selfish way.

And it hurts, it hurts a lot, though Izaya can’t fathom why.

 _If he honestly doesn’t want me to talk to him…_ Well, then Izaya supposes he won’t bother him with the unwanted questions he wants to be answered. He wants to, he wants to call Shizuo so badly it hurts, but for the life of him, Izaya can’t think of what he would even say to convince him not to leave. It’s not as if they have anything, it’s not as if they’re in love, right? Swallowing hard, trying to get his heart to return to his chest where it belongs, he hovers his finger over the delete button and with great trepidation, presses it.

The message vanishes, but Izaya can’t dispel the words it contained from his mind. His chest twinges and all he can think is that he’s not even bruised there. Closing his eyes for a second, Izaya collects himself and walks forward, just putting one foot in front of the other and nothing more.

Even though it hurts, Izaya resolutely shoves his phone back into his pocket and pulls up his hood. It’s just Shizuo, he's just a stupid beast. If he’s so convinced he’s going to hurt Izaya, then he can leave. Izaya won’t try to stop him. He’s never been good with relationships after all and this, apparently, is no different. Shizuo’s right when he says it’s probably best to let it go now.

It’s almost simple.

Somewhere though, in the back of his mind, Izaya knows that while his head, wrist and back all ache, the real pain is in his heart.

Maybe Shizuo had a point in saying he’d do something to Izaya that never heals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT ONLY GETS WORSE
> 
> but then it gets better, eventually. Light at the end of the tunnel, I promise it's there.


	7. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just because one has a phone doesn’t mean one has the courage to use it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter (because why not).  
> More angst (because plot).  
> Oh, how I love angst.  
> Enjoy

It’s never a good sign when you’re counting. It implies waiting for something.

It’s been three weeks and six days. It _doesn’t_ hurt.

Then again, he’d sort of just expected Izaya to call. Because there’s no way that he would just let Shizuo go, just let everything fall apart. But he did.

And he still is.

Shizuo’s fingers curl around the rim of his bottle of milk, straining the glass. He can feel it almost bending beneath his relatively light grip. It’s eleven at night, he should be asleep. Hell, he shouldn’t be still dressed in his work clothes, he should be okay by now. He shouldn’t feel so fucking miserable.

 _You did the right thing, the_ right _thing. For Izaya, for yourself, for everyone._

A month, he’s almost made it a month without seeing Izaya. Without caving. He doesn’t even know why he wants to go back, he just does. Shizuo wishes that he’d had something with Izaya to hold on to, something more tangible than whispered promises he always broke. Now he’s here, back in his cold living room, alone.

They never had anything to hold on to, just something they could never name. The same something that makes his heart feel too small, too cold. In pain like a snake is squeezing it tight.

He used to be satisfied with this, just a cigarette and his own company when the nights drew out and everything was quiet. Then Izaya stumbled into his life in a new way, not with knives flashing and words cutting, but with glassy eyes and a bottle of sake clutched in his hand. He hadn’t snuck into Shizuo’s mind with his clever speech and narrowed eyes, he’d crashed into Shizuo’s heart and hadn’t let the man shake him away.

Compulsively, Shizuo glances at the phone. It sits there, ever silent. Not a single text from Izaya, not a call. Really, he’s not sure what he expected. Why did he ever think that Izaya would miss him? Why was he so conceited to think that the raven-haired man would want him to stick around. After what he did, after how badly he fucked up…

The image of Izaya’s body, limp and unconscious, still burned into his head.

Shizuo can’t help but relive that day, the anger already in his blood, not an excuse, just a fact. It had been over something stupid, a few words that hadn’t sat right with him. From Celty of all people, so innocent yet they had worked their way under his skin like nothing else could.

_[I still can’t believe Izaya would genuinely choose to be around you.]_

He had known, deep down, that Celty had been just throwing around words. She hadn’t meant them in any way other than a ponderous comment. But Shizuo had seen something else. He’d seen his own inadequacy.

And it had pissed him off because he’d been doing his best not to hurt Izaya. He’d been doing better, only broken a few things, hadn’t physically hurt Izaya once in two weeks. Shizuo would get pissed, beyond pissed, but Izaya hadn’t been left bleeding and bruised so it had all been okay.

But this one comment had ruined it.

Izaya, with all his infuriating and treacherous personality traits, had thought teasing Shizuo about it would be a great idea. Every word biting because part of Shizuo had believed them, still believes them if this forced separation is any indication. The Flea had just kept on making it worse. And that creep of red at the corners of Shizuo’s vision had started coming back. The rage obscuring all his reasons for treating Izaya right.

This time it hadn’t been one of Izaya’s secretary's many binders. It hadn’t been a half-full bottle of milk or a cold cup of coffee left behind by one of Izaya’s clients. It hadn’t been a chair or even a table.

No, it had been Izaya. The man had just gotten too close, and Shizuo hadn’t been able to see through the red or hear past the rushing in his ears. In that moment, he’d lost it. His hand had shot out, knocking the man away from him.

Except he was Shizuo Heiwajima and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d hit someone lightly.

Izaya had gone flying, sailing across the room. It had been as if time slowed, letting Shizuo see what was about to happen while at the same time keeping him from preventing it. He’d watched as Izaya twisted in mid-air, throwing a hand out as if to stop himself. What Shizuo remembered most vividly was the look of fear on Izaya’s face as he hurtled towards his extremely sturdy desk.

The Raven’s wrist had bent at an odd angle as his head slammed into the corner of the desk before the rest of him caught up and careened into the hardwood. The sound of a sickening crack, Izaya’s body falling limply to the ground as time snapped forward, throwing Shizuo back into the present.

For a terrible moment, in the seconds it took for him to get to Izaya, Shizuo had thought, no, _known,_ that he’d killed the man at last and he’d felt true fear course through his body. Then he’d picked the man up, cradled him in his arms, and found the pulse. Blood had stained the front of Shizuo’s shirt as he’d gently held Izaya close, fear and self-loathing still filling him.

Almost killed him, almost snuffed out the surprisingly fragile light that was Izaya Orihara.

Then and there, he’d realized that enough was enough, if he didn’t leave, he was going to end up killing Izaya. Once upon a time, he wouldn’t have cared, now, it was the most terrifying thought in the world. At least if he was gone, Shizuo had reasoned, at least then Izaya would be okay. Alone but alive.

He hadn’t realized how much it would hurt, he hadn’t fully understood how much he cared about the space in his life that had become entirely Izaya. Not until it was gone, not until he was forced to spend every night alone, wishing he hadn’t fucked it all up so badly.

Except that part of him had expected for the phone to ring. The day it happened when Shinra had called to tell him that Izaya had asked after him, seemed worried about him, Shizuo had expected Izaya to call, text, _something._ But he hadn’t heard a word. Nothing. So Shizuo had decided that Izaya was probably still pissed at him. Rightly so, he deserved a lot worse.

But then the second day had come with no word. Then the third. By the fourth, it had started to sink in. Izaya was done with him, Shizuo had screwed up, left, and Izaya didn’t want him back. Perfectly reasonable, hell, he’d _asked_ for it, but it hurt.

It hurts a lot.

Fumbling with his pack, Shizuo manages to fish out a cigarette and hold it between his lips while he lights up. The nicotine does nothing to help him, it just makes everything hazy, distorted.

Honestly, he doesn’t know why he keeps waiting, doesn’t know why he still stares at his phone, praying for Izaya to call. Why bother, the man is clearly done with him.

And rightly so. Shizuo almost killed him. Going back would be signing Izaya’s death warrant. He can’t keep his temper in check, he can’t control himself. He’s tried, attempted everything short of medication but nothing helps and pills are only so good until his freak-like body builds up a tolerance and he loses it again.

If Izaya happens to be in the crosshairs, Shizuo shudders to think about what might happen. Except he knows, he knows he’s going to run over to another unconscious body, but this time, he’s not going to find a pulse. He’ll be trying to staunch the blood but it won’t be the torn hem of his shirt over a shallow gash, it’ll be and arm or a leg, twisted and mangled into a shape that’s completely unrecognizable. It’ll be worse and he won’t be able to do anything about it.

But he doesn’t want to just forget, he wishes he had the guts to call Izaya. Shizuo knows that Izaya won’t answer, he doesn’t care. If he ever did, he’s moved on. _That’s fine, I don’t fault him for that. I’m the one who almost killed him. I’m the one-_

Taking a long drag, Shizuo blows out a stream of smoke and forces himself to focus on the TV. It drones on, boring, unintelligible. _I’m going to forget, I’m going to let this go._ It’s his constant mantra, ever-present refrain but it’s a lie. Deep down, it always will be.

Another glance at the phone, another wish that he’d done something, _anything_ different. Another with that Izaya wouldn’t have forgotten him so soon. Another prayer that he’s happy without Shizuo around.

 _Of course he is, why shouldn’t he be?_ Images of Izaya’s bright eyes and mischievous smile flash through his mind. Frustrated with himself, Shizuo glares at the floor, wishing he could just get over it.

_Forever? Until it really is a good thing?_

He feels like tearing out his hair.

Shizuo hardly thinks as he almost knocks his coffee table over lunging for his phone. _I want to call him, I want this stupid thing to be over._ But he can’t do that, he can’t call. There is one thing he can do, however, one thing that’ll at least make this more final.

 _What would I even say to him?_ Shizuo thinks bitterly as his fingers fumble with the tiny screen. _What did I even want from that not-a-relationship anyway?_ Hadn’t they always repeated that they didn’t know what it was? Hadn’t they always said the words over and over again? If he could say one thing to Izaya, what would it be?

_Hey Izaya,_

He searches through his short list of contacts for Izaya’s number. Still labeled Flea because he hadn’t been able to think of anything better to write down at the time and it had fit.

_I’m sorry I’m violent and dangerous. I’m sorry I hurt you when I blow up._

Finding it, he brings it up. Izaya had imputed most of the information. Including a stupid-ass picture of himself grinning at the camera. Looking happy, genuinely joyful to be where he was. With Shizuo, not a care in the fucking world.

_I really care about you Izaya. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, I just do._

Scrolling down, he finds what he’s looking for. He grits his teeth around his cigarette, trying to push the pain down. _It’s not going to change anything, it’s all over anyway, just get it over with._ Pressing the button, Shizuo waits.

_I don’t deserve anything, you deserve much better than me._

A message flashes on his screen, forcing him to make the same decision again.

_But give me a chance to stand by your side Izaya, please._

[Are you sure you wish to DELETE this number?]

_Let me figure out why being around you makes me feel so fucking happy._

His finger hovers over the _yes_ button, his heart thuds painfully in his chest.

_And why being away from you hurts so much._

Shizuo swallows hard, hating this, hating everything. Hating himself for being such a coward. _If the number’s gone, I can start to forget._ But forgetting is impossible, how can Shizuo forget something so _good?_

_Stay with me Izaya, give me another shot at making this something worth keeping._

_Please._

Suddenly, his phone rings.

Almost dropping the device, Shizuo squints at the screen and feels his heart leap uncomfortably. Fear, apprehension, hope, _emotion,_ it all crowds at the back of his throat as he stares at the name. _Flea._

Izaya, calling him.

He wishes he could say that he had to think about it, wishes he could say it wasn’t an easy choice but that would be a lie. Instantly, Shizuo picks up.

“I-Izaya?” he croaks, staring sightlessly at the wall, waiting breathlessly for a response. Just the sound of his voice through the tiny receiver. _I’m obsessed, I’m crazy._

_I’m not going to make the same mistakes again._

_“Shizu-chan,”_ Izaya’s voice is flat, tired. Through his overwhelming relief, Shizuo feels a prickling at the base of his skull. Something about Izaya’s tone is off, wrong. Before he can ask, however, Izaya cuts him off.

_“Isn’t the moon beautiful tonight?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, oh if only you knew what I had planned for next chapter, all those little hopes you have would die at once. DIE I TELL YOU, DIE!!!  
> Sorry, I'm off my meds...


	8. High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He never intended to jump, he just needed to prove a point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But like, never write something at 11:00 at night, you'll probably die.
> 
> Somehow, I'm absolutely predictable and everyone basically knew how this chapter was going to go so I dunno.  
> Enjoy anyway, people.

The night air is cold.

The wind blows through Izaya’s hair as he swings his feet aimlessly, staring out over the dimming city lights of Shinjuku. Ikebukuro is still alive, he can see it on the horizon, a bright dot in a sea of black. His district, however, is dying as businesses close for the night and offices clock out. It’s nearly peaceful.

Almost something.

Wiggling a bit, Izaya leans against the safety rail that encircles the top of his apartment complex and relaxes slightly. The ground below is a distant smudge of darkness, broken up only by the car headlights that occasionally rush past. No one sees him, or if they do, they expect him to be here. This is just another night in a string of them spent on the wrong side of the guard rail, high above the world, perched on the edge of falling off.

It’s nothing special. He’s got nothing special to say about it.

Except for the phone clutched tightly between his fingers.

For the first time in three weeks and six days, the hurricane inside Izaya is quiet. His heart, which has been twisting painfully since he opened that text, is calm. Cold. Empty. _Dead._ It’s not a good feeling, it’s not any feeling at all. It’s exhaustion and it’s hopelessness. It’s the wish that the next day would never come.

Resigned, Izaya sighs, staring up at the sky. The same three questions run through his head, like a record, caught on repeat.

_Why did you leave?_

Because he cared.

_Why haven’t you called?_

Because he’s stronger than Izaya.

_Why does it hurt?_

Because… Because.

The moon shines on him, illuminating his tired, expressionless face. All Izaya can see is Shizuo, a smile, the glimmer of something in his eyes, the promise that the Raven’s life didn’t have to be so lonely. A chance that maybe he could have something good.

However flawed Shizuo is, Izaya knows the beast is better than he’ll ever deserve.

Taking his eyes off the sky, Izaya stares at his phone. A part of him wants to drop it off the side of the building, let it smash to the ground into fragments that can never be repaired. Another part of him wants to join it. Just get it over with already.

Because that’s where he’d been that night, drunk and helpless, knocking on Shizuo’s door. He’d been on the edge, ready to fall off. Izaya hadn’t cared if Shizuo killed him, he hadn’t even cared if he was murdered along the way, he’d just wanted it to be over. It’s taken these past few weeks to realize that, realize how far he’d fallen.

Now he’s back to where he started, a little more sober, a little more lost. A little more ready for the pain to be over.

_Do you think I care if you kill me Shizu-chan? Do you think I’d stick with you if that were true? Why do I stick around, Shizu-chan? It’s because you’re the only one who makes me care about anything at all._

A little at a time, he’s falling. Metaphorically, literally, emotionally, mentally.

And now physically.

Glancing back up at the sky, Izaya wonders if Shizuo has even given him a second thought. _Am I worth that? Aren’t I just trouble, it’s my fault he loses it. I know what sets him off, I do it anyway. It’s self-destructive Shizu-chan, don’t you get it? I don’t care about myself._

_I just care about you._

So so unhealthy.

Worthless. An empty shell.

The void beneath him is tempting. So easy, so simple. Practically painless.

In his hands, the phone feels like a dead-weight.

Smoothly, he opens it, looks at the screen. Eleven at night. Too late, much too late to do anything. _I wonder if he can sleep? Sleep, even though I can’t._ When was the last time he slept? Last week? Two weeks ago?

How many nights has he spent up here, getting a little closer to the edge each time?

For what? Why?

But there’s another question that sits at the back of his mind, one that’s almost more important than the first. What kept him from jumping before?

Shizuo. Always Shizuo.

And something clicks. Just sort of slides into place in Izaya’s mind. He’s not even fully conscious of it, doesn’t know what that flicker in the back of his head means, but he knows nonetheless. As he clicks on contacts and scrolls through them to find the one he’s affectionately labeled _Shizu-chan,_ he somehow understands why.

Doesn’t even think as he does what he’s been avoiding this entire month while he pretends that he doesn’t care, that it doesn’t hurt, that his life isn’t falling apart.

He presses call and lifts the phone to his ear.

The moon reflects in the Raven’s eyes. Round, pale, glowing. Almost golden, almost like Shizuo’s gaze.

The call is picked up, Izaya’s stomach tries to flip but the feeling is smothered under all the exhaustion. _What was I going to even say?_

 _“I-Izaya?”_ It echoes through the connection like a rasp. Izaya wonders if he woke the monster up. He wonders if, like him, Shizuo was already up.

“Shizu-chan,” he murmurs, eyes fixed on Ikebukuro, not really seeing it at all, only seeing Shizuo, only hearing the words _I kind of like you._ The words slip out of his mouth like he’d planned on saying them the entire time.

“Isn’t the moon beautiful tonight?”

But he isn’t talking about the moon. Not really.

 _“Izaya, are you-”_ Shizuo starts to ask, his tone worried. So familiar, warm and solid like he is. A foundation when Izaya feels like falling apart.

Izaya interrupts him anyway. “It’s really cold up here Shizu-chan, but I can see everything. It all looks so dead.” The wind blows through his hair again, sending a chill down his back. He can’t keep himself from adding, “I feel dead too Shizu-chan. Always have, always will.”

There’s indistinct rustling on the other end of the line. _“What the hell are you talking about Izaya? Where are you? What’s going on?”_ Oh, he definitely sounds panicked, fearful. Izaya wishes he remembered what that was like. _He’s worried about me, he still cares._ But that meant nothing if he played these stupid games, running away so he could claim to be doing the right thing.

 _The one wound that could never heal._ “Nothing’s going on,” Izaya whispers, breath fogging up the screen of his phone. “I’m on the roof of my apartment building Shizu-chan.” Glancing down again, he softly says, “The world looks so small from up here.”

A soft curse. _“Izaya, get down from there. Are you trying to kill yourself?”_ Hah, how accurate. Maybe Izaya shouldn’t call Shizuo stupid so often, clearly, he’s smarter than either of them gave him credit for. _“Don’t fucking- You’re not allowed to do this Flea!”_

“Do what?” Izaya breathes, eyes unfocused. “I like it up here, it makes it feel better.” There’s something in his eyes, Izaya stares at the sky, wishing he could reclaim that feeling of intense calm that just decided to leave him. _It hurts. I’m tired of it hurting._

More sounds on the other end. Cars, Izaya thinks. _“Just don’t you fucking move Izaya, don’t do this to me.”_ He sounds so scared, Izaya doesn’t quite understand why. _Why are you scared, why now? Why not yesterday? Why not any of the other days I’ve sat up here, wishing the wind would tip me off the edge?_

“Do what to you Shizu-chan?” Izaya’s voice finally takes on a bit of emotion. He sounds bitter, frustrated even though he only feels twisting pain. “Leave, just like you did?” There aren’t any stars in the sky, the lights of Tokyo have blotted them out. “Hurt you maybe?”

 _“I’m sorry okay, I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I keep hurting you.”_ Shizuo’s words are slightly short like he’s breathing heavily. _“I’m sorry I can’t keep my temper in check, I’m sorry I do shit like that to you when you don’t deserve it, any of it. I’m sorry.”_ Ah, they’re both talking about different things, ne?

Shutting his eyes tightly, Izaya murmurs, “The moon is beautiful Shizu-chan, can you see it?” He ignores the feeling of something sliding down his cheeks, pretends it's raining, even though there’s not a cloud in the sky. “It’s such a clear night,” he continues, smiling faintly. “You can see forever.”

 _“Fuck, Izaya!”_ Shizuo sounds desperate, Izaya wonders where he is. _“Please-”_ Stopping unexpectedly, he spends a second floundering for words. _“Yes, I can see the moon. It’s there where it’s always been. Just don’t fucking-”_

“Why are you scared?” Izaya asks, finally opening his eyes, weaving his fingers into the guardrail at his back and using it to stand up slowly. His legs feel weak, shaky but he stands on them anyway, forcing them to comply. “Why are you pretending to care?” The horizon doesn’t seem so distant right now, almost like he could touch it if he reached out.

 _“I’m not pretending!”_ Shizuo roars, anger and fear battling for dominance in his voice. _“I fucking care about you okay, I don’t want you to die. Get off the edge Izaya, don’t do this.”_ Who’d have thought Shizuo of all people would be trying to talk Izaya down from the edge. Not Izaya, he’d sort of just assumed Shizuo would let him fall.

His free hand clenches around the railing, the tips of his shoes stick out over the edge of the roof. Closing his eyes again, pressing all the resentment, pain, _feeling_ to the back of his mind, Izaya says, “I’m out here every night Shizu-chan, what makes you think you can stop me?” Ever so slowly, he lets go of the railing. The wind makes him sway but he doesn’t fall, he’s too good at this to fall. “Why would you even bother?”

 _“Because you’re about to jump Izaya and I- I can’t- Just fucking don’t, okay?!”_ Izaya’s eyes fall to the ground, watches as the pavement below swims in his vision. He’s just so tired, he just wants this to be over. _What has this last half-year been anyway Shizu-chan? A bit of hope before it’s cruelly dashed to pieces?_

“The moon…” he mutters, eyes fixed not on the sky, but on the street, where he can see fuzzy shapes moving around. His hand that holds the phone slips back to his side. Dimly, he can make out Shizuo’s shouts of panic, but he ignores them, just hangs up before slipping the phone into his pocket and staring out at the world.

He knows why it hurts, not consciously maybe, but he knows.

The tears keep falling down his face, sparkling as they plummet to the world below.

_Hey, Shizu-chan._

Izaya’s so close to what he’s been working towards since the beginning. Shizuo had been his one chance to get out, but he’d lost it, hadn’t he? This is just the inevitable conclusion.

_I know that everything sucks when we’re around each other. I know we spend half our time making each other miserable._

The wind caresses his cheek like the brush of fingers against his skin. Almost like it’s beckoning him forward, pulling him towards the end. _Remember when there was still something holding me back?_ But he can’t. All he can think about is the ringing in his ears and the twinkling lights beneath him.

_You’ve always been there, even when I’m alone and cold. Even when I don’t understand why I’m bothering anymore._

Every inch, every tear. Izaya feels his phone vibrate in his pocket but he ignores it.

_I wish I was a better person, I wish I could be worth your time._

Beneath him, he swears he sees someone running, darting towards his apartment building but he blinks and they vanish. It’s all wishful thinking, stupid, he’s just being stupid.

_I don’t want to keep doing this but if you stretch out a hand, I’ll take it._

It’s so late but all he feels is adrenaline, reminding him of Shizuo, reminding him of what managed to slip through his fingers.

_Give me time to understand myself,_

There’s thudding behind him, but it has to be his imagination, it can’t possibly be real.

_So I can finally understand why I need you._

Izaya thinks back, remembers a single moment in time. Shizuo’s fingers in his hair, his head tucked into the man’s shoulder. The TV on in the background, cigarette smoke hanging in the air. That, he’s nearly certain, is happiness. If he could get it back, he’d do anything.

_Just pretend for a second that everything is okay, long enough for it to be okay._

_Please._

The door behind him bangs open.

“IZAYA!” Shizuo’s voice booms behind him, afraid, furious. “What the hell are you doing?!”

Neatly, Izaya spins on his heels, turning so he can stare at Shizuo. His hands are in his pockets still, his feet are firmly planted on the edge, just a step away from falling. Softly, Izaya whispers, “Why did you leave Shizu-chan?”

Shizuo’s frustration intensifies, so too does his desperation. “I didn’t want to hurt you Izaya. If I had stayed, I’d have killed you eventually.” He means the words, believes them with every bit of his heart. _Stop this nonsense._

“You can’t kill me Shizu-chan,” Izaya answers, eyes locking with golden emotion. He sees in them pain, hurt, regret, reluctance. Has the past month been torture for Shizuo as well? Is there anything left for them to fix?

Shizuo’s hands ball into fists. “Yes you can Flea, you can fucking die. I nearly killed you, just by losing my temper.” There is so much overwhelming regret, terror in those words. “You aren’t a fucking god, I can kill you if I’m not careful. Being around me isn’t safe, don’t you get it?” It makes so much sense, but Izaya’s tired of Shizuo making sense.

Throwing out his arms, not caring when it makes him wobble unsteadily in the wind, Izaya wildly calls back, “Look at me Shizu-chan!” The tears are still there, making it hard to see Shizuo’s expression. He does notice the way the man lunges forward however as if scared he’s going to fall. “There are a million things that can kill me! If I fall off this building, I’ll die. Someone could shoot me and I’d die. You aren’t going to kill me. You’re not that lucky.”

Manic smile stretching his mouth Izaya continues, “I can’t do this without you. I’m sick and tired of pretending to live. When I came to you that night, I wanted to die.” Shizuo’s eyes widen but Izaya ignores him. “Tonight, I’m just tired Shizu-chan. I just want you to stop running away from me.”

For a long moment, the blond doesn’t speak, just stares at the ground, conflicting emotions playing out over his face. Air flows between Izaya’s fingers, making him sway slightly, feel like a bird about to take flight. It would be so easy to tip back and just fall, but he doesn’t want to anymore. Not really.

“What if I hurt you?” Shizuo says softly, voice thick with fear.

“I don’t care,” Izaya answers, his expression fading to a bitter smile. “I never have.”

Tentatively, nervously even, Shizuo looks up at Izaya, eyes clear, gaze steady. Izaya doesn’t waver, just stands there with his arms outstretched. _You can’t do anything worse than what I can do to myself Shizu-chan,  you’re a monster, but you’re not enough of one to kill me._

Very quietly, Shizuo murmurs, “Hey Izaya.” Izaya wonders if it’s possible to get lost in someone’s eyes, questions whether one look alone can change everything. Shizuo seems to be struggling with the words, but Izaya waits. He gets it, or rather, he doesn’t know what to say in exactly the same way.

“The moon is beautiful.”

But he's staring right at Izaya.

So careful, so uncertain.

Izaya closes his eyes, smiles, and answers back, “I can die happy now.”

Shizuo’s hands close around his shoulders and the Raven lets the man tug him back to safety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's like... Almost cute?  
> Hah, that was fun. I like angst.  
> Okay, back to fluff, I'm sure we've all had quite enough pain and suffering for now.


	9. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A part of him never expected to wake up, but somehow, he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm off back to home. Much fun, such wow.  
> At least school is over. Hopefully, I'll still be able to keep up this highly satisfying update schedule.
> 
> Regardless, enjoy!

Izaya wakes up warm.

Actually, the fact that he wakes up at all is startling. A certain part of him is wondering if he’s dead because that’s certainly where he’d been heading last night. He can still feel the breeze blowing through his fingers, the words  _ just another one of those nights, _ and the phone, heavy in his hand.

Then the light in the darkness.

Shizuo, his expression, his words, his eyes. Everything, culminating in that moment. All the pain, all the regret, all the self-hatred, poured into one second. Given to another being, like a curse and a gift.

Trust. 

_ Desperation. _

Hope.

Part of Izaya is acutely aware of the slow rise and fall beneath him, the heavy, comforting weight keeping him from moving. He’s so used to being cold, the sensation is strange, almost disconcerting, but it’s too good to even pretend it’s something distasteful. Part of him knows exactly what, or who, it is, the rest of him stupidly wonders what’s going on.

Beneath him, Shizuo shifts. Pulls him closer. Izaya spends a moment listening to the beast’s heartbeat. It thuds in his ear, steady, just like Shizuo himself. 

_ Is this what we’re becoming? _

The hand pressed to his back shifts, brushing over the bare skin of his neck, sending shivers through Izaya. It’s pleasant, he  _ likes  _ it. He’s not sure what to make of it.

_ Something almost normal, almost good? _

Thinking back to the night before, Izaya recalls the moments after Shizuo pulled him off the edge. The crushing embrace Shizuo had locked him in, silently demanding him never to do similar again, begging him to not hurt himself, confirming that Izaya was actually alright. Izaya hadn’t been ashamed of the tears falling down his face, hadn’t bothered to wipe them away, he’d just let Shizuo mutter nonsensically into his ear. Promises and apologies mixing together into one fervent prayer.

_ I thought you were going to jump. _

Shizuo hadn’t said the words very loudly, no more than a whisper. Furtive, like he had been unsure whether or not he was crossing a line. Izaya had acknowledged his words with the barest of nods.

_ I was. _

Everything else had faded away as Shizuo pulled back to stare at him, eyes still flickering with his remaining fear. The silent question if he’s going to do it again, burning deep under everything else. It’s the same reason Izaya never told anyone about it, the same reason he’s suffered in silence for so long. That suspicion that never goes away, he hadn’t wanted to face it.

It hurt coming from Shizuo.

But then it had cleared, replaced with something certain.

_ But you won’t again. _

It hadn’t been a question, it had been a statement spoken with absolute certainty. Such conviction, the kind Izaya had never possessed. That had been what Shizuo had felt when he looked at the Raven. Not mistrust, not anymore.

Just a soft sort of tenderness. Trust.

_ No. _

Izaya had felt so small, that close to Shizuo. A monster of mythical proportions, cradling him as close as was physically possible. Waves of relief poured off of Shizuo, a feeling which managed to affect Izaya as well, seeping into his skin, calming him for real, not just throwing a band-aid over a wound. How long had they been up there? Hours? Days? Minutes? Seconds?

Years?

_ You’re tired. _

But it had been Shizuo who sounded truly tired.

_ Yes. _

Because Izaya had been worn to the bone by everything and with Shizuo, it felt better.

_ We should- You should get back to your apartment. I don’t like it up here. _

How awkward Shizuo had managed to sound, even after everything. Just like a child. But he’d been the one to tug Izaya forward and carefully pick him up when the Raven’s legs had given way beneath him. Shizuo’s arms were warm, Izaya was cold.

The blond hadn’t minded when he curled closer.

Izaya had left his apartment door open, a good thing because he didn’t have the key and neither did Shizuo. He’d worried for his door when Shizuo kicked it closed but all that had happened was a few flakes of plaster came dislodged.  _ Too strong for his own good, ne? _ Izaya had thought, smiling faintly against Shizuo’s shoulder.

The feeling of the man walking up Izaya’s stairs had echoed through Izaya’s body, almost like another heartbeat, just a little comforting in its familiarity. His room, usually so dark and empty, had felt filled by Shizuo’s presence. Whole, where it had always felt wrong before.

_ I should leave. _

But Shizuo had just stood there in the middle of Izaya’s bedroom, staring at the window to the right of Izaya’s bed at the dark sky outside. Heart twinging at the idea, Izaya had wriggled out of Shizuo’s arms, glad to have his feet back under him. Shedding his coat, the Raven had padded over to his bed and sat down, eyes fixed on Shizuo.

Shizuo had stared down at him longingly like if he could, he’d speak his mind. Like if this weren’t so fragile, he’d do something to make things right. But Izaya was tired of it, tired of the stupid rules that said they couldn’t get too close. It’s what had dragged them apart before and Izaya wasn’t about to let it happen again.

But how could he cross that line?

_ I’ll see you soon, _ is what he’d almost said, because, in the end, Izaya had always been a coward.

_ Stay. _

That’s what he’d whispered instead. Because he didn’t want the man to leave, he was sick of Shizuo not being there. It was unhealthy, this need that pulled him towards the blond, twisted and dirty and malformed. But it was there, Izaya had known it. Hadn’t bothered to fight it.

_ Stay with me Shizu-chan. _

_ Fine. _

And he had stayed, let Izaya curl up on top of him without so much as a word of complaint. For the first time in forever, Izaya had felt safe. The world couldn’t hurt him, his own fears couldn’t touch him. All his masks dropped as he’d laid there, silent and still. Just tangling his legs with Shizuo’s and listening to his soft, steady breathing.

_ How close is too close? _ He’d wondered, inhaling that scent of cigarette smoke that was so familiar to him, like a drug dragging him into a stupor of sorts. Izaya had flinched when he’d felt the heavy weight of Shizuo’s hand stroking his hair but after a moment he leaned into it. After a month of not having any contact at all, he welcomed every bit of touch.

_ I’m not a cat. _

He’d mumbled it, under his breath, clearly unserious. Just making noise because the silence had been thick. Shizuo had snorted.

_ Go to sleep Izaya. _

There had been no reason to argue. The Raven had simply let his eyes flutter closed, welcoming the waves of sleepiness that washed over him, held back for too long. It had taken mere moments for him to fall asleep, comfortable in Shizuo’s hold.

_ Remember when we said we didn’t know what we had? _ Izaya thinks as he shifts again so he can look at the calm face of Shizuo, still caught in sleep.  _ I think I know. Do either of us have the courage to say it out loud though or are we both just cowards? _

Suddenly, one of Shizuo’s eyes cracks open and there’s no way for Izaya to pretend he wasn’t staring, wasn’t caught looking at the man like the sun revolved around him. It’s too late of course, he’s trapped instantly in the swirling molten gold that watches him. Everything else ceases to matter as Shizuo shifts and smiles faintly.

The smile is… kind. Tender, caring.

_ You know what it is, say it. Think it. _

Face flushing, Izaya mumbles something incoherently, struggling to move away from the man he’d fallen asleep on so easily the night before. He’s not used to such close contact, Izaya can’t remember the last time he let anyone get this close. But then, Shizuo’s always been the exception.

The one who lets him forget, the one who makes him feel, the one who reminds him to care. The good thing in a storm of terrible. A shining beacon in a sea of darkness.

Gently, Shizuo pulls him closer, rolling over so he can curl around Izaya tenderly, caging him in, keeping him from running. It’s probably a good thing because Izaya’s unsure what he’s supposed to do at all and running’s always worked pretty well for him before. But his heart keeps pounding, reminding him that he’s still breathing and it’s only because of Shizuo that that’s true.

So instead, Izaya just tucks his head into the pocket between Shizuo’s chin and collarbone and stills. He can’t think of anything to say or do that will make this any less new and terrifying but he likes the feeling of Shizuo’s hand softly brushing against his back, tickling the back of his neck. It reminds him that he’s able to feel at all and as long as Shizuo’s around, that’s not actually a bad thing.

“Hey,” Shizuo mumbles, an entirely asinine remark to make but Izaya feels his face growing warmer because the man’s voice echoes through his body as well, striking something deep inside of him. He’s never known a simple word that could feel so loaded as this one is at this moment. Izaya wonders if he’s the only one who feels poised on the edge of a razor, one wrong step from ruining something perfect.

_ Where do you keep your mouth shut? Where do you speak? _

“I’m sorry about last night.” It’s not what he wanted to come out of his mouth, Izaya feels like a fool for speaking at all.  _ Yes, this was definitely one of those mouth-closed moments. _ Yet even feeling like a fool, he doesn’t try to escape Shizuo’s hold.

“I’m not sorry about it,” Shizuo murmurs, arms tightening, pressing Izaya as close as he can. The Raven shivers as a thrill of feeling shoots through him at the words. “I’m not sorry about any of it.” The words ruffle the hair at the top of Izaya’s head, sending pleasant chills skittering through him. “I’d do it again if I had to.”

“You shouldn’t have had to do it at all,” Izaya mumbles, unable to keep his mouth shut. They’re both skirting around the word, they’re both skirting around the event. Izaya suspects that it’s going to be buried quickly, forgotten so they don’t have to face it. He doesn’t mind, thinking about it hurts.

_ You shouldn’t have had to keep me from killing myself. _

Because that’s what it had been, he couldn’t pretend forever.

“Yes I did,” Shizuo says fervently, pulling Izaya back so he can stare into the man’s crimson eyes. “I’m not just going to leave you when you’re in pain, I’m going to stick around Izaya. I promise.”

Izaya’s not sure what drives him forward, maybe madness, maybe the feelings he still can’t say aloud. Maybe Shizuo’s words, words he’s wanted to hear for his whole life. Maybe there’s another reason that can explain away his temporary insanity but in that moment, he doesn’t care. He just acts.

He just moves forward.

He just presses his mouth to Shizuo’s in a soft, tentative kiss, hoping he can convey the emotions swirling inside him with just that single action that he couldn’t say with a million words. For a moment, he half expects to be pushed away, what else does something like this deserve? But then Shizuo is kissing him back and Izaya realizes that he’s not the only one who doesn’t know how to say what they’re both thinking.

Breaking contact, Izaya stares in wonder at Shizuo. A moment passes in silence. Then two.

“Stay,” Izaya whispers, his eyes not tired, just calm. “I will if you do.”

Shizuo chuckles wryly at the meaning behind the words, but he pulls Izaya closer nonetheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So fluffy it'll rot your teeth.
> 
> Next chapter expect pure crack. Just pure unadulterated crack.


	10. Tenuous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're all betting something's gonna blow because this can't be normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, I've been writing so much fluff of late. Where's all the angst?
> 
> *plots deviously in the background on how to make everyone cry*
> 
> Sorry about updating The Users and The Used before this >.< I know I shouldn't have but it's just so gosh darn tempting!
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!

No one notices when the bell above the door at Russian Sushi rings. It’s a normal occurrence after all, entirely uninteresting.

Simon looks up however and opens his mouth to greet the fresh customers at which point he stops in favor of staring. Somehow noticing the lack of over enthusiastic Russian greetings, others start to look up and they too end up staring. Several start looking for exits, others shart wondering if there’s time to get to them.

Shizuo, naturally, is oblivious to all of this, but Izaya notices. In turn, Shizuo notices Izaya noticing and it’s only then that he looks around the small sushi shop. After being treated to one of Shizuo’s glares, the patrons all quickly look down and busy themselves with their meals.

Simon finally finds his voice.

“Shizu-o, Izaya, welcome! It has been long time, no?” 

Izaya, seemingly satisfied that the rest of the restaurant has busied themselves, gives the Russian man a slight, if conniving, smile. “Ah, Simon-san, how good to see you again.” It’s chilling, but the situation is more so.

Because Izaya and Shizuo are walking next to each other and Simon will swear on his grandmother’s grave that they’re holding hands. Whether or not it’s voluntary is still up for debate but for the time being, the restaurant is still standing and Simon for one would like to keep it that way.

Shaking himself from his momentary daze, Simon waves insistently at an empty booth. “Sit, yes? I bring drinks now.” Both men, who sit across from each other, nod but Simon can tell their attention is elsewhere.

“Everyone’s staring at us,” Shizuo says uncomfortably, eyes fixed on the table in front of Izaya, almost as if he’s wondering why he’s there at all. Usually, there would have been more noise to cover up individual conversations but right now, everyone but Izaya and Shizuo are speaking in hushed whispers.

The current vein of conversation is the pair and the bets being placed on how long this is going to last before something sets one of them off and Russian Sushi ends up in flames, ruins or somewhere in between. Izaya ignores this, he’s been getting better at ignoring what other people think when he’s around Shizuo.

The blond has never cared, but that’s just his nature.

“Clearly they're just jealous that I've managed to tame the monster of Ikebukuro,” Izaya says with a devious smirk. Lightly, he reaches across the table and ruffles Shizuo’s hair, almost as if he's a dog.

“Oi,” Shizuo grumbles, seemingly uninclined to remove Izaya’s hand by force. Nevertheless, the Raven backs off, still smiling.

Simon, nervous despite the fact he is one of the only people who could actually put a stop to any potential fight between the two, sets down two glasses of water in front of them and says haltingly, “You order now, yes?”

Izaya hums as if the question is a hard one. It isn’t of course, he always orders the same thing. “Otoro,” is what he happily requests, a wicked smile on his face. Simon pretends he doesn’t see the way the Raven’s foot playfully nudges Shizuo’s like it’s the most natural thing in the world. The blond’s face turns red and he shoots a look at Izaya that Simon would normally have interpreted as irritated but now, he’s willing to believe it’s grudgingly affectionate.

Taking his eyes off of Izaya for a moment, Shizuo scans the menu before ordering one of the newer types of sushi at random. This is, of course, equally as expected as Izaya ordering Otoro. For such volatile people, they are surprisingly patterned. 

As Simon leaves the table, he hears the quick conversation between the two men. 

“Do you always order the same thing?” Shizuo asks, miffed.

“Why not?” Izaya ripostes, tone light. “If I like it, why bother getting something else? What’s weird is you getting something different every time. I see that hasn’t changed since high school.” 

“I’d get tired of having the same thing over and over again,” Shizuo reasons.

“I hope that’s not a motto you live by.”

“Shut up Flea, you’re not sushi.”

Simon pretends like he hasn’t heard a word of it.

In the kitchen, Dennis is watching the two of them with the same amount of interest as everyone else, albeit at a safer distance. There’s a small, knowing smile on his weathered face that confuses Simon somewhat.

“Getting along,” Simon comments, brows furrowing deeply as he joins his old friend in watching Izaya and Shizuo laugh together at something one of them had said. “Is not weird?”

Dennis just chuckles and starts going about filling the order. “It was bound to happen sometime. I’m surprised it took them this long. You’d be surprised how little difference there is between hate and affection.”

This doesn’t make much sense, but Simon supposes that, if it means less destroyed property and flying trash cans, he’s prepared to accept it. That being said, he’s still unsure if it’s actually real because this all seems a little too good to be true.

Back in the main dining area, Izaya steals the lemon from Shizuo’s water with a mischievous smirk. Shizuo glances down at the man but doesn’t complain. He’s too busy watching Izaya’s bangs fall into his eyes as he sucks delightedly on his straw before sighing happily.

“I haven’t been here in a month,” Izaya says at length, the smile still high on his face. “But the water still tastes like fish and the bar still tilts to the side. Things really haven’t changed a bit, ne Shizu-chan?”

Glancing at the bar, which only tilts because he’d thrown Izaya against it once when they were younger, Shizuo grunts. “Place still smells like shit.”

Izaya purrs. “Ne, are you sure you’re not just smelling me Shizu-chan? You used to go on and on about my unpleasant odor after all.” He leans over his water glass and props his elbows on the table so he can stare up at Shizuo curiously.

“Heh, I’ve gotten used to your smell,” Shizuo admits, actually succeeding in making Izaya turn pink. “It’s not so bad now.” That’s what he says, but everyone knows he means, ‘I like it now’. Izaya knows it best of all.

“So that’s why you’re always sniffing me,” he comments, furrowing his brows in a way that Shizuo would describe as cute. “I don’t know Shizu-chan, that seems a bit fishy to me.” Izaya waits for a moment before realizing that he’s talking to Shizuo and therefore his witty puns are falling on deaf ears.

A few eavesdropping patrons hear, however, and they laugh. Izaya’s expression sours because he hates it when people try to nose their way into his business but the finger that pokes the tiny wrinkles between his furrowed brows distracts him entirely.

“Adorable,” Shizuo murmurs under his breath, probably unaware that he’s speaking aloud at all. Izaya’s face relaxes as his face heats up once more. Shizuo has the ability to do that to him and the Raven still can’t figure out how to control it or why it happens so frequently. He’d rather not look like a giddy school girl with her first boyfriend if it’s all the same to everyone.

“Don’t say strange things,” Izaya complains, swatting Shizuo’s hand away in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. “Whatever happened to  _ everyone is staring at us?” _ Shizuo shrugs and Izaya sighs in that sort of way that old married folks tend to sigh at each other. A little exasperated, but too invested to really care.

Or so he thinks.

“Sushi done now.” Simon is suddenly there with their order and the conversation is forgotten entirely as Izaya delightedly pulls over his plate of glistening tuna so he can stare at it excitedly. Shizuo just takes his meal with a straight face, once again finding himself more interested in Izaya than in his own matters. Even though he spends most days and almost every night with the man, Shizuo never seems to tire of watching Izaya’s ever exaggerated reactions to even the most mundane things.

“Ah, thank you Simon, it looks positively  _ divine.” _ Taking up the pair of chopsticks, Izaya pops a piece of sushi into his mouth and chews slowly as if savoring every bit. Noticing the look on Shizuo’s face as he watches the Raven eat, Simon quickly sidles away, deciding not to ask any further questions.

Shizuo’s just wondering if Izaya’s making those noises on purpose just to stir him up.

“Really, it’s been far too long since I’ve had Otoro,” Izaya confides, swallowing so he can talk to Shizuo. Waving his chopsticks pointedly, Izaya continues in an authoritative tone, “While it is true that the Otoro at other restaurants is better quality, there’s something about the way they make it here that just satisfies my cravings.”

Shizuo nods and finally remembers that he has his own sushi to consume. The piece he eats is sweet which delights him in its own right. 

“So unhealthy,” Izaya murmurs to no one in particular as he dangles another piece of sushi over his mouth. “So worth it.” He quickly darts his tongue out to catch the Otoro before drawing it into his mouth with a satisfied smile.

“Are you trying to stir me up?” Shizuo growls, though not in a threatening way.

“Is it working?” Izaya asks playfully from around his mouthful of raw fish and sticky white rice.

“Why don’t you tell me?” Shizuo retorts, raising an eyebrow at the cunning little shit he’s now allowed to call his boyfriend. “You’re the one who’s practically moaning over a piece of fucking sushi.”

“I would never,” Izaya says with mock offence while in reality teasingly running his foot along the side of Shizuo’s leg. It’s so strange, several people are rubbing their eyes repeatedly as if expecting it to be a dream. “Shizu-chan, you accuse me falsely.”

Shizuo chuckles darkly. “You’re a damn Flea, you know that?”

“Always.” With a smirk, Izaya plucks a piece of the blond’s sushi up and proffers it to Shizuo, a playfully conniving look in his eye. “I think you just need to eat more sushi Shizu-chan. Then you wouldn’t be so grumpy. Say  _ ah.” _

“Izaya~” Shizuo glares at him, unimpressed with this new turn of events. From behind the counter, Simon looks up and wonders what Izaya thinks he’s doing, attempting to feed Shizuo like that. It could be considered flirtatious but coming from Izaya, it feels like condescension.

“What, you don’t want it?” Izaya’s eyebrow twitches minutely, the only sign that he’s laughing inside. “Then I suppose you won’t mind me eating it.” Before Shizuo can stop him, Izaya drops the sushi into his mouth and chews expectantly before wrinkling his nose. “Why on earth would you eat something so sweet?”

“It’s good,” Shizuo responds defensively, eating some more of his food as if nervous of Izaya stealing more. “I like sweet things.”

“I’ll never understand why you put up with me then,” Izaya hums, washing down the taste of Shizuo’s sushi with a few sips of water. “I’m anything but sweet.”

“You taste pretty sweet.”

“Shizu-chan there are children around!” Izaya announces, clapping his hands over his ears. “Oh, you’re going to destroy my innocence with that dirty mind of yours.”

Shizuo opens his mouth in confusion before turning bright red. “I didn’t mean-” he starts to protest before catching Izaya sticking his tongue out at him and realizing he’s fallen right into Izaya’s trap. “Bastard,” he snorts.

Simon is sure he’s never heard an insult be used so affectionately.

Picking up a piece of his precious Otoro, Izaya grins. “But it’s so much fun Shizu-chan!” Then he proffers the sushi with the words, “Here, for stealing one of yours.”

“I’m not letting you feed me Izaya,” Shizuo deadpans, unimpressed by the pout Izaya pulls. “It’s stupid.”

“Come on, just this once?” Izaya begs, red eyes comically wide. “For me,” he wheedles, wiggling the fatty tuna encouragingly. When Shizuo just glares at him, Izaya’s face falls. This time however, Shizuo can sense the disappointment as Izaya eats the piece of Otoro himself and starts to retreat to his side of the table.

At once, Shizuo relents. “God, fine, I’ll eat a piece.”

Brightening, Izaya snaps up a fresh piece and holds it out for Shizuo to take. Feeling like a fool, Shizuo dutifully accepts the fish from the end of the chopsticks, flushing when a bit of rice falls from where it had stuck to his lips. Almost instantly his face screws up horribly. “Ugh, why the hell would you eat this shit?”

Izaya, meanwhile, is doubled over in silent laughter. Tears are actually running down his face.

“Oi Flea,” Shizuo snaps, annoyed. “It’s not that fucking funny.” When Izaya still doesn’t stop, Shizuo snorts and turns away, still trying to get the taste out of his mouth. “I’m going to ignore you until you stop.” This only seems to make Izaya laugh harder.

“Knock it off!”

But Izaya’s still laughing and an alarming amount of tears are leaking from his eyes and it takes Shizuo a second, but suddenly he realizes the look on Izaya’s face is not one of mirth but of panic. The man isn’t laughing, he’s actually choking and his face is already turning blue.

Simon, who’s been watching the proceedings quickly moves to get to the asphyxiating man but Shizuo is much faster. He’s already beside Izaya, smacking the Raven on the back hard enough that the piece of sushi lodged in his throat flies out and disappears to god knows where. As soon as he can draw breath, Izaya whimpers and rocks into Shizuo’s arms, frightened tears making their way down his face.

“You’re fine Izaya,” Shizuo murmurs, running fingers through Izaya’s hair and rubbing the man’s back comfortingly. “It was just a piece of food, you’re okay now.”

The rest of the restaurant looks away, suddenly feeling like they’re intruding on a private moment. Even residents of Ikebukuro know when it’s best to look away. It’s good, because Izaya would likely kill anyone who saw what happened next.

But Simon sees. Watches as Shizuo tilts Izaya’s chin up and kisses the man delicately. Though Shizuo can taste the Otoro on the man’s lips, he doesn’t complain. Honestly, if it’s Izaya, he doesn’t care at all.

Carefully, Simon looks away from the scene. He will admit that he’d never expected it to turn out like this, but he really doesn’t mind. Shizuo and Izaya were always sort of destined to end up together after all.

And much to everyone’s collective surprise, the restaurant and the city live to see another day. Strange, yes, but no one’s about to complain.

Least of all Simon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such fluff, much wow.
> 
> But like, the next chapter will make you squeal so hard, I guarantee it. 
> 
> Now, I'm off to work on The Trouble with Soulmates. That chapter should be posted within the next three days. 
> 
> Laters~


	11. Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya’s probably cold-blooded, not that Shizuo’s complaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, but what about TTWS?
> 
> I just can't help myself, y'all already know this. And it's so cute.
> 
> Enjoy!

“How do you even read this shit?” Shizuo grumbles from the center of the couch, squinting at the page in irritation before snorting and staring at the front cover of the dusty gray book. His words are punctuated by a roll of thunder from outside. From the other end of the couch, Izaya, or what he takes to be Izaya, peeks his nose above his bundle of spare blankets, red eyes glimmering in the darkness.

“So disrespectful Shizu-chan,” Izaya pouts, though the effect is somewhat ruined by the muffled quality of his voice. Bits of silky black hair escape the confines of his cave through the small gap left open for fresh air. “That right there is excellent literature. Not that I’d expect a beast like you to understand.”

“But what does it even mean?” Shizuo mutters, picking a random word off the page. “Doubleplusungood? That’s not even a word.” Another flash of lightning, another peal of thunder. A cold draft blows through Shizuo’s apartment and Izaya shivers, despite the blankets covering him.

_ Might as well be cold blooded... _

Theoretically, the Raven is supposed to be heading home, claiming work as an excuse to leave, but now that it’s raining, the man seems much more inclined to stay. Shizuo’s not complaining, even though Izaya’s stolen every blanket that isn’t being used for something and even some that were in use. It’s not even that cold, the peak of the summer only just now fading away, but the man still seems to be convinced it’s freezing out.

From his cocoon, Izaya sighs shortly. “That’s the whole point Shizu-chan. It’s not supposed to be a normal word, it's called Newspeak.” The bundle containing Izaya rolls to its side and the top of the Flea’s head appears as it flops down beside Shizuo’s thigh. “When they say ungood, they mean bad. Doubleplusungood just means very very bad.”

“Then why the hell wouldn’t they just say that?” Shizuo asks in confusion, reading another few sentences. “Why bother tacking on all that extra shit?” He points at the page, disgruntled. “If you have to translate something below so people can understand then there's no point putting it in at all.”

The nose he feels rubbing against his thigh momentarily distracts Shizuo from the book. Izaya, the little shit, nudges the blanket aside and grins up at him devilishly. “You’re looking at it incorrectly Shizu-chan, stop using so much wrong-think.” He giggles at his own private joke. “What you should be asking yourself is why they’re trying to get rid of the word bad. Why are they doing away with words that relate to rank and superiority or words used to describe missing people?”

Glaring back down at the book, Shizuo guesses, “Because they want to piss people off?” This earns his leg an admonishing flick before Izaya buries the tips of his fingers under Shizuo’s thigh with a happy little sound.

“No, that would be silly. They’re doing it so they can control people's thoughts.” Izaya says it like it makes perfect sense. “By doing away with words, after a few generations, the people will lose the ability to understand certain concepts at all.” The rain patters at the small windows and Izaya curls up closer, the blankets spilling out over Shizuo’s lap as the man next to him squirms.

“Why bother?” Shizuo mutters, mystified. “Just because someone says that I have to use words like,” he squints at the page. “Unpersons doesn’t mean I’m going to use them. I’m going to use ordinary fucking words.” Another one of Izaya’s hands worms its way under his leg. His fingers are cold but Shizuo doesn’t complain.

“You’re forgetting the Thought Police,” Izaya says silkily. There’s a crack of thunder and the Raven makes a soft noise of disquiet before picking his head up and plopping it down on Shizuo’s lap. “What if you have to use these new words and avoid using the old ones or face death. Becoming an  _ unperson?” _

Shizuo pulls back the blankets that cover Izaya’s face which prompts the man’s eyes to fly open. Red meets gold and Izaya purrs with laughter, pushing himself further into Shizuo’s lap. As always, the first thought to enter Shizuo's mind is of an overgrown cat. “Do you know what happens once the language is controlled?” Izaya pulls one of his hands out from under Shizuo’s leg so he can tug the blanket up after him. “The thoughts are controlled also.”

Honestly, the blond is starting to wonder if the Flea even cares about what he’s saying or if it’s just some sort of strange plot to get him something he wants. Currently that thing seems to be Shizuo’s personal space and he’s stealing it by generally just occupying every available inch. He’s a bit unsure how Izaya managed to go from sitting at the far end of the couch to half-way into his lap without him noticing but it’s Izaya. Shizuo isn’t surprised.

“Okay, but how do words affect what we can think?” Shizuo asks, giving up on the book and tossing it on his coffee table. He’s only a little bit curious, the majority of his attention being taken up by the rasp of Izaya’s soft hair against the skin of his torso. It's oddly pleasant but Shizuo argues that the same thing can be said about a lot of things that concern the Flea.

“Think of a blind man who has never seen color in his life,” Izaya suggests, drawing his legs in until he’s almost entirely sitting on Shizuo's lap. “How would you describe color to him? You could say that tree is green or that apple is red but without the words in our vocabulary to describe what red and green are, he has no idea what you’re talking about. He could be picturing the color yellow or he could be struck by the sudden thought of the number three. We cannot explain and therefore, he cannot understand.”

Shizuo nods and curiously searches for and finds an opening in Izaya’s lump of blankets to stick his hand in through. A moment later he feels something nip playfully at the tips of his fingers. His face flushes pink. 

“Even if someone came to us with words to describe such a concept as the color red, we wouldn’t understand because we wouldn’t have the ability to.” A chill runs through Shizuo as Izaya runs his tongue over the underside of one of his fingers. Quickly he gropes around and finds Izaya’s arm, which he uses to pull the man more upright. The blanket flops away again to reveal the Raven’s smirking features, an entirely pleased look in his eyes.

“So without words like bad, we can’t understand the concept?” Shizuo clarifies, raising and eyebrow as if to remind Izaya that they were having a conversation and licking his fingers wasn’t part of it.

“Exactly!” Izaya croons. “In a society such as this, we are all like the blind man. Someone can try to explain that something’s good but without the concept of bad, how can we understand? Likewise, slavery becomes impossible to understand because the idea of freedom is no longer in existence, how can we make sense of it. Once we have nothing to compare something to, the concept loses its meaning and soon all we have is doubleplusungood with no notion of how the word terrible could mean anything at all.”

Pushing Shizuo backward, Izaya succeeds in toppling the blond man over till he’s lying on the couch. “See, I knew you had a few brain cells in there somewhere. I’d try to help you wrap your mind around the concept of doublethink but I fear your head might overheat.” Nodding sympathetically, Izaya’s face breaks out into a grin. “At least now we’re both happy.”

“Oh?” Shizuo says skeptically as Izaya re-wraps himself in his blanket before flopping down on top of the blond’s chest. “How’s that?”

“You understand the book a bit better,” Izaya pushes his nose under Shizuo’s chin and inhales happily. “And I’m finally almost warm.”

“You still haven’t answered my original question,” Shizuo points out, attempting to ignore the lazy shivers of pleasure making their way down his back at the feeling of Izaya's lashes fluttering against his throat. “And how are you not warm? Summer isn’t even over yet!”

“Mmm~” Izaya’s breath drifts over the skin exposed by the neckline of his t-shirt. “What was the question again, I’m afraid I forgot.” Shizuo can feel the man attempting to work his toes under the hems of his sweatpants so he can press them against the blond’s warm skin. It’s like feeling a bunch of tiny ice cubes slide past him but Shizuo doesn’t complain.

“I wanted to know why you read the book at all?” Shizuo grumbles, pinning one edge of the blanket under his shoulder so he has the room to move that arm without incurring Izaya’s displeasure. He uses the freedom to wrap his arm around Izaya’s torso. The Flea’s skin is cool to the touch and Izaya shivers in delight under his warm hand.

Outside, the thunder booms and lightning brightens the room for a second before plunging it back into dim darkness. Sighing happily, Izaya worm his fingers under Shizuo and up the back of his shirt. “Because it displays an interesting aspect of humanity and explores how easily we can be controlled.” For a moment he relaxes before beginning to wriggle around again. “I find it fascinating.”

Freeing his other hand, Shizuo flattens Izaya against his chest, preventing him from more unnecessary movement. “Stop squirming around Flea. What the hell are you doing?”

Izaya whines pitifully. “I’m still cold Shizu-chan and you’re a human furnace.” He pushes the blankets off his face so he can look up at Shizuo, bottom lip stuck out in a pout. “Have a little compassion you beast.” It’s an adorable look and Shizuo can hardly begin to stop himself from shifting a hand to the back of Izaya’s head before pulling him down into a kiss.

It’s quick because Izaya still wants something else from Shizuo and that thing is a solution to being cold. For a second the blond remembers a moment in time, perched on the edge of a roof, the wind numbing them both to the bone. When Izaya complains so fervently about being cold, he can’t help but think back and realize that though the Raven seems to exist at a lower temperature, he doesn't really want to.

When Izaya says he’s cold, he’s not just talking about being physically chilled, he’s talking about a whole lot more.

And if he looks to Shizuo for warmth then the blond isn’t going to raise a fuss about it. Instead he merely rolls over, trapping Izaya between the back of the couch and himself. For a second Izaya makes indignant squawking sounds as the cold cushions at his back transfer their chill to him but Shizuo pulls him closer and eventually he stops.

Izaya sort of just sinks into Shizuo at this point, melting against him like chocolate or some other piece of candy. The soft groans of appreciation that emanate from Izaya’s chest send sparks through the blond’s body and it prompts him to seek out the Raven’s lips again.

This time the man is more pliant, quicker to kiss back, even if the movement is sleepy and lazy. Shizuo likes the taste of Izaya, unresisting and contented. He tastes sweet, contrary to the foods he tends to eat, like candy and sugar. There’s a faint memory on Izaya’s breath of the sip of Shizuo’s glass of milk that he stole and it reminds him of the confused look on Izaya’s face as he’d stuck out his tongue in complaint.

_ So fucking perfect, what did I do to earn this? _

Their lips slide against each other naturally, it hasn’t taken long for them to get this down to a science of sorts. Shizuo knows exactly how much of a fight Izaya will put up before allowing the blond’s tongue to plunder his own mouth, always searching for that deceptively sweet taste that is Izaya Orihara. In turn, Izaya is content to let Shizuo take control, adding in his own playful bites and stupid games when it suits him.

It’s warm and normal. Shizuo’s glad for that more than anything else.

With a heated chuckle, Izaya draws back for a moment and smirks up at Shizuo. It’s probably supposed to look daring and dangerous but all Shizuo sees is a kitten who thinks he can be a tiger. The blond takes a moment to search Izaya’s eyes for any hint of the encroaching darkness that he seems to be so easily sucked into but there’s nothing there. In that moment, Izaya doesn’t have any masks that need to be seen through. He’s just being the same shitty louse he’s always been.

Shizuo kisses lightly at the side of Izaya’s devilish smile which for some reason he now adores instead of hating it like he used to. As if he knows what’s going through Shizuo’s mind, Izaya makes an indignant sound and nips at the blond’s bottom lip. His face feels hot where it’s pressed against Shizuo’s skin and it makes the man laugh at his boyfriend’s antics.

“You’re unbelievable,” Izaya murmurs hotly, blowing a stray bit of hair out of his eyes. “Such a monster Shizu-chan. Just beastly.” That’s what he says, but he doesn’t protest the way Shizuo’s hands push his shirt up and out of the way so he can run calloused palms over his creamy skin. Shizuo just knows the man too well at this point.

“Yeah, and you’re a Flea,” Shizuo counters, pressing another light kiss to the top of Izaya’s head, grinning as he does so. It’s comfortable and both of them like comfortable a lot more than either of them are willing to admit. This is as close to perfect as they can possibly get.

Shizuo, for one, thinks that it’s pretty damn good.

Noticing the way Izaya’s breaths keep getting slower, Shizuo teasingly asks, “You warm enough yet?” He knows the answer but he can’t help himself.

There’s a small, exasperated puff of air against his chest. “Don’t let it go to your head,” Izaya mumbles, but the words sound affectionate. It’s amazing how often they end up feeling that way.

The blond’s heart warms as he snuggles closer to this tiny slice of true happiness and finally closes his eyes. This is perfect, this is  _ good. _

Thunder booms, lightning flashes and wind and rain rattle the windows but neither of them is awake to hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points to whoever can guess/knows the name of the book Izaya was reading.
> 
> It sort of fits with his personality, ne?
> 
> Now I really will go work on The Trouble with Soulmates xD


	12. Flying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sunset is beautiful from here, and when he reaches out, he’s almost flying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff to make all the angst of my other stories not seem so bad.
> 
> It just keeps getting longer, I have no idea how far this story will go honestly :D
> 
> Enjoy my darlings~

“What the fuck are we doing?”

“Oh shush Shizu-chan, try to appreciate the beauty around you.” 

“We’re in the middle of a fucking construction site.”

Well they are, Izaya personally likes it, the dust and grit that swirls around them in clouds that make Shizuo wrinkle his nose and others cough. He’s not all high-rise rich-kid, his humans, after all, have many faces and he can’t ignore some just because they’re heads aren’t far enough up their own asses. This is just as much a part of the world as anything else.

Except it isn’t bustling, any stragglers have ignored them thus far, mostly because the sight of the two of them might as well be a ghost sighting for how rare it feels. No one is quite sure if they’re seeing things or not so nobody has stopped them. After all, the work day is finishing up, everyone’s going home. Why bother risking a neck over something so petty?

They’re mostly just being left to their own devices.

“But seriously,” Shizuo avoids running into the metal beam that Izaya easily ducked under. “Why are we here?” He sounds properly confused and Izaya feels quite pleased with himself because of this fact. What’s the point of having superior intellect after all if he can’t surprise the man once in a while? This certainly falls under the category of the unexpected.

“To get a peek into the life of the working man?” Izaya guesses flippantly, ducking the admonishing flick Shizuo aims for his head. It’s a far cry from the punishment he used to doll out but they’ve been getting better. Even if it still sometimes feels like they’re treading on eggshells. “Come now Shizu-chan, don’t be such a spoilsport, I’ll explain once we get there.”

“You always say that,” Shizuo grumbles, succeeding in catching Izaya and tugging him closer by the waist. “And yet somehow, the shit just gets more confusing.” But he’s got a light dancing in his eyes and Izaya uses the window of opportunity presented him to lean forward and press a quick kiss to the blond’s mouth.

He notices the panicked looking workman out of the corner of his eye, but is far more focused on what Shizuo’s doing with that mouth of his to really care. Besides, Izaya’s pretty sure he knows the man from one of the apartment complexes he’s crashed through a window of. Honestly, he’s harmless.

Shizuo might not be though, Izaya’s fairly convinced the blond will be the death of him at some point. He of course means this in the most sincere, yet affectionate manner possible.

Breath now coming in slightly short puffs, Izaya manages, “Your brain just can’t comprehend my brilliance. It’s okay, few can.” Shizuo chuckles at this and chases Izaya’s lips again but the Raven pushes him back. “Patience you beast, I don’t want to miss it.”

“Miss what?” And yet, like the wonderfully trained monster he is, Shizuo follows along obediently. It doesn’t take Izaya long to find what he’s looking for, the rickety cage set up as a workman’s elevator. He’s well aware that if Shizuo were to lose it, they’d both be sent plummeting to their inevitable demise but he’s not planning on pissing the man off so it’s all okay.

“I’m not going to just tell you,” Izaya chastises, his eyes flickering with mischief. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

As the elevator creeks to life, Shizuo looks about them with no small amount of suspicion. “The hell?” Giving Izaya a skeptical look, the beast reminds him, “You do know this isn’t a finished building, right?” He doesn’t seem worried persay, which is good because Izaya hadn’t been quite sure if Shizuo was good with heights. But no, he just doesn’t know what the raven-haired man is planning.

_ When does he ever? _

“Shizu-chan,” Izaya begins with a sigh of long-suffering that makes Shizuo roll his eyes. “Do you  _ honestly _ think me so pitiful that I am not aware of the difference between a finished and an unfinished building? Don’t be silly,” he bumps his shoulder against Shizuo’s and smiles when the man automatically reaches out an arm to pull him closer. “I brought you here for a reason.”

“Must be one hell of a reason,” Shizuo murmurs, but his mind is elsewhere, Izaya can tell because the man’s eyes are fixed on him too intently to be actually listening to the words coming out of his mouth. There was once a time where Izaya might have bent under such scrutiny but now he basks in it. It’s not like he doesn’t spead his own fair share of time checking Shizuo out or simply getting lost in his presence.

“Oh trust me, it is,” Izaya assures him, humming tunelessly as they ascend. It’s one of his favorite things in fact, one of those small pleasures you must take as life throws it at you. As the elevator grinds to a halt, Izaya clangs the door open and pulls away from Shizuo once more. “Come on, don’t waste time, you’ll miss it.”

The bare metal beams are a bit harder to navigate, what with a flat-footed Shizuo in tow, but he does well enough. His years of chasing the Raven finally proving themselves useful, Shizuo easily keeps up behind Izaya. Obviously disgruntled by the light of the sun shining in his eyes, the blond asks, “What the hell are we doing up here?”

Spinning and skipping backward easily, Izaya chirps, “Oh come now Shizu-chan, don’t you remember?” When all he gets is a predictably lost expression, Izaya explains. “It was years ago now that you first chased me through a construction site but believe me, I came back many times after. You’ll see why soon.”

Finding one of the workmen’s ladders, Izaya scales higher among the bare steel supports and rattling boards. After a moment’s dubious examination, Shizuo follows, ponderously rising up after his flighty boyfriend. Izaya, of course, is already searching for a way up to the very top level of supports. Glancing down at the dizzying drop, Izaya smiles. Once it’s completed, the building will be impressive, if ultimately boring. He likes this better, much better.

At least when it concerns these particular purposes.

Deciding that there is no easy way up, Izaya leaps up gracefully and latches onto the underside of a beam. Using it to pull himself up, the Raven slowly straightens as he stands on this thin line between empty air and safety, smiling serenely as he does so. It’s two supports together so it’s a little wider than it would be otherwise, but it still gives the feeling of precarity. A second later Shizuo is hauling himself up after him and balancing on the metal beam. Izaya can’t help his grin. Really, there’s no other person in the world who can keep up with him like Shizuo can.

“So tell me what I’m up here for,” Shizuo says, looking around in a very blase manner. “Because this is as high as we can go and I’m still seeing fuck all.”

With a hidden smile, Izaya moves to the very edge of the beam and points out at the horizon. “Just open your eyes Shizu-chan.” As the man turns, he finally sees it.

The sun, sending off a dazzling array of colors, is setting behind the horizon. The sky above them is streaked with sangrita and garnet, deep rich hues that stain the clouds with blood. As it gets closer to the horizon, these colors fade into ambers and honey that eventually culmanate in the blinding bursts of pure gold that are almost as hard to look at as the sun itself. Set over the top of Tokyo as it is, the scene is a thing of beauty.

Taking a deep breath, Izaya spreads his arms out and just lets the breeze fill him with life. The glowing sunset reflects on his face and up this high, he feels like he’s reaching out and snagging some of those threads of color for himself. Everything is light and airy, insubstantial in the best way. Like this it’s easy to forget there’s something under you at all, it’s almost like flying.

Izaya loves it.

“Isn’t it spectacular?” Izaya asks, turning his head and regarding Shizuo through pleasantly slitted eyes. Wrenching his gaze from the horizon, Izaya can see the way the blond’s eyes widen as they land on him.

“Yeah,” he murmurs, though Izaya knows for a fact he’s no longer talking about the sunset. “Pretty amazing.”

Ignoring the way his cheeks warm, pretending it’s just a result of the sun, Izaya looks back out at the world and says, “I remember the first time I saw this, we were fresh out of high school and you chased me through an old construction site, though it wasn’t as high as this one.” Eyes closing in memory, Izaya draws in another breath of the clean, free air and continues, “I managed to lose you on it. As I was getting down though, I happened to turn and see this.”

He feels weightless, wonderfully so. Full of adrenaline and joy. It reminds him of Shizuo, which is why he brought the man here in the first place.

“You can’t get a view like this anywhere else, and if you can, it just isn’t the same.” Casually, he skips farther down the beam, arms still stretched out rediculously to catch the breeze. Izaya can’t help but wonder if this is what it’s like to be a bird, so free and light. Half of him wonders what would happen if he fell of the edge. Perhaps he would just take flight.

Just like a bird. Like the raven people compare him too.

And he’s dragged Shizuo up here, who’s more like pillar of rock than any living thing, so firmly planted on the ground.

“Careful,” Shizuo says, but he sounds amused. Izaya turns to pout at him for mocking his joy but the look of complete devotion on Shizuo’s face just embaresses him so he settles on a cheeky wink. 

“But I’m like a bird up here,” Izaya reminds him, waving his arms in a ridiculous demonstration. “So close to the horizon.”

What he loves best however, is the feeling of it all. There’s a reason he comes out here that has nothing to do with the view or the fresh air or even the breeze. It’s because it makes him feel alive. That closeness to the edge reminds him of Shizuo, of the dangerous game he’s played all his life. It’s not quite as deadly now, but that rush of adrenaline is still the same. The sensation of being on a razor’s edge and never quite tipping off just balancing precariously, a second from falling.

Except he doesn’t need anything else now, not when he always has Shizuo around. This used to be a sort of temporary high Izaya could fall back on when his beast was nowhere to be seen, now he always knows where Shizuo is, doesn’t have to rely on silly things like this.

“It reminds me of you,” he says softly, giving Shizuo a look that conveys a lot more than his words ever could. Shuffling to the very edge, he looks up at the darkening sky and whispers, “I used to do all the time. Now it’s just a beautiful view, ne?”

“It is,” Shizuo agrees, and Izaya is glad to see he’s actually looking at the sight now, taking it in. Izaya decides that he likes this look on Shizuo, much like he enjoys most of the man’s faces. Behind the sunglasses he’s donned, his eyes are narrowed against the sun but a smile is on his face. The sunset casts him into a different set of colors, all accenting what’s already there. His posture is loose,  _ calm. _ It must be contagious because Izaya feels his own muscles unknotting.

“Told you it was worth it.” Stretching his arms out again, Izaya leans into the last rays of the setting sun and soaks up all the life it brings with it. Almost taking flight, almost like a bird. He might as well be one with his coat fluttering in the breeze and his fingers twirling. A bit further, and he could touch the clouds.

He doesn’t realize how close he is to the edge until he realizes it’s no longer there.

Suddenly overcome with a rush of vertigo, Izaya panics as he feels himself tipping forward over nothingness. All of that weightlessness he’d been reveling in is gone as suddenly he starts dropping towards the hungry void beneath him. It’s sucking him down and he can’t flail his arms enough to regain his balance because he’s already falling. There’s hardly time to even blink.

It’s like that rooftop all over again, except this time, he really will die.

And then suddenly something yanks him back, dragging him back from the dizzying drop and planting his feet back on solid ground. Stunned, Izaya can’t find his breath for a moment, he just clutches to the lifeline that’s Shizuo’s torso and waits for his body to stop shaking. The blond, whose heart is hammering as well just strokes Izaya’s hair and holds him closely.

“Fuck,” Shizuo murmurs. “I told you to be careful.” But his heart isn’t in it, he’s not upset. Only terrified, much like Izaya himself. Shizuo’s arms tighten and Izaya’s suddenly glad that the man is so steady because even though he’s suspended several hundred feet above the ground, he feels secure. 

“I’m sorry,” Izaya whispers, finally finding his voice. “I’m usually fine.” His fingers tighten their grip in Shizuo’s shirt, holding on for what feels like dear life even though he knows he’s probably safe.

“It only takes once Flea,” Shizuo says fiercely, pulling Izaya’s head up so he’s forced to look the man in the eyes. The golden colors he finds there are far brighter than any sunset could ever be, far more beautiful as well.

“I’m not going anywhere,” the blond tells him, meaning every word. “I’m right here. You don’t need to do stupid shit like this. You’ve got me.” It’s as if the man understands everything that’s behind this, gets why Izaya used to come out here. The words burn a trail to Izaya’s heart and ingrain themselves there, a permanent memory of this.

“I know,” Izaya murmurs before pressing their mouths together.

This time it isn’t a rush, it isn’t a shot of adrenaline, it’s a subtle flair that settles Izaya’s nerves and makes his body hum with a gentle energy. It feels right, better than anything else in the world. The world fades, and for a long moment it’s just the two of them and promise of a future that isn’t so dim.

By the time they part, the sun has already vanished below the horizon and the world is sinking into the dark blues of night.

“Come on,” Shizuo says, a thin smile on his face. “Sunset’s over, let’s go home Flea.”

Izaya discovers that the sentiment is one with which he can very much agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the demons win.
> 
> I'm currently on suicide watch, I'm not sure how long it's going to last. I'll still be writing but my updates won't be quite as quick. Don't worry, I'm still working on these stories and I will update eventually, but it won't be quite as soon as I would like.
> 
> Next chapter finished will be The Trouble with Soulmates! For anyone who knows what I'm talking about the score is currently 23:20!
> 
> Until next time!


	13. Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Shizuo's expert opinion, Izaya really should look where he's going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Though many of you who follow my other stories are already aware, I just want to clear the air. I'm doing much better now in terms of my state of mental health and I really appreciate all the love and support I received throughout. I don't think I managed to respond to much of it personally but it meant a ton.
> 
> Also, finally getting around to posting more. It's not like it's been 26 days since the last chapter. Haha, it's not like I counted...
> 
> But I digress. Here y'all are. A little longer than usual~
> 
> but enjoy.

Shizuo isn’t sure when this became okay.

It’s not like Izaya’s been secretive about their relationship, but he hasn’t been open about it either. There’s no shame, but Shizuo doesn’t sense pride either. It’s neutrality and for the most part, he gets that. Izaya feels the way he does about Shizuo and, though the Raven will never put it quite so bluntly, the rest of the world can fuck off.

But there are side effects to this and one of them is that Izaya doesn’t feel the desire or need to act close to Shizuo in public. He just acts like he typically would around Shizuo in private. Sometimes flirty, sometimes abrasive, sometimes simply existing in the same space comfortably and naturally.

And so there isn’t any of the shit that Shizuo might have labeled as things people in a relationship do. There’s very little hand holding, there’s next to no acting like the world has ceased to exist, there are no intentionally secretive-but-really-very-obvious kisses. There’s just Izaya. Really, that’s all Shizuo could ever want.

But today, today is one of those days where Shizuo and Izaya almost resemble a normal relationship. You know, other than the fact that everyone nearby is standing at least five meters away from them out of fear.

They aren’t exploding at each other though, they’re actually walking together. Amicably. Well, more than amicably actually. Shizuo’s got Izaya’s hand intertwined with his and every few seconds the Raven’s shoulder bumps his like he wants to be closer. That part isn’t common place. That’s almost new.

And Shizuo likes it.

He’s not even sure why they’re out here in the first place. Something about going somewhere for Izaya’s work but Shizuo’s hazy on the details. Izaya’s almost always got work and most of it involves things that the blond can’t even begin to understand.

For instance, standing at the top of one particular telephone poll for two hours doesn’t seem very productive, yet Izaya, by his own account, seems to get heaps of work done in this way. Shizuo really doesn’t want to know how, he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t get it anyway and even if he did, he’d probably just be skeeved out by it. Izaya’s just that kind of person.

But today doesn't feel remotely like work. This almost feels like a date to be honest. _Not that I’m complaining,_ Shizuo thinks as he looks down at Izaya, who bumps into him again lightly before glancing up at his face through dark lashes.

“You’re doing it again,” Izaya comments mildly, not a hint of complaint in his tone. “You look ridiculous like that.” He’s of course speaking of the smile that keeps finding itself on Shizuo’s face. Izaya says it looks dopey but the blond can’t be bothered to care.

“Probably,” Shizuo agrees, unable to think very far past the thin, long fingers brushing against his knuckles. What he can’t help but notice is that the people around them are literally shaking in fear and at some point, that might actually annoy him. But for now, it means Izaya and he can continue walking through Ikebukuro at a wonderfully sedated pace without having to worry about people getting in the way.

Rolling his eyes Izaya walks ahead of Shizuo to the extent their linked hands allowed before falling back into step beside the blond. “Come on,” he prods with a small, almost mocking pout. “Aren’t you going to try and squish me like a bug Shizu-chan? Take your fists and grind me into dust against the pavement?”

“Why the hell would I do that?” Shizuo asks, snorting with dry laughter as he thought back to all the times he’d _failed_ to do exactly what Izaya was describing. Really, it’s amazing he’d kept trying after failing so many times. “I’m not even angry at you.” Izaya, predictably, gives him one of his famous are-you-stupid-or-are-you-just-Shizu-chan looks before adopting an air of superiority.

“Ne, it’s obvious Shizu-chan!” Grinning mischievously, Izaya purrs, “Look at all these delightfully dull humans, just waiting for a show.” With his free hand, he gestures at the people scampering to get out of their way. “Don’t you want to live up to their expectations?”

Shizuo raises an eyebrow. “I kind of like this actually,” he admits, softly nudging into Izaya, almost setting the man off balance. Thankfully, Izaya’s dexterous and only bobbles once before giving him a little frown of irritation. The look is contradicted by the blush high on his cheeks.

“Stupid Shizu-chan,” Izaya chastises, turning away to hide the stupid little grin of his own that’s creeping over his lips. “Come _on,_ it’s such a nice day. Let’s terrorize some poor innocent people.”

Those words really do make Shizuo frown because usually, he tries to do the opposite but the way Izaya’s looking at him is making him wonder if maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. There’s a familiar spark of intense mischief in the red eyes that gleam back at him that is undeniably enticing. And really, the look in Izaya’s eyes was less than innocent so can you really blame him?

“Are you trying to start something?” Shizuo rumbles, his ever-present, ever fiery emotions blazing to life. “You sure you want to do that, _I-za-ay?”_ It’s only because their hands are still linked that Shizuo feels the shiver that travels through Izaya at those words.

Pulling away, Izaya deftly sweeps before Shizuo with a ripple of his black coat. “Oh Shizu-chan, are you really asking me a question like that? What do I have to fear from such a tamed monster?” The people around them are starting to get really scared now, some flat out fleeing the scene. Others are simply petrified in terror.

Shizuo, for one, takes a familiar stance, hands clenched into fists at his sides, feet ready to take off in a moment and a dark grin plastered to his face. “Tamed?” he growls, looking at Izaya over the tops of his sunglasses. Izaya’s eyes dilate and his nostrils flair at the picture. “Who the hell do you think you’re talking to, huh? I could rip you limb from limb.”

He wouldn’t, but he could, and for some reason that sends another visible shiver through Izaya. It’s strange. Where Shizuo’s scared of his own strength, particularly when it comes to the Raven, Izaya seems entirely drawn to it. Hell, the Flea _loves_ it, and well, Shizuo kind of likes the way Izaya’s eyes are taking him apart, piece by piece.

“Oooh, I’m just _shaking,”_ Izaya mocks, taking a step back, instantly sending the people around them backward like a wave. A small pink tongue darts out over lips Shizuo knows are soft and a little too addicting. “Come on beast, you wouldn’t want to make claims you can’t fulfill.”

With steps that leave the earth trembling beneath him, Shizuo advances on Izaya, unsure where the charade ends and the itch for a good chase begins. “Oh believe me,” he promises as something inside him hums like a tuning fork, an occurrence that seems to be happening more and more around the man. “I’m going to do a whole lot worse.”

And by worse, Shizuo’s wondering how mad Izaya would be if he were to end up shoved against a wall in an alley a dozen blocks down where they could… Well, there were a lot of ways that could go, most of them infinitely more satisfying than a simple chase would be.

“Such big words,” Izaya purrs, smirking right back at him. _“Bite me.”_

_Careful, I just might._ But that isn’t the right response, so instead, Shizuo lets loose with a bellowing cry of, “III-ZAAA-YAAA!!!” and gives chase.

Instantly, people scatter. Izaya spins neatly on his heel before sprinting off down the sidewalk, a recklessly delighted laugh tumbling from his throat. Filled with a fire that scorches its way through his systems, Shizuo tears after him. It’s so familiar and yet it’s so new, which is probably why they had never tired of this game before. Izaya never repeats the same pattern twice and Shizuo just acts without thinking so he doesn’t have much of a plan either.

All in all, it never grows old.

Around the corner, down a street, over the tops of cars stopped at a light, Izaya’s feet carry him like there are wings attached to them. It’s almost physically intoxicating to watch the Raven, the calculated smirk that heats Shizuo’s blood past the boiling point in the best way possible and the sharp laugh that escapes him as Shizuo throws a trashcan in his direction.

Dodging last second, Izaya comes up behind him and breathlessly taunts, “Come now Shizu-chan, where’s that legendary anger of yours. _Fight me!”_ But it’s not a fight, it’s just a game that they love to play a little too much. “Don’t you want to kill me?”

“Oh I’m not going to kill you,” Shizuo snarls. “I’m just going to make you regret this!” Another hurtling object, another punch, another feint, another cackle. The colors blur as they move too quickly for eyes to track them. Not that anyone’s watching, no, they’re all just trying to get out of the way.

As they should be, this isn’t necessarily something Shizuo wants being ogled. Not this time, not when it’s clear that this is so much more than just a fight.

Down the streets they race, Izaya tossing insults, Shizuo responding by tearing up the scenery as he goes. It’s exhilarating, the Raven’s cheeks are flushed and Shizuo’s heart is racing. And it’s not even the fight, it’s really just Izaya. The way he moves, the way he breathes.

The way he’s willing to exist close to Shizuo like they belong together, despite all the jagged edges.

This is all just an extension of that, another facet of something bigger that Shizuo can’t help but want more of. It’s perfect and it’s alive and it’s _real_ and to some extent, they both need it.

“Ne,” Izaya calls as he skips backwards, still managing to keep out of Shizuo’s reach though he’s not _really_ pushing himself. Neither of them are. “Sometimes I think that, in reality, Shizu-chan just wants a piece of this ass.”

“An ass is all you are!” Shizuo retorts though internally he very much agrees with Izaya. It’s a _very_ nice ass. “So fucking stop moving and let me-”

But he never gets to finish what he’s going to say because it’s at that moment that Shizuo realizes what’s about to happen. He hadn’t noticed how careless they were being, hadn’t even noticed they were racing through a busy intersection until he saw the car coming far too fast. Speeding directly towards Izaya’s path, it isn’t flagging, isn’t making any move to stop and Shizuo knows even as he opens his mouth to call Izaya’s name that it’s not going to do shit.

“IZAYA!!”

Confused at Shizuo’s sudden mood change, the Raven takes another few steps back before halting right where he shouldn’t be. Directly in the way of the charging beast of steel and exhaust. “What?”

It happens so fast, Shizuo hardly has time to blink. All he knows is that one moment Izaya had been several meters away and then the next he’s colliding with the Raven, throwing him out of the way of the speeding truck. Shizuo only has a moment to see Izaya’s stunned face as he’s throw backwards over the heads of several people before the world flips on it’s side and everything goes white.

For a moment, all Shizuo can hear is an intense ringing in his ears, drowning out all and every sound around him. His eyes aren’t opening and his head throbs, along with various other parts of his body. It’s not the first time getting hit by a car but this one was certainly the fastest. Everything spins as he struggles to regain consciousness, get up off the ground, just open his eyes at least.

It’s all just weirdly tingling.

Then he sees a face, rising up out of the darkness. It would take a lot more than getting hit by a car to make him forget those expressive red eyes, even for a second. Izaya’s leaning over him, grabbing him by the shoulders, pulling his head up till it rests on something a little less uncomfortable that pavement. _His knees, probably._

But he still can’t hear what Izaya’s saying, and his body is protesting his every move. All he can focus on is the gash on Izaya’s forehead that keeps bleeding, almost like a slap in the face to what Shizuo had tried to do. _Fuck,_ Shizuo thinks weakly, pretty much about the whole situation in general. _Fuck, I hurt him._ But if Izaya cares, he’s not showing it. All he seems to be thinking about is Shizuo, it’s clear in the terror and shock on his face.

_Heh, at least… At least he’s alive._

Shizuo, well, he’ll probably live. It just sucks right now.

Then, as the sounds of panicked people and car horns start filtering in past the white noise in his head, Shizuo can hear what Izaya’s saying. “-stupid idiotic reckless _stupid_ beast, what the _hell_ were you thinking, what the hell were you _doing_ , why on earth would you go and do something like _that?”_

Though everything is fuzzy and it still feels like his brain and body are suffering from a disconnect, Shizuo raises a hand to the blood on Izaya’s forehead. “You- You’re bleeding,” he mumbles, forcing the words through lips that won’t quite cooperate with him. Probably, in a moment he’ll be fine, but for now, everything really fucking hurts.

Izaya grabs the clumsy hand and holds it like it’s a lifeline. “You just jumped in front of a car you idiot!” he all but yells, eyes blazing with fear. “What the hell were you thinking?” he repeats, his other hand swiping over the side of Shizuo’s head. At the contact, the blond can’t help but hiss in pain. “You’re bleeding worse than I am!”

“Had to,” Shizuo attempts to explain, even though he’s having trouble keeping his eyes open. This still aren’t in focus and he can’t seem to make his ears work consistently either, the sound keeps fading in and out, like he’s hearing it from the bottom of the ocean. “They were… gonna hit you.”

Izaya’s bottom lip is trembling and Shizuo can’t tell if it’s from rage or from something else. “Then let me get hit, don’t throw yourself into danger like that!” The statement is bullshit, even Shizuo can see that. Even in his addled state.

“Would have… killed you!” Shizuo murmured vehemently. Though his eyesight's clearing, it’s still like he’s looking through a long tube at the world. Izaya looks so distant and tiny, despite the fact that Shizuo’s head is in the man’s lap. It would have been funny, but this is really no laughing matter.

“IT ALMOST _KILLED_ YOU!” And it’s only now that Shizuo feels the tears of fright hitting his face. Izaya’s wiping them away but he sees them nonetheless, bright and glittering like they always are. “It almost killed you,” Izaya repeats and Shizuo knows he’s shaking. “You almost _died_ b-because of a stupid-”

Whatever he’d been about to say is cut off by the sounds of a man, presumably the driver, cursing at them vehemently in Chinese. Face suddenly sliding towards downright emotionless, Shizuo feels Izaya shift him off of his lap so he can get to his feet. There’s murder in his eyes and for a moment, Shizuo can only distantly worry about what’s about to happen.

But then his mind comes into focus and Shizuo realizes that if he doesn’t get up, Izaya might have an awful lot to explain and a fair amount of blood to clean up. So it’s with no small amount of pain and even more unsteady wobbling that Shizuo forces himself to grab onto the hot grill of the truck that hit him before getting to his feet.

His vision blacks out again as all the blood rushes to his head but a moment later he’s able to see again and he pushes his mind back into place, focusing on Izaya. The blood clotting up half of his hair is getting into his eyes and making it hard to see, but he pushes his blond locks aside so he can stare at the proceedings.

The driver of the vehicle is pressed against his own truck door and his windpipe is in the middle of being crushed by the flat side of a blade. “You’re lucky I’m not gutting you right now!” Izaya’s shrieking like a demon, his voice full of righteous fury. “How _dare_ you do something like that?”

Even though it feels like he’s watching Izaya from the end of a tunnel, Shizuo shoves himself to concentrate, to bring the scene back into perspective. The first step is hell but all Shizuo sees is the shaking driver and his boyfriend who is almost managing to lift him above the ground by his neck, just by sheer force. He has to do something.

The second step is painful, the third only slightly less so but he’s closing the distance between them, he keeps hoping he can get to the man before Izaya slits his throat. Not that it would be a great loss, but Shizuo doesn’t need that on his conscious and doesn’t want it on Izaya’s hands. With one last push, Shizuo’s vision slides back into reality just for the time it takes to hook an arm around Izaya’s waist and pull him off of the poor man.

“Let go of me!” Izaya all but yells, fighting to get away from Shizuo. “He almost killed you, you almost died!” Shizuo would almost believe the anger coming off of the Raven in waves but he can feel Izaya’s heart thumping and he knows it’s fear behind his actions. Plus, his vision is fading out again so all he can do is listen to Izaya’s hard breaths and sense his terror.

Using his other arm to pin Izaya’s left arm, the one that’s wielding a knife, to his side, Shizuo murmurs, “Calm down Izaya, stop struggling, it’s not worth it.” It isn’t, and Shizuo can smell the sheer agony of terror coming off the Chinese driver. He’s not about to retaliate, Izaya’s already made his point.

“N _o let me at him!”_ Izaya begs, still straining against Shizuo’s hold. Thankfully, despite his injuries, Shizuo’s still stronger than Izaya by far. It takes little effort comparatively for him to keep Izaya caged in by his body where he can’t hurt himself or others. “You’re bleeding,” Izaya hisses, voice wavering unsteadily as his rage cracks down the middle. “Let me make him bleed.”

_“Stop,”_ Shizuo injects all the sedation he can into the word. “Izaya, you made your fucking point, he’s already pissed himself, don’t kill him.” Which, in fact, is all true. Shizuo’s nose is very good.

“But he- he…” Izaya attempts, his protests weakening as his trembling increases. _I really scared him, didn’t I?_

“I’m fine Flea,” Shizuo mutters, tightening his arms into more of an embrace and burying his face in Izaya’s shoulder. “I’m not dead, he didn’t kill me. It’s going to take a lot more than getting hit by a car to really hurt me.” Hearing the hiccuping sob that makes its way out of Izaya’s throat, Shizuo covers the Raven’s eyes with one of his arms and presses his head back against his chest. He doesn’t want anyone else staring at Izaya’s tears, it’s not for them to see.

The Chinese man sinks to the ground, clearly too frightened to say anything.

“You’re not allowed to die you beast,” Izaya whispers fiercely, his voice tremulous, muffled by Shizuo’s sleeve. “It’s not okay, you hear me? You’re not allowed.” It’s desperate, and it kills Shizuo just a bit inside to see Izaya reduced to this.

“Yeah, I get it,” he promises, carefully drawing Izaya away from the scene. The people behind them part to get out of their way, to stunned to do anything else. It’s a good thing because Shizuo would have probably killed anyone who said a word to the contrary, especially now when Izaya was such a mess. “I’m not going anywhere, I swear to you. I’m staying right where I am.”

Once they’re on the sidewalk and tucked into the doorway of an empty storefront, Shizuo turns Izaya around and doesn’t say anything when the smaller male simply whimpers and wraps his arms around his torso as if reassuring himself that the blond is alive. Shizuo’s ribs ache but it doesn’t really matter, as long as it calms Izaya down, he’s okay with it. He just cards his fingers soothingly through raven hair and waits for him to stop shaking.

It’s only once Izaya looks up at him that Shizuo wipes the remaining tears from carmine eyes and closes the distance between the two of them in a soft kiss that’s reassurance more than anything. Izaya melts, just as Shizuo hoped he would, finally letting the remaining nervous tension drain from his body. Granted it’s not what it would have been had Shizuo not been hit by a car but it’s all the blond really wants at that moment, just enough to ground Izaya, just enough to remind Shizuo that they’re both okay.

“Come on,” he murmurs at last, breaking the kiss so he can lean closer to Izaya’s ear. “Let’s go find Shinra. I’m sure he’ll have something to say about this.” Finding Izaya’s left hand, Shizuo removes the forgotten knife from it before lacing their fingers together. “You can do work later.”

“Yeah,” Izaya agrees, managing a shaky laugh. “Though we never got to finish our fight, ne?”

Shizuo chuckles as he pulls Izaya from the doorway and back into the main flow of pedestrians. “I’m going to have to take a rain check,” he admits, hardly caring when people part for them once more. “My head fucking hurts.”

Izaya’s smile is small, but it’s genuine.

And that’s close enough to perfect for Shizuo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> D'aww, so cute! Or something. Someone told me if someone breaks into tears it's not fluff. TO THAT MADAM, I SAY-
> 
> you're right, but compared to my other works... *shrugs* I'm doing my best here. Besides, next chapter is... Well, it'll be actually kind of funny.
> 
> And two chapters from now I'm going to need to change the rating. Oh joy.
> 
> But first, I've got some TTWS to work on. The tally is at 72:66.5! XD
> 
> Later my darlings ~


	14. Watching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really, people should know better than to sneak up on his blond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it- Could it be-? 
> 
> IS IT ANOTHER CHAPTER OF THIS STORY?
> 
> Yeah, it actually is. I'm alive. SURPRISE MOTHER FUCKERS
> 
> I've been spending too much time around Kanra... XD
> 
> Enjoy!

Izaya is bored.

It’s only noon and he has nothing to do. This is a problem.

Namie had taken the day off so you’d think that Izaya would have some extra work but in fact, without the woman around to get ruffled every time he did something she didn’t like, the Raven had buzzed through his work load and hers in record time. He’d even managed to clear up some niggling loose ends that had been bugging him with several contracts he’d taken recently.

Izaya had been practically productive!

It had gotten to the point where he’d called up Shiki to see if there was  _ anything _ for him to do. Incredibly demeaning, in Izaya’s opinion. But he’d done it nonetheless because it was better than sitting in his office all alone for the next however many hours until Shizuo managed to show up. Of course this would be the time when Shiki had nothing for him to do at all.

One of the reasons he’s so bored is probably because he hasn’t seen Shizuo since the day before. Last night was one of those rare occasions that they’d both stayed at their respective apartments. At this point, he’s more used to having that comfortingly warm presence beside him as opposed to sleeping alone in a cold bed that’s too big for him. Izaya hadn’t gotten much sleep, therefore, he’d been up since far too early. 

Which has led to this terrible boredom.

He could surf the web but he’s already done that and all it’s led to is an article about the polar ice melt found through extensive link following and an urban dictionary page about case workers. Izaya’s no longer interested and all he really wants is to see Shizuo, but that’s a few hours away.

Hence the terrible dilemma.

Rolling away from his desk, Izaya spins towards his bay windows and sighs. He’s got an itch somewhere in his mind that he wants to scratch but he doesn’t know quite how to reach it. Though he can’t find the beginning and doesn’t even want to guess at the end, Izaya has a feeling that somewhere in the middle of it is a happy, calm, and content Shizuo. That, while oddly specific, is a goal at least.

But getting Shizuo to be in that magical state of happiness and contentment and most importantly not-pissed-for-one-reason-or-another is rather difficult and Izaya’s not sure how to make it a reality. So he decides to put that on the back burner of his mind as he tries to think of something else to pass the time.

Humming under his breath, Izaya thinks, and what his mind finds is interesting to say the least.  _ I’ve got the rest of the day free, why  _ not _ go and see Shizu-chan? _ Except Shizuo probably isn’t in the mood for a fight and Izaya’s not sure he wants the beast to be...At least not right now. No, he’s actually pretty sure that he’d rather  _ not _ provoke Shizuo.

But he still wants to see him…

_ You know, _ he thinks, furrowing his brows before smiling in an odd.  _ In all my days of observing people, I’ve never actually taken the time to just  _ watch _ Shizu-chan. _ He’d been around him enough and definitely followed him at least once in highschool but by and large, Izaya had always just assumed that such a generally placid person wouldn’t be particularly interesting to watch. It was  _ Shizuo, _ what could he possible do that would be more interesting than the animalistic display he put on every time Izaya appeared.

Except Izaya’s left that in the past and he’s realized that there’s a lot more to Shizuo that met the eye.

Which is why he gets to his feet and grabs a couple of switchblades from his desk because, well, you never knew, before heading to the door. Both knives easily slide into his sleeves and catch just so on the places he’s left for them to rest. Izaya had a lot of enemies, and they’d been more than a little troublesome lately. Not that he’s worried, it’s just good to be prepared.

It doesn’t take long to get to Ikebukuro. Izaya’s got a spring in his step the whole way, which, while not uncommon, feels good. Checking his watch, Izaya sighs shortly and contemplates how far into the list of debtors for the day they’ve managed to get. Never mind that he knows Shizuo’s schedule back to front, that was kind of inevitable actually…

He’s still not exactly sure  _ why _ he wants to watch Shizuo, he just sort of does. Izaya’s been more than a little obsessive recently, more so than usual. There’s been quite a bit of something building up between the two of them and though he doesn’t know  _ what _ it is, he can confidently say  _ when _ it’s all going to come pouring out.

_ Soon, it has to be soon… _

So caught up in his own thoughts is he that Izaya almost ruins the entire plan by walking directly into Shizuo’s line of sight but luckily enough, the Raven smells the smoke and instantly dips back into the alley he’d just walked from. His breath hitches excitedly as he watches Shizuo walk by with his boss, Tom, highlighted by the late afternoon sun and relaxed. It occurs to him that he’s acting like a teen with a crush but Izaya figures that’s okay because technically, they’re already together.

It’s  _ not _ creepy. This is his job, alright.

“-like we can’t exist separately, I’m not fucking obsessed,” Shizuo’s protesting, though he doesn’t exactly sound angry. Izaya purrs as he follows, enjoying the way people naturally part for Shizuo. It’s only natural after all, for the general population to fear the monster in their midst. “He’s just… Izaya, alright? Just Izaya.”

Tom holds his hands in the air, an easy grin on his face. “Of course, I never would have accused you otherwise. Really, it’s good to see you two getting along.” Turning back to face forward, the debt collector continues, “I mean, you spent years just fighting. Then, after one month of just… Nothing, you two are together.”

As he moves up so he can see the faces of the two men, Izaya can’t help but notice the look in Shizuo’s eyes, tender and adoring as he mutters, “Yeah well, shit sometimes happens. And he’s not as much of an asshole once you to get to know him.” He says it so affectionately, Izaya chuckles.

He’d never really thought about how Shizuo talked about him when they weren’t together, never really thought that it would sound like this. He didn’t have to watch his tongue if Izaya wasn’t around after all, didn’t that generally result in things being said that weren’t completely true? 

But this is Shizuo, Izaya realizes, so of course he’s going to keep being brutally and in this case adorably honest even without Izaya around.

“Ain't that the truth,” Tom agrees, smiling serenely as he continues walking. Izaya just smiles and melds back in with the crowd. 

He can’t hear the rest of their conversation, but he’s willing to bet it’s as innocuous as the rest of it. What Izaya most wants to watch is just Shizuo being Shizuo. That daily grind that he’s observed for years without ever having thought that it was exactly what Shizuo had to put up with. Each momentary interaction with another soul that knocks people into place day in and day out.

Except Shizuo doesn’t just get knocked into place, he sort of just stays himself. You’d think this would be boring, watching someone do the most mundane things while remaining unaffected by everyone but you’d be wrong. Izaya’s used to the butterfly effect. He’s not used to someone like Shizuo just saying to hell with it and breaking the chain. It probably helps that no one too infuriating has come into contact with him, but Izaya’s willing to bet that his adorably thick-headed boyfriend always is like this. No matter who he comes across.

As crowds thin, Izaya takes to the low roofs, remaining just out of sight. Always he watches Shizuo, unable to even begin to deny his interest. Yes, this is only a temporary solution to his boredom but it’s working. It’s the way Shizuo’s mouth forms around his words, it’s the way that he sort of knows that he’s being followed, it’s the way his body loosens up easily despite Izaya’s presence raising the hairs on the back of the blond’s neck.

Izaya is having the time of his life.

If he’d know that following the blond would be so rewarding, he would have done it much sooner. But he didn’t, and how could he? It’s only recently after all that he’s started to honestly take an interest in even the most mundane things about Shizuo and he’s barely accustomed to it.

His feet finally hit pavement once more and Izaya keeps creeping. The streets here are narrower, harder to keep hidden in, and yet Izaya knows his craft well. As long as Shizuo’s incredibly keen sense of smell doesn’t rat him out, he’s virtually undetectable. Izaya smirks at this, thinking that for all the time Shizuo used to spend telling Izaya he smelled like shit, he seemed to very much enjoy his scent now. Or at least, that’s what Izaya takes from the number of times Shizuo just buries his face in his shoulder and inhales.

Shizuo and Tom pause in the middle of the street to discuss something and Izaya uses the opportunity to sneak back through the alleys in an attempt to get closer. It’s not that hard to do and if either of them men out on the street hear anything, they ignore it. Izaya can hear Shizuo’s grumbled complaint of, “Really? Fucking hell, I hate that guy,” as he finally turns the last corner that will bring him into earshot of the blond. The familiar tone makes him smile.

Or it would have, if his attention hadn’t been caught up by something else entirely. Namely the five men at the end of the alleyway that was supposed to be his. Peeved by this and honestly nothing else, Izaya frowns and considers finding a new alley to crouch in. He even manages to turn around and start heading back the way he came before he hears it.

Five words that make his stomach curl in aggravation.

“Do you have the gun?”

_ Ah, how untimely they are. _ Izaya doesn’t have to hear anymore to confirm his suspicions but he listens anyway.

“Fucking bastard’s going to pay for what he did to my brother” one growled, his voice low. Izaya turns back to face the men as his face melts into a look or irritation. There aren’t many things this could be. After all, you don’t see too many upstanding citizens plotting in dark alleys while equipped with firearms.

“You sure that’s going to stop Heiwajima?”

“It had better!”

And there, almost as if they wanted to be helpful, was the name. For his part, Izaya’s not even surprised. He is however annoyed. Very annoyed. He’s starting to have some plans for how he wants the evening to go and he’s not going to let some third rate thugs ruin it. With ease, the knife he keeps up his sleeve slips down till it’s resting in his palm.  _ If they wish to mess with him, then I suppose I’ll just have to deal with them first. _

It’s not that Izaya’s worried for Shizuo’s safety, no, he’s seen time and time again just how strong the man is. Bullets would do nothing but annoy him. And it’s there that Izaya raises an issue. He doesn’t want to annoy the blond, he wants things to work well so they’ll work in his favor later.

So, it’s like this that Izaya clicks his tongue in disapproval to attract the men as he saunters down the alleyway, as loose and ready to fight as he’s ever been. Instantly the sound draws the eyes of the thugs and the look up, looks of irritation on their pockmarked faces. There used to be a time when Izaya would have encouraged these people to try and fight Shizuo, simply because he found it entertaining. But times have changed and Izaya’s interests have shifted. These men will just have to keep up with the times.

“Hey, fuck off,” the apparent leader hisses at Izaya as he keeps drawing closer, his steps ever lazily purposeful. His friends are tensing but that’s alright, Izaya’s handled more people with less time to prepare and plan. Here, he’s got the upperhand. It’s almost unfair how far ahead of these people he really is.

“Now now,” Izaya murmured, his voice lightly scolding. He doesn’t want Shizuo to hear him, the beast would know it was his voice immediately. If he heard, he might decide to barge in and make a mess of things. Izaya doesn’t want that, he wants neat. “That’s hardly polite. Besides, I could have  _ sworn _ I heard you say the name Heiwajima. How could I not go out of my way to see what it was about?”

“It’s none of your damn business!” another one of the men growls, readying his knife. It’s an ugly affair, all curved blade and steel edge. “Get out of here!” It’s depressing how slow these people are on the uptake.

“No, you see, it became my business the moment you said Shizu-chan’s name,” Izaya purrs. Still he doesn’t allow his blade to be seen, though as an added precaution, the knife he has up the other sleeve slips into his palm. The thugs are only getting more angry. Izaya doesn’t want them to start yelling if he can help it so he’ll have to make this quick. Again though, he’s good at this. It wouldn’t be a fair fight if they tried.

“So what if we did?” the one with the gun snapped. “Doesn’t mean you can just barge in.” As he speaks, he draws said gun as though it will intimidate Izaya in some way. Really, they’re stupid to think it would. Izaya’s had much worse aimed at him.

“Yeah,” one of the others agrees. “You’re getting in the way, leave now or we’ll make you leave.” 

“You seem to be failing to understand how this works,” Izaya commented, a sharped toothed smirk crawling over his lips as his blood starts pumping for what might be the first time that night. “I’m  _ trying _ to get in your way. If you want me to go away, you’re going to have to do a little better than that.”

“What the hell does any of this have to do with you?” They’re clearly frustrated and their voices are raising. Shizuo will hear them if they get any louder and Izaya’s not going to let that happen. Enjoying the singing sound of his knives sliding open, Izaya’s smirk grows wider.

“Well you see,” Izaya comments, carelessly twirling one of his knives. “I’ve got some things planned tonight with Shizu-chan, none of which involve him getting shot at. If it’s going to work, he has to be calm and happy and I'm sure you can understand why this might destroy that calm.”

As a patch of sunlight hits Izaya like a spotlight, one of the men mutters nervously, “Hey, isn’t that Orihara-san?”  _ Ah, so they’ve heard of me. _

Clearly fed up, the leader orders, “Who cares, just shoot him! We don’t have time for this.” Without so much as blinking, the man with the gun raises it and cocks it, quickly flipping the safety off.

“You really are idiots.”

What happens next goes too fast for anyone to really even register it. Izaya’s already got this planned out perfectly so he doesn’t have to think, he just moves. Like the demon he is, Izaya crosses the distance between himself and the thugs in less than a second before coming up with his knives flashing. He has to get the gun out of commision before it fires, otherwise Shizuo will come running. So he needs to be quick and he needs things to be permanent. 

As he goes past two of the thugs, Izaya flicks his blades out and catches their carotid arteries, slicing the left then the right so quickly, they don’t have the chance to shout. After, they’re too busy drowning in their own blood to make a sound. It’s efficient even if it’s messy and Izaya likes watching them slump to the ground as the blood starts to pool around them and the twitch in the throes of death.

But he doesn’t have time to watch because everything else is still in motion and everything has to be timed within a second. The man holding the gun twitches his finger over the trigger and it’s like everyone else just slips into slow motion as Izaya moves with all the speed that would befit one such as him. Ducking under the potential bullet’s trajectory, just in case the gun does go off, Izaya comes up close to the man. With slices aimed for the finger joints and enough force to have stopped one of Shizuo’s lesser projectiles, Izaya cuts through the man’s trigger finger at the knuckle before severing the rest of his fingers at the joints above the distal phalanxes.

Izaya really payed attention to Shinra’s drunken anatomy lectures…

Before the man can scream, Izaya hits several major pressure points with the blunt ends of his knives and the man goes down. Without thinking, Izaya catches the gun before it can clatter to the ground. It’s slipped into his pocket, safety back on. He’s not suicidal after all…

The thug with the wicked looking knife attempts to fight back but Izaya’s blade is dragging through the man’s sides, definitely puncturing both kidneys. Then he makes use of the relatively short distance between this man and brick building at his back to just kick his head into it. It makes a muffled crackling sound before this man too slumps to the ground.

Turning on the leader, Izaya’s smirk transforms into a full fledged grin. In less time than it took to blink, he’s put down this entire hit squad and though none of them were skilled in any sense of the word, it’s still a terrifying sight. Whimpering slightly, the leader backs up into the wall, shaking from head to toe.

Izaya tsked softly as he slides his now crimson knives back into his sleeves. “You know, all of this could have been avoided if you simply hadn’t targeted Shizu-chan.” Getting in close enough that he can lean over the trembling man and twitch a finger under his chin, Izaya coos, “He’s not yours to attack, he’s not yours to mess with. He’s  _ my _ monster and I tend to be very jealous.” His eyes narrow. “I don’t like other people messing with my things.”

He’s simplifying his relationship with Shizuo, but an idiot like this doesn’t need to get a history lesson.

“Next time you think of attacking someone, you might want to remember who might be in the alleys around them.” And with that, Izaya simply pins the man to the wall behind him by his throat with both hands so he can press against his windpipe. He knows what he’s doing and in a relatively short amount of time, the man’s struggles turn into a limp, dead weight in Izaya’s hands.

He could kill him, but Izaya would prefer to leave him alone. Putting on a display is only useful if someone is left alive to tell of it. He wants this to be a message and a very clear one at that. Shizuo is  _ his _ occasionally idiotic, short tempered yet endearing blond and it makes Izaya’s mouth twist to think that things like this happen every day to Shizuo. They happen pretty often to him as well but at least Izaya’s better at diverting blame away from himself.

Smiling at the mess he’s created, Izaya carefully avoids the mess of blood everywhere as he steps back. Surprisingly, there’s not a spot on him.  _ A new record I’d say… _ Taking another step back, he suddenly hears muffled voices coming closer and he hears Shizuo say, “I swear it Tom-san, it fucking reeks of blood.” Eyes widening, the Raven darts backwards and up, using a low window ledge to help vault him up onto the low ceiling of the building across from him.

From there, he can hear as Tom makes a gagging sound and Shizuo simply says, “Oh.” Peaking over the edge, he watches as Shizuo nudges the one that had held the gun with his foot, a slightly concerned look on his face. “You know, I’m pretty sure we should call an ambulance or something. That’s a fuck ton of blood.”

“Yeah,” Tom says weakly, his face almost green. “That would be a good idea. Ah, you wouldn’t mind calling, would you?”

But Shizuo’s sniffing the air and his brow is wrinkling in confusion. Chills march up and down Izaya’s spine because he’s sure that Shizuo smells him somehow over the stench of blood, but then the man looks away and Izaya takes a breath. As Shizuo flips open his cell phone, Izaya gets to his feet and walks away over the roof.

He’s not bored anymore, Izaya thinks as he makes a graceful leap and lands perfectly on the next roof over before going back to his leisurely walking pace. And as if this wasn’t good enough, he knows that Shizuo’s still in a good mood. Okay sure, seeing the mess he left behind probably won’t help but Izaya has a feeling it’s going to turn out alright anyway.

He’s had an inch for a while, tonight, he decides, is the tipping point. Something’s about to change and that makes him a little happy. Sure, Izaya’s satisfied with what he has, but he thinks he wants more and he’s pretty certain Shizuo does as well.

It all starts with a good mood. Izaya’s going to turn it into something better.

With those thoughts in his head, the Raven heads home to take a shower. Because as they say, the stench of death doesn’t fade easily.

Maybe next time, they’ll be smart enough not to follow Shizuo...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, next chapter is going to be very fun. Or at least, the end of it will be. The beginning actually might be a little annoying and boring but whatever, we'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
> 
> I don't know when the next chapter will be out. If you've been following me long enough, you know I have a habit of working on whatever has me inspired at the time, not necessarily what people want to see.
> 
> That being said, I'll do my best ;)
> 
> For now, ta-ta~


	15. Attraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The man has never been bad looking by any stretch of the imagination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *flashback* _I don't know when the next chapter will be out~_
> 
> ... Listen, I can explain!
> 
> Or, I'll just let this unspeakable piece of shit do the talking for me.
> 
> ENJOY!

If he’s being completely honest with himself, Shizuo has always found Izaya attractive.

Even back when he hated his guts and wanted to kill him, Shizuo had known this to be true. Of course he hadn’t put it into as many words that he was  _ personally _ attracted to the Raven but you could say it was implied.

The first time Shizuo had met Izaya, there really hadn’t been time for standing around and thinking  _ wow, this boy is good looking, _ and even afterwards, he had never really done that. No, Shizuo’s attraction to Izaya had been something localized and gradual.

In high school, Shizuo had accepted that Izaya had a nice face. Strange that he had taken the time to notice this but as he had watched girls flock to Izaya, despite how evil he acted, Shizuo had figured out why. Simply put, Izaya had been very good looking.

It had taken him a while to actually put it into those words, even when it had just been something so simple, but Shizuo hadn’t been one to pretend he  _ wasn’t _ thinking something so he’d just sort of accepted it. Besides, he’d had a lot of time to look at said face, seeing as how they were always fighting.

Out of everything, it had been Izaya’s mouth that had drawn Shizuo’s attention first, mostly because Izaya was always running it. Sometimes, when he was stewing in his own anger and resentment towards the boy, Shizuo had found himself staring at Izaya for long periods of time. Uncomfortable lengths of time, actually. In doing so, he’d witnessed quite a lot of things that he’d never really brought up to anyone.

Like how Izaya’s lips were always chapped because he bit them so often. It had been a little thing, but Shizuo sometimes had too much time on his hands and when he’d watch Izaya from the roof as he talked to, or more accurately blackmailed and threatened people behind the school. Shizuo had kept wondering why girls threw themselves at Izaya even when he never said yes and he was always cruel about it but as he watched, he’d started to understand.

Izaya’s eyes were also captivating, even if you didn’t want them to be. Shizuo had stared into them enough with rage building up in his system to begin to hate them but that didn’t mean they weren’t attractive. They suited him. With those chapped lips that drew up into a smirk and those bright red eyes that shone with an intensity like nothing else, Shizuo had been forced to accept that Izaya was enticing, somehow.

Of course at the time, he’d looked at it with a purely objective lense. That didn’t mean though that he hadn’t kept finding things about Izaya’s face that were infuriatingly elegant and perfect.

His jaw, simple, classic, almost feminine but not enough so to upset the image. His silky raven hair, softer than the coarse hair most of their peers possessed. His ivory skin that was unblemished and perfect. Shizuo had noticed all of these things and it was only then that he came to a firm conclusion.

Izaya’s face, no matter how much it pissed him off personally, was very attractive.

Now this wasn’t to say that Shizuo was jealous in any way, no, he had been told many times that if he weren’t so terrifying, he’d have girls surrounding him daily. He could look in a mirror and admit that even at fourteen he didn’t look half bad but Izaya had been something different entirely. Izaya had been practically beautiful.

Just his face though. Shizuo had been convinced that it was just his face. Certainly not the rest of him which was composed of fucking twigs and he definitely wasn’t winning any points with that shitty personality, but his face was classic.

Then they’d moved on from high school. Everyone went their separate ways and yet Shizuo ended up chasing Izaya again. Both of them had matured somewhat, both in body and mind and Shizuo, now stuck chasing a man who had somehow only gotten faster and if possible more annoying, once again had a lot of time to watch Izaya. Especially when the man always danced backwards so he could see Shizuo’s rage.

As they’d continued to fight, Shizuo’s attention had wandered once again. While he could still conceded that Izaya’s face looked good and had only refined with age, Shizuo discovered that he’d been paying attention to another part of Izaya. And though he didn’t often think about it consciously and when he did it was purely out of annoyance, Shizuo had been forced to admit to himself that he’d found another good feature of Izaya’s.

His legs.

Back in highschool they had been nothing but twigs with a head on top of them but that had apparently changed. They’d been playing this game for a while after all and it was nothing if not strenuous. In addition to being chased around the city, Izaya had also been doing other stupid things. After all was said and done, Shizuo noticed that Izaya’s body had been forced to adapt to his way of life.

The result? Very nice legs.

Of course at the time he’d never actually seen them, Izaya always wore skinny jeans after all, but whereas before they had been hanging off of of him, now, they actually served their intended purpose. That purpose being to show whatever was under them off. Through this, Shizuo had been made aware of the fact that he was not the only person whose body had filled out with time.

They were really very attractive. On someone else, someone who wasn’t a piece of shit, Shizuo might have been able to admit that he was attracted to them but they’d been connected to Izaya. He was most definitely  _ not _ attracted to the Flea. But that didn’t mean he didn’t find himself staring at them as Izaya danced over the rooftops of buildings with an ease that shouldn’t have been possible.

In his less conscious moments, he’d remember powerful thighs, lean and made for running and growl because why the fuck did Izaya get to be attractive when he was such a despicable person inside?

He had also discovered at one point that they were also really strong. Mostly because Izaya had kicked him in the head. The blow wasn’t anything special, it wasn’t like Izaya had trained in martial arts or something but he did have legs that were built to do pretty much whatever Izaya dreamed for them to do. So yes, it had hurt for once and no, Shizuo wasn’t going to tell Izaya that.

Fuck him for having a nice face and nice legs. He wasn’t even jealous, he just didn’t like that he could admit they were attractive.

Things hadn’t really changed until after Izaya and Shizuo had collided that fateful night.  When Izaya had stumbled up to the door too drunk to care and Shizuo, among other things, had thought that Izaya made wasted and depressed look good.

It was only then that Shizuo had started to really understand that when he said that Izaya was attractive, what he’d meant was  _ he _ found Izaya attractive. Really attractive. And wonder of all wonders, he was finally allowed to watch Izaya without it being wrong. In fact, Izaya seemed to recognize this fact and played it up for all he was worth, just on a whim. 

Very quickly, Shizuo’s new obsession, if you could call it that, had become Izaya’s back, or more specifically, how damn flexible he was. It never ceased to impress Shizuo how he could practically bend in half backwards and straighten up like it was no big deal. Again, it made sense, Izaya had always had a skill for slithering out of whatever bad situation he was in but when Shizuo started spending more time around him, he got to see it all the time.

Sometimes he’d purposefully run his fingers down Izaya’s back, just to watch as the Raven squirmed and shuddered. He kept claiming it was because he thought it was amusing but in reality, watching Izaya squirm like that did something to him. Usually though, he’d just smother that feeling by seeking out Izaya’s chapped lips in another coffee flavored kiss.

And when Izaya sometimes stumbled out of Shizuo’s room wearing nothing but a pair of shirts and a ratty t-shirt, displaying those toned thighs and slim waist, the blond found he had a really hard time focusing on anything else. Izaya was attractive and Shizuo wasn’t about to be convinced otherwise.

Currently, Shizuo’s pretty sure he has a new fixation, this one with Izaya’s hips. Izaya’s certainly doing his best to encourage that notion with his near constant shifting over Shizuo’s lap. It’s not doing anything to help the blond think, that’s for sure. Not when Izaya’s just had a shower and they’re sitting on Shizuo’s old couch and the damn Flea keeps letting Shizuo’s hands roam over him as he murmurs in his ear.

“I’m bored Shizu-chan,” he complains as his hips keep squirming over Shizuo’s. It’s the same mantra he’s been repeating for the past ten minutes though, Shizuo’s not entirely convinced. He seems like he wants something except he’s never been very obvious about what he wants. “I’m so bored, I’ve been bored all day, I want to  _ do _ something.”

Shizuo’s actually pretty happy with this. For once, he’s had a good day, despite finding what looked like the remnants of a gruesome fight down an alley at one point, and he likes the way Izaya keeps looking at him. Those bright red eyes hold promise and Shizuo wants whatever that thing is. Especially if it means Izaya will keep doing what he’s doing. 

“What do you want?” Shizuo asks in a similarly low voice. His lips brush against Izaya’s jaw before he catches the man’s ear between his teeth. The sound Izaya makes is one that heats Shizuo’s blood and makes him kind of wish that there could be a little less clothing between them. This isn’t the first time he’s thought this, but this is certainly the first time that Izaya’s been egging it on in quite this manner.

“To do something  _ interesting _ Shizu-chan, I’m so bored,” he hums before dragging his hands down Shizuo’s vest. Leaning back, Izaya catches Shizuo’s bottom lip between his teeth before drawing him in for a kiss. Shizuo responds eagerly, using the opportunity to slip his tongue past Izaya’s lips.

Letting out a groan that echoes into Shizuo’s mouth, Izaya lets Shizuo overwhelm him. The blond drags his hands over Izaya’s thighs, loving the feeling of them under his fingers. Izaya seems to like it too, pressing himself into Shizuo more firmly as his breathing quickens. He’s not sure if this is what Izaya meant when he said he wanted to something but Shizuo’s definitely not complaining.

Pulling back, Shizuo leaves a mark at the corner of Izaya’s mouth with his teeth and tongue that colors a satisfying red against Izaya’s ivory skin. For all the time Shizuo’s spent thinking that Izaya’s face is beautiful, at that moment, he thinks it looks fucking gorgeous. Izaya’s pupils are blown wide and his cheeks are flushed. His lips glisten and Shizuo takes the opportunity to draw him back in for another kiss.

_ Fuck, what’s he trying to do to me? _

But Izaya pulls back and Shizuo loses his train of thought as the Raven’s fingers find his bow tie. “I’m still bored Shizu-chan,” he whines, looking at him through half-lidded eyes. Shizuo still can’t figure out what’s going on but he doesn’t exactly care when Izaya unhooks his bowtie and pulls it free. “Do something entertaining you beast, that’s what you always do.” The words are accompanied by a smirk.

With a growl low in his throat, Shizuo warns, “Keep squirming like that and I  _ will _ do something Flea.” At that, Izaya purrs, which isn’t exactly the response Shizuo’s expecting. His hands move from Izaya’s thighs so he can drag them over the skin revealed by Izaya’s shirt which keeps hiking up. Softly, Izaya lets out gasp as Shizuo presses his fingers along the man’s spine.

“What are you offering Shizu-chan,” Izaya murmurs, his voice dripping with lust. Shizuo’s never heard that tone before and it sends fast and hard chills down his spine. 

“You know damn well what I mean,” Shizuo tells him before pulling him back in for another kiss. This one’s faster, harder. Saliva leaks from the corner of his mouth as Izaya moans into Shizuo’s mouth and tightens his hands in the front of the man’s vest. He can hardly believe Izaya’s letting him do this because usually, he finds an excuse to put a stop to it but tonight, the Raven seems to be just as happy about it as Shizuo is.

Izaya’s fingers find the buttons of Shizuo’s vest and make quick work of them. Shizuo’s hands creep farther up Izaya’s chest, intoxicated by the sounds Izaya makes whenever he brushes up against something sensitive. He loves those sounds and they arouse him more than he’s willing to admit.

“Do you want me?” Izaya all but purrs into Shizuo’s ear before biting at the shell of it teasingly.

Grabbing Izaya’s hips again in a grip that’s just short of painful, Shizuo manages, “Fuck,  _ yes.” _ As if this was the right answer, Izaya suddenly grinds down on him, leaving Shizuo seeing stars because shit, he’d though Izaya was already driving him crazy but this was a whole new level.

A soft curse escaping his lips, Shizuo’s head tilts back and he’s unsurprised to find teeth at his throat. The scape of them against his neck is intoxicating and he can hardly find the brainpower to protest when Izaya bites down, leaving what is sure to be a mark tomorrow.

Then the Raven is backing off and Shizuo has trouble pulling himself together enough to focus on the man. He’s standing there, his jeans rumpled, his hair wild and his shirt riding up. Of all the times Shizuo’s though Izaya looked attractive, this outstrips them all.

“I’m still bored Shizu-chan,” Izaya tells him, his eyes alight with something that Shizuo recognizes as the same fire that always used to light him when they’d tear through the streets of Ikebukuro. “So if you want me…” In a flash he reaches down for his coat, throws it on then smirks promisingly. “Come and catch me.”

He understands instantly what this is. Izaya wants to have some fun, he wants Shizuo to chase him. Honestly, if it means this night will end with Izaya pinned under him in one fashion or another, Shizuo’s not about to complain.

Grinning dangerously, Shizuo rises to his feet and slowly stalks towards Izaya, who keeps backing up, that ever present smirk high on his lips as he does so. It’s as taunting as it is tempting and all Shizuo sees is the bruise at the corner of Izaya’s mouth. With deft movements, Izaya opens Shizuo’s door and gets about one step into the hallway before Shizuo lunges.

With a laugh, he’s off. And Shizuo doesn’t doubt for a moment that the whole neighborhood can hear the thundering roar that follows.

_ “III-ZAAA-YAAA!!!” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehe, oh boy. 
> 
> Next chapter man, next chapter *breaths out slowly* I am going to have waaaayyy too much fun with next chapter. Believe you me.
> 
> There's a reason I rated this story M after all...
> 
> Alternate chapter titles:  
> Parts of Izaya that make me wanna fUCKING BONE HIM (credit to Kanra-chan for this one XD )  
> Fuck I Think I'm Gay  
> An Expose on How Much Izaya Turns Him On


	16. Young Gods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eventually, everyone has to come down from that high, but not tonight.
> 
>  
> 
> _Haha, rated M for a reason darlin’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO.
> 
> I have no fucking clue what I just wrote. Like shit, did I just write porn? Did I write something else? Am I actually dead and this is all just in the matrix? 
> 
> I'M NOT SURE ANYMORE.
> 
> Look on the bright side, I actually got a chapter done so... 
> 
> Enjoy?

With a breathless cackle, Izaya stumbles in through the sliding glass doors of his towering high-rise. Outside, the trashcan that had been thrown at him glances off the side of a car, screeching as it scratches the paint. The woman behind the desk looks up in fright as the roar of the monster follows the Raven. Izaya simply grins at her, his eyes wild and uncontained. It’s a clear message and she puts down the phone she’d lifted to call for security.

Izaya’s body is on fire. He hasn’t had a true chase like this in months, one where Shizuo is actually aiming right and where he has been allowed to draw his own weapons. The thrill that it brings is almost as intoxicating as the light in Shizuo’s eyes had been while he tore after the man and Izaya shivers in delight as he dashes for the stairs. Stowing his knives swiftly, he slings open the door and darts through.

This is what he’s been wanting for a while now, it just took until tonight to understand what it was. That thrumming in his blood, the way he finds himself watching Shizuo, the way the man watches him, it’s been leading to this moment. On the couch before, he’d been trying to goad Shizuo into this, convince him that he wanted it too. The fight, it was nothing but foreplay. Izaya knows it and he’s pretty sure the beast does as well.

_ Of course he does, I made myself pretty clear earlier. _ He takes the stairs several at a time, his feet hardly touching the steps. He’s on the fourth floor when he hears the door bang open and Shizuo’s call of, “IZAYA~!” echo up after him. Though his lungs burn from exertion and his legs almost ache from how hard he’s pushing himself, Izaya goes faster. He’s not fleeing though, he’s leading and Shizuo’s following with that same burning intent that Izaya feels in his blood.

Up another few floors. Izaya uses the railings to vault upwards, swinging himself to new levels precariously. The rush it brings feels like a shot of adrenaline to the heart and it’s like nothing could possibly touch him. Shizuo is only part of this rushing force, he’s only the source. Izaya doesn’t fear the beast, yet still he runs faster, unwilling to let the man catch him just yet.

When he finally reaches his level, Izaya flings open the door and dashes out of the stairwell, a laugh tearing itself from his lips. Stumbling towards his door, Izaya unlocks it and nearly falls in. The darkness of the room is accented by the final rays of the setting sun that refract through the huge bay windows at the back of his apartment. It’s gorgeous, but he has eyes only for the man that crashes through his door a moment later.

As the door slams behind Shizuo, Izaya’s face splits in a grin. “Looks like you finally caught me Shizu-chan.” He croons the words, letting them slip off his tongue while he kicks off his shoes and backs up over his carpet, watching as Shizuo slowly advances towards him.

His hair is wild, untamed. Izaya wants nothing more that to bury his fingers in those bleached strands. They wave over Shizuo’s face, which is glowing in the sun like he’s not just a monster but a primordial being. Izaya wonders if he looks the same, looks just as dangerous, just as intoxicating.

Eyes burning with a intense hunger that sends shivers down Izaya’s spine, Shizuo slowly drawls, “Did you think I wouldn’t, I-za-ya~?” He keeps walking towards Izaya, deliberate, hulking. Izaya can feel the air between them heating up, crackling with tension and intense  _ want. _ Because that’s what this is, a build up of desire for each other that isn’t about to calmed by soft kisses and light touches.

This is the culmination of the past few months. It’s not like Izaya hasn’t thought about this every now and then, but the time was never right. Now, there’s nothing that could convince him that it isn’t inevitable.

“I knew you would,” Izaya answers, his tone breathless. He keeps letting Shizuo get closer, all the while slowly backing up over his rug. He’s not sure if it’s the beast who’s directing where they’re going or him, all he knows is that he likes where it’s headed. “You always do Shizu-chan.”

“Do you have any idea what I want to do to you?” The words drip from Shizuo’s mouth, making Izaya’s very bones hum. During the fight, Izaya had managed to carve Shizuo’s vest and shirt up with his blades. They’d never so much as nicked the blond’s skin but they’d left his clothing a mess, like they couldn’t contain the man’s raw energy. Izaya wants to trail his eyes over Shizuo, but he can’t even begin to look away from his face.

“I bet you want to just crush me,” Izaya taunts, his feet not quite slipping down the stairs as he keeps backing up. In a moment, there’s not going to be much room left for him to escape. All it succeeds in doing is kicking his pulse up another notch. He’s been waiting for this, all of Shizuo’s raw power, turned into a powerful and blazing heat. 

Laughing suddenly, unable to stop himself, Izaya holds out his hands. “Look at you Shizu-chan, you look so monstrous, so powerful.” It’s not everyday that he praises Shizuo like this, but it’s all he can think about. “No, you don’t even look like a monster, you look like a god, just like me.”

Something like a growl rumbles in the back of Shizuo’s throat and Izaya takes another step back. “Look at us, nothing can even touch us Shizu-chan, we’re like legends.” His words flow around the room, carried aloft by the sun that’s setting behind him. “You’re just  _ dripping _ with raw energy Shizu-chan, like the sun itself.”

This time as he steps, his back hits his window. Shizuo smiles triumphantly, like he’s finally won. Izaya thinks that if this is Shizuo winning, he’s probably going to let him win again. “Don’t you feel invincible Shizu-chan?” Izaya hisses, even as the beast looms over him, his face caught in the rays of the sun, making him look glorious. “Like you could do anything?”

He reaches for Shizuo only to have his wrists pinned above his head in a grip just short of bruising. The man is so close and yet he’s just grinning, almost frustrating Izaya but really just leaving him on the edge of tumbling into this madness. “What do you want, Shizu-chan?” Izaya mutters, the words floating between them.

With his free hand, Shizuo tilts Izaya’s chin up. That small point of contact burns, stealing whatever breath he has left. Every inch of him yearns for contact, and yet under that stare he holds still. Izaya feels almost like he physically can’t move.

Yet his lips part in a single demand.  _ “Tell me.” _

“I want you.”

And the thread breaks. Izaya’s mind goes white as Shizuo attacks his mouth in a hard, powerful kiss that brings to mind the feeling of them running through the streets. As the blond shoves Izaya against the window, claiming him, the Raven tilts his head back and lets himself go. This, this is what he’s been waiting for.

It’s clear Shizuo’s been wanting it too. He practically devours Izaya, sucking on his tongue roughly, abandoning all pretense of gentle foreplay. Neither of them really have the patience for that, both are far too gone to go slow. In response, Izaya pushes back against Shizuo’s hips, grinding into him with a moan.

It’s nothing short of fiery, the way Shizuo’s teeth scrape over Izaya’s throat before biting down hard enough to draw blood. Izaya’s hands strain against the grip Shizuo has on his wrists, wanting to touch the man hovering over him. “What?” he gasps out as Shizuo sucks at the mark he’s no doubt left. “Are you going to eat me?”

“You’re tempting me, Flea,” Shizuo growls, his eyes taking the Raven apart. “I’m going to make it so everyone knows just  _ who _ you belong to.” Izaya can’t even begin to pretend that those words don’t make him moan softly. 

“What makes you think I belong to anyone?” Izaya asks, his eyes blazing in a challenge, knowing that Shizuo will rise to it. “I do what I want Shizu-chan, you can’t control me.”

“Oh really?” Shizuo asks, his dark, promising voice slipping past Izaya’s ear, making him shudder. The feeling of the window at his back, the warmth from the dying sun behind him and the fire of the presence before him, it makes the Raven feel like he’s going to explode. “You want to bet on that I-za-ya?”

Hand moving over Izaya’s coat, popping the buttons one by one, Shizuo continues, “I’ve wanted to do this for so long, you have no idea. Do you know what you do to me when you look at me like that, do you know what I think about?” Izaya’s breath catches in his throat and he arches against Shizuo as the blood in his body rushes south.

“Do you know how hard it is for me not to pin you to the nearest surface and fuck you till you can’t stand?” Izaya really does moan at that, and he wants nothing more that for Shizuo to do just that.

“I wouldn’t know~” Izaya manages, his words pitched higher than they would have been normally. Then his mouth opens in a cry as Shizuo bites down on the sensitive spot right behind his ear.

“Oh but I think you do.”  Unexpectedly, Shizuo’s hips grind down and a curse leaves Izaya’s mouth because  _ god, _ he can feel Shizuo’s erection grinding against his own and it feels like heaven and sin and this is what he wants. As his lips find Shizuo’s once more, Izaya bucks against Shizuo’s movements, trying to match his pace. Pleasure races through his veins, going straight to his heart and leaving it hard to breathe.

This feeling, Izaya’s never experienced it before. Hell, he’s never really even been attracted to someone before Shizuo. The beast is in a class of his own, able to entirely overwhelm Izaya and leave him trying to remember his own name. Biting at Izaya’s bottom lip with a growl, Shizuo’s hand travels under the loose black shirt Izaya wears and the Raven groans into the man’s mouth. 

The raw want rushing through his body, Izaya never wants it to stop. Shizuo’s mouth once again abandons his mouth as he ducks down, biting at the crook of Izaya’s neck before moving down to his collar bone. Without even thinking, Izaya’s mouth opens and he cries out, “A-ah! Sh-Shizu-chan,  _ god~” _ Rumbling against his skin, Shizuo’s fingers find one of Izaya’s nipples and he rubs it roughly.

Seeming to only be encouraged by the sound of his nickname tumbling from Izaya’s lips, Shizuo continues to torture him, the roll of his hips and the way he abuses the Raven’s chest leaving Izaya helpless. His mind is blank, all he can think of is Shizuo’s hands, their calloused fingers scraping over his ribs before dropping to his jeans. Izaya almost whimpers as Shizuo’s hand dips beneath the hem. 

“I want you,” Izaya moans, his words sounding erotic even to his own ears. “Shizu-chan, I want you right now. I need you!” Shizuo just smirks darkly before palming Izaya’s erection, drawing a shout from the man’s swollen lips. It doesn’t matter that the whole building probably hears them, this moment is all that is on Izaya’s mind. The pressure from Shizuo’s palm, it sends heat screaming through Izaya’s blood.

Mouth eclipsing Izaya’s once more, Shizuo finally lets the man’s wrists go so he can move his hands to Izaya’s hips. Without Shizuo supporting him, Izaya falls against Shizuo, not that he really minds. Finally allowed to let his own fingers roam, the Raven’s  fingers skate over ruined cloth, dragging palms over Shizuo’s firm chest, his perfect torso, all the way down to his slacks, which Izaya wants  _ off now. _

No doubt sensing his intentions, Shizuo suddenly strips Izaya of his skinny jeans, probably tearing them in the process. Not that Izaya cares. The moment they’re off Izaya wraps his legs around Shizuo’s hips and lets the man press him into the windows behind him. As the sun itself sinks just below the skyline, Izaya reflects dazedly that Shizuo could kill him right now, and he wouldn’t even care.

Without so much clothing in the way, the sensation of Shizuo grinding into him in so much more intense. Izaya’s head thunks back against the window, his voice lost somewhere in his throat. Fumbling with Shizuo’s pants, which are still frustratingly in place, Izaya finds the zipper and yanks it down. 

Wrapping one arm around Shizuo’s neck, the Raven spends a second understanding that yes, this is actually happening, before reaching between them and rubbing Shizuo’s prominent erection, which is straining the front of his boxers. The motion finally pulls something like a moan from Shizuo’s throat and the sound is undeniably arousing. Licking his swollen lips, Izaya repeats the motion, gratified when the blond bucks into his touch.

“Fuck,  _ Izaya-” _ The way Shizuo says it, like he’s entirely losing control, goes straight to Izaya’s dick. This isn’t enough, he wants more, he wants  _ everything. _ And he might not know what’s going on, but he knows that his relationship with Shizuo is changing forever and when the blond catches his mouth again in a rough, charged kiss, Izaya can’t even find it in himself to care.

“Come on Shizu-chan,” Izaya says breathlessly, the words slipping past the man’s jaw. “Don’t just stand there, do something.”

And oh, doesn’t he just.

Instantly, Shizuo’s tugging his own boxers out of the way and then he makes quick work of Izaya’s boxers, finding that pulling them down is too much trouble and simply tearing them instead. The Raven doesn’t even have the chance to complain about the cool air hitting his overheated skin before Shizuo starts rutting against him. Though part of him still wishes Shizuo was fully unclothed, this small amount of skin on skin contact is enough to drive him crazy. Currently, Izaya’s having a hard time forming any sentence that isn’t a moan.

Izaya’s mind is a single cry of pleasure, formed into the syllables of Shizuo’s name. The man is everywhere, hands under his shirt, mouth on his neck, hips rocking against his hard and fast. He’s being smothered by monstrous lust and aching pleasure that has him trembling, writhing under Shizuo’s hands. There’s no room for anything, not masks or walls or pretenses. All he can do is lay himself bare before Shizuo and trust him.

As he feels his end approaching, Izaya drags Shizuo in closer and pulls his lips back in for another desperate kiss. The monster is close as well, the way the hands on his bare thighs grip him hard enough to bruise is proof enough. Sliding against each other, Izaya tangles his tongue with the blond’s in an attempt to smother his own embarrassingly loud cries of pleasure.

Chasing their climaxes, Shizuo’s large calloused closes around both of their erections, pumping them in tandem. Clouded with pleasure as they are, Izaya’s eyes are hazy to everything but Shizuo, his dilated pupils and his wild blond hair. Winding long fingers in Shizuo’s hair, Izaya just loses himself in the intoxicating feeling of the man’s hand moving over him and the way his lips attacked his own sloppily, needily.

Izaya’s pretty sure he’s gone crazy but it doesn’t even matter. It’s not crazy if it’s Shizuo.

The Raven comes first, unable to quiet himself as waves of pleasure crash over him and his vision goes white. All he can do is cling to Shizuo and ride the feeling out, shuddering against the man as he makes a mess of both of their clothes. A moment later Shizuo growls and Izaya feels teeth sink into his neck before Shizuo tenses up and follows him.

For a moment, all they can do is stay there, panting. The adrenaline coursing through Izaya still hasn’t gone away, but it’s abated for a moment as he comes down off his high. If it weren’t for Shizuo’s hand still wrapped under his ass, holding him up, he’d have fallen by now. Laughing shakily, Izaya loosens his grip in Shizuo’s mane and drags his fingers through it, reveling in the way it makes the man shudder slightly against him.

Pulling himself out of his own daze, Shizuo wipes his hand on his already ruined shirt before trailing it over Izaya’s chest slowly. Much more gently than before, the man leans forward and pulls the Raven into a soothing kiss. It’s clear Shizuo feels at least a little guilty about being so rough, but all Izaya can think is that he  _ loves _ this.

“You’re probably tired,” Shizuo murmurs, his tone husky, rough. “We should probably-”

“Oh no,” Izaya grips Shizuo’s chin and makes the man look at him. “I know you think you’re an angel and you want to be careful with me but you can do that later. Tonight, you are going to do exactly what you promised and fuck me until I can’t walk tomorrow.”

Shizuo sucks in a breath as his eyes widen and Izaya loves that he put that expression on the man’s face. Chuckling darkly, Izaya drags him in for a languid, promising kiss. “Come on Shizuo,” the man’s real name rolls of his tongue like water. “Take me up to bed.”

And he does, because he’s a good beast and they’re both already ready for more.

Tomorrow, Izaya will come back to reality, but not tonight.

Tonight, they’ll be young gods together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I going to apologize?
> 
> No, I don't think I will ;p
> 
> Kanra-chan my goddess, this is for you. Sorry I've been so flighty recently. I miss you~

**Author's Note:**

> Yup, not much else to say.


End file.
